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 Welcome to Sexy TIMES!This blog will report various, often random and sometimes dubious thoughts, quirks, observations, trivia, tales, questions, dreams, rants, opinions, truths, musings, stories, lies, hopes, moans, fantasies, etc in the hope of tempting you to get involved. Our mission is to put the facts in the public domain! Please feel free to write a letter to the editor at LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. Back issues of Sexy TIMES are available at INDEX OF BACK ISSUESSexy TIMES editor: spunkycumfun, Esq. Sexy TIMES proprietor: Rupert Murdoch Sexy TIMES executive designer: [blog cherimore] The editor and, of course, the proprietor take no responsibility for accuracy of the content, nor any responsibility for the propriety of how the content was gathered. Otherwise, Sexy TIMES subscribes to the highest ethical standards of journalism. |
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NAUGHTY ICELAND
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Posted:Dec 9, 2016 11:20 am
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2021 9:00 am
59319 Views
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In the 1970s Iceland and Britain went to 'war' over cod fishing. The skirmishes between Icelandic trawlers and Royal Navy vessels were known as the Cod Wars.
Now there is another battle looming between Iceland and Britain, soon after England’s infamous defeat to Iceland in the Euro 2016 football tournament.
The Icelandic government is threatening to take legal action against Iceland Foods Ltd which runs a chain of supermarket stores selling frozen food. The stores trade under the name Iceland. The Icelandic government wants Iceland Foods Ltd to stop trading using the name of its country.
The first Iceland store was opened in Shropshire, my home county, in 1969. The founder of Iceland, Malcolm Walker, named his first store Iceland because he was a family friend of a former Icelandic Prime Minister.
The number of Iceland stores has gradually expanded in Britain and abroad. There are even three Iceland stores in Iceland!
In 1985, the Icelandic company, Baugur Group, bought the Iceland stores and, when the company went bankrupt in 2009, two Icelandic banks, Landsbanki and Glitnir, took over ownership of the stores until they were taken over by a management buy-out led by the founder, Malcolm Walker, in 2012!
Iceland Foods Ltd holds a Europe-wide trademark for the word 'Iceland', thus preventing Icelandic companies from trading under the name of their country!
I’ve always had major reservations of names and phrases being legally owned - I think language should be free to use by whomever, whenever and however.
Why should McDonald’s have legal copyright of the phrase 'I'm Lovin' It'? Why should the International Olympic Committee have forced London’s 'greasy-spoon' cafe, Café Olympic, to change its name during the London Olympics?
In the case of Iceland, who is the naughty one - the company or the country?
Do you think words and phrases should be legally copyrighted?
In the wake of Iceland threatened lawsuit against Iceland, the Turkish government is considering its legal options regarding the American tradition of eating roast turkey on Thanksgiving, the Chinese government is considering legal action against companies selling porcelain china, and the Chilean government is thinking of prosecuting chilli pepper farmers!
I’ve been told that the United States of America and the United Kingdom, with the support of the United Nations, are discussing taking three football clubs to court, Manchester United, Leeds United and Torquay United.
However, I want to deny that the government of Spain is thinking of taking people with a lisp to court when they say the 'pain' word; that would be bad taste!
Below are four photos of Iceland; I had to pay copyright fees to Iceland to use them here!
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HOW TO PEE PROFITABLY
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Posted:Dec 7, 2016 1:11 pm
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2023 9:21 am
58355 Views
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Lisa Evans' work-in-progress:
Lisa Evans' work done:
Andy Warhol's piss art:
Gavin Turk's piss art:
Since my last post, HOW TO POO PROPERLY, I’ve been inundated with mail thanking me for my advice on how to poo properly. But amongst the mail there were many requests for advice to pee properly.
Though no expert on pooing as I don’t poo, I can claim more expertise on how to pee properly because I’ve been peeing for well over 50 years!
Not only can I pee properly, I can pee profitably - yes, pee for money! Don’t let your pee go to waste without being paid for peeing!
The artist Lisa Evans is now making lots of money out of her piss art. She is pissing on a canvas and people are paying money to see and buy her art. Taking the piss is profitable!
In Lisa Evans' words:
"This work where I am walking whilst urinating onto canvas is questioning whether the body requires a presence or absence, the action or trace or both? Over the next few weeks I will continuously urinate on canvas where I am placing myself in a vulnerable situation, creating layer upon layer of my bodily fluid. The first urination over the canvas I found incredibly strange and unconventional. Wearing a black dress I walked slowly across the length of the canvas urinating in a very controlled and slow manner. The urine was warm, and running down the inside of my legs; the sound of the urine hitting and forming puddles on the surface of the canvas was unnerving.
There’s an interesting contrast of yellow, brown stains sitting and seeping slowly, the urine absorbing into the fibres of the canvas where visible footprint marks suggest my movement. This work remains on-going yet unresolved…."
Lisa Evans is just following in Andy Warhol’s and Gavin Turk’s footsteps in making money, sorry art out of piss, though I suspect Gavin Turk - see ART IS A PIECE OF PISS - is a fraud piss artist and his piss is just a metallic reaction. Beware of fake piss artists; they’re just taking the piss!
Is piss art making art or taking the piss?
Thinking of money, sorry I meant art, my girlfriend and I have set up a piss factory in our home - below is us hard at work. We have sold loads of our piss art for money. And so can you. You can piss profitably!
As you can see below, we are working hard to piss for art. But given high demand for our piss art, we are running out of supplies of piss. We need your piss!
Would you be willing to guarantee us a supply of piss?
If so, how much can you supply us each month?
We will pay for your piss - say, £1 for a pint of piss - but we need a steady, guaranteed supply to be sent over care of Polyamory Date!
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HOW TO POO PROPERLY
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Posted:Dec 3, 2016 10:39 am
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2017 4:54 am
61354 Views
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A Danish newspaper, MetroXpress, recently conducted a survey to see how many Danes make grunting noises while on the toilet. The survey found that nearly one in three Danes grunts when having a poo.
Yes that's right, a third of all Danish poopers are grunters!
It seems many people think that grunting helps them poo. But medical experts claim that grunting is bad for pooping.
One Danish gastroenterologist, Jan Fallingborg, said:
"... they think it helps them to push out the stools. But grunting does not help one defecate, and may even hinder the process. Basically, it is all about internal pressure, and pressure decreases when we let air and noises out of the mouth. Therefore, the release of forced sounds will have the opposite effect to what is intended, although it may feel satisfying."
Gerd Johnsen, a Danish nurse with over 30 years of professional experience with constipation problems, added:
"... squeals, screams, and yelling do not make people better at pushing the stool out. When you push, you should your breath, close your vocal cords, and press the diaphragm muscle downwards."
So the answer to the question on how to poo properly is simple; don’t grunt!
Do you regularly grunt on the toilet?
Do you regularly and/or play with your phone read on the toilet?
I never grunt because I don’t poo!
One of my more enjoyable habits is reading a newspaper while on the toilet having a pee. I sit down to have a pee; I don’t sit down to have a poo because, as I said, I don’t poo!
The Queen has her own special toilet in Nottingham City Council's Council House. Clearly she's a grunter!
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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
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Posted:Nov 27, 2016 6:58 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2021 6:04 am
61683 Views
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This post is my contribution to the twenty-fifth virtual symposium organised by the relatively new but still supreme cult leaderess, pocogato12. Please visit the Virtual Symposium Group's [group_post 3635732] post to read other contributions to the 'Seasons/Holidays' virtual symposium.
Happy Holidays is not a greeting I normally use, but it’s my only way into the virtual symposium’s topic of 'Seasons/Holidays'. I can’t think of much to write about seasons and holidays other than that seasons are a-changing and holidays are good!
Several members on this site have already mailed me asking me what I want for Christmas. I thought it would be useful given that many want to buy me a Christmas present that I issue a present list for members to choose from. I’m sure Santa Claus, aka lok4fun500, will deliver any presents on the list not given to me by members.
I have nine present ideas on my list. First, and slightly mundane, is an alarm clock. But I do need a second alarm clock as back-up to my radio alarm.
Second, I need a new pair of sunglasses for when I go on holiday next year. My sunglasses are quite old and slightly uncomfortable to wear.
Third, and linked to my holiday plans, is a travel wallet to keep my passport, flight tickets, foreign money and hotel details in. That reminds me I need to apply for a new passport. I’m going to get a European Union passport as these won’t be around much longer in post-Brexit Britain!
Fourth, and again linked to my holiday plans, is a suitcase. Preferably I’d like a woman in the suitcase. It’ll save me the bother of trying to find a woman when abroad!
Fifth is a CD of Prince’s best songs. I’m never too proud of owning a 'Best of Prince' CD, but it must feature his early hits like 1999, Little Red Corvette and Kiss.
Sixth, I want lots of bottles of fine dry white wine - no cheap plonk just expensive wine please. Languedoc, Sancerre and Pouilly-Fumé are my favourite wines.
Seventh, I want lots of doggy sex on demand over the festive period. I guess my girlfriend will try and give me this present but I’m always happy to accept more gifts on this front!
Eighth is an orgy. My girlfriend and I definitely need help here and all offers of help will be gratefully received!
Ninth, and last but most wanted, is an African safari, ideally in Botswana, Namibia or at a push Tanzania. I want to see the elephants. I promise that if anyone buys me this magical present I will send them a postcard from Africa!
Do you use the Happy Holidays greeting?
If celebrated, what’s on your Christmas present list this year?
What present do you want to get me for Christmas?
When giving me a present, please can you write down inside what present you are buying me so Santa Claus knows what I have and what I don’t have in readiness for his visit to me on Christmas Eve!
I love Christmas presents - sorry I meant I love Christmas - and I’m starting to get excited about it!
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JUST THREE QUICKIES!
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Posted:Nov 26, 2016 12:36 pm
Last Updated:Dec 5, 2016 11:45 pm
55808 Views
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What do you call milk-producing bees?
Boobies!
What do you call a lobster that gets in the way?
A lobstacle!
What do you call the first Spanish fireman at the scene of a fire?
José!
As Frank Carson always said, "It's the way I tell 'em". Or rather with these three quickie jokes, it’s the way Alan Davies tells 'em.
Do you like quickies?
I love quickies!
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A DILEMMA FOR YOU ON TRANSGENDER DAY OF REMEMBRANCE
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Posted:Nov 20, 2016 10:08 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2016 6:02 am
65761 Views
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Today, 20 November, is Transgender Day of Remembrance to commemorate all those killed because they were transgender.
My knowledge of transgender has increased since joining this site. And that’s one thing about this site is that you come across people you wouldn’t perhaps have come across. And I’m thankful for that, because my circle is quite closed - generally white, largely heterosexual, mainly middle class (except my girlfriend and her family), totally liberal and invariably left-wing.
Apart from reading newspapers and magazines, my first real experience of transgender happened in the 1980s when I was a student living in London. I lived in a multiple-occupied house. One person whom I shared the house with was a Christian woman called Mary. I got on with her despite me not being religious. But I do like talking about religion with people.
Mary introduced me to her brother, Edward who was also a devout Christian. I got along with him too in the many times he came around to visit his sister.
Also living in the house was Ann. I got on with her too but more superficially. In one conversation, Ann revealed that she worked with Edward, Mary’s brother. She told me that, when Edward first started work, Edward was a woman called Jane. Over the years Jane had become Edward.
Ann told everyone in the house, except Mary, that Edward was Jane. As a result, Mary didn’t know that everyone in the house knew that her brother was once her sister. Mary’s conversations about Edward were such that Edward was always Edward - he was he to her and I assumed that he was always he to her. Think of the language issues when Mary and Edward talked to people about their past. Our language is very genderised.
I felt in a predicament. Do I tell Mary that we all know that Edward was Jane or do I not tell her? Mary and Edward got on well. I decided to tell her because other people in the house were being titillated by the gossip.
What would you have done if you were me?
I felt both good and bad that I confided in Mary about this, not that it mattered how I felt at the time. But it made me realise the journey - I hate that word but I can’t think another more suitable word at this moment - that a transgender person sometimes has to go through and what others close by, to a lesser extent, also have to go through.
Please remember that this was the early 1980s when so-called coming out was not so straightforward. And I’m not sure it’s straightforward now for transgendered people. But we can all, regardless of our gender, make it far more straightforward.
I’ve changed the names of people in this post which I guess suggests in a very small way that things are still far from being straightforward.
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GLITCHED BUT BACK
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Posted:Nov 19, 2016 10:06 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2016 6:02 am
61737 Views
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I’m back! It seems I was glitched and not banned from the site for the last few days.
In my absence my twin brother, notspunkycumfun, managed my business in blogland. He had a much better time in several days as a standard member than I have had in several years as a gold member on this site.
Within an hour of joining, my twin brother received six mails from women and couples all wanting his sexual services. One couple wanted my brother to be the star attraction at a gangbang!
Despite lots of promises of hot sex, my brother found it difficult to take up the offers as he couldn’t reply to any mail. Also he couldn’t open any profiles, not that it mattered to him because quite frankly he’d fuck anybody!
When my friends mailed my brother, not only could he not reply, he couldn’t read their messages.
My twin brother left lots of messages on other people’s blogs to tell them of my disappearance, but that took him ages as he had to scroll through the blog’s homepage for links. He found it impossible to reach my French friends. Also when he managed to leave a message he couldn’t easily find replies to his comments as standard members don’t have the 'Where I’m Quoted' function.
However, my twin brother had a good time in the site’s groups as he could do everything a gold member could do.
Are you or have you ever been a standard member on this site?
Being a standard member wasn’t a lot of fun on this site. The site sets things up to get standard members to pay for anything that involves getting close to other members.
It was weird seeing my blog using my twin brother’s handle. That’s my blog I kept thinking but of course it wasn’t. It was the site’s blog as I had disappeared. And effectively it remains the site’s blog now that I’m back.
Anyway I’m very pleased to be back because, despite the numerous glitches on the site, I was missing my good friends here.
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INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR TOLERANCE
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Posted:Nov 16, 2016 11:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2016 1:23 am
61248 Views
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Today - 16 November - is the International Day for Tolerance.
In 1996, the United Nations established the International Day for Tolerance. In its Declaration, it wanted to promote "tolerance by fostering mutual understanding among cultures and peoples", which it felt "is more important than ever in this era of rising and violent extremism and widening conflicts that are characterized by a fundamental disregard for human life."
The United Nations added that tolerance "is respect and appreciation of the rich variety of our world's cultures, our forms of expression and ways of being human", "recognizes the universal human rights and fundamental freedoms of others" and, given the diversity of people, "only tolerance can ensure the survival of mixed communities in every region of the globe."
This International Day of Tolerance seems more important now than twenty years ago. Intolerance seems to be on the march across the world and is slowly but insidiously creeping into our everyday lives.
How tolerant are you?
I’m very tolerant - I’m a proud liberal among other things - but I just can't tolerate intolerance!
POSTSCRIPT: For those interested in the virtual symposium, there is a poll to choose the next topic - please join the Virtual Symposium Group group and go to DECEMBER TOPIC VOTING IS OPEN to vote.
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THIS SITE IS WONDERFUL
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Posted:Nov 14, 2016 11:01 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2016 6:01 am
57400 Views
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This site is wonderful.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
This site is wonderful.
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This site is wonderful.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx?
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This site is wonderful.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!
Once again, this site is wonderful.
PS. The original version of this post was denied by the site. Above is a redacted version of the post.
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DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR
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Posted:Nov 12, 2016 11:19 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2016 6:01 am
57057 Views
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Above are Gustave Caillebotte’s 1873 Woman at a Dressing Table and Julia Beck’s 1935 Woman Dressing paintings.
One quite recent study found that women spend nearly one year of their lives deciding what to wear. Matalan, a British retailing chain, surveyed nearly 2,500 women and found that on average a woman will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe to decide what to wear.
The survey found that the average woman spends about 16 minutes every weekday morning and 14 minutes every weekend morning. She will spend about 20 minutes deciding what to wear on a weekend evening.
Also a woman will spend over 50 minutes what clothes to take on holiday, and while on holiday she will spend 10 minutes each morning and another 10 minutes each evening deciding what clothes to wear.
For special occasions, like Christmas, dinner parties and wedding parties, a woman will spend 36 minutes before deciding what to wear.
How long does it take you to decide what to wear?
How long does it take you from getting up to going out?
I’m quite decisive when it comes to deciding what to wear; my decision will be made in seconds rather than minutes.
From getting up to going out, I can manage this in 10 minutes or 15 minutes if I need to shower. I’m always ready to go out quickly!
Inside is not me getting dressed!
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WHAT I’M THANKFUL FOR
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Posted:Oct 30, 2016 12:08 pm
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2021 6:12 am
62160 Views
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This post is my contribution to the twenty-fourth virtual symposium organised by the new but still supreme cult leaderess, pocogato12. Please visit the Virtual Symposium Group's Participants List for 24th Virtual Symposium Topic: What We are Thankful For post to read other contributions to the 'What Are We Thankful For' virtual symposium.
Thanksgiving means nothing to me! But I’m thankful for this site in providing a platform (I hate that word) for us to keep in touch with each other that would not probably otherwise happen.
There are two blogland events where bloggers are invited to come together to address a common topic. One is Half Nekkid Wednesday where bloggers, well almost all bloggers, post half-naked images of themselves on a certain theme - see HNW Bloggers. The other is the virtual symposia where bloggers are invited to write words on a certain theme.
Though one is largely about images and another is largely about words, what both have in common is solidarity. Both forge solidarity between bloggers in allowing us to connect with each other by giving a space to promote our wares to a supportive audience.
While as bloggers we may count our viewings, our watchers, our comments and our position in the assortment of league tables that the site offers, these two blogland events allow us to cooperate and see what others do and, moreover, to see what others who perhaps you wouldn’t normally see do.
While Half Nekkid Wednesday is an established tradition in blogland, the virtual symposia is having a hard time. I’m pleading to those who enjoyed the virtual symposia or who are interested in contributing to the virtual symposia to join the Virtual Symposium Group.
How competitive and cooperative are you?
I’m quite competitive but I’m far more cooperative than competitive. Under competitive conditions, only a few can win; but under cooperative conditions we can all win.
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HALLOWEEN IS CENSORED
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Posted:Oct 26, 2016 12:38 pm
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2016 8:39 am
63373 Views
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I don’t do Halloween!
Do you do Halloween?
In the last two weeks I’ve had two of my blog posts taken down by the site. I managed to get one reinstated but I’m still battling to get the other one reinstated. My apologies for not replying to your comments to this now censored blog post, titled STOP PRESS: ANOTHER SECURITY BREACH ON THIS SITE.
The censored post was about the latest security breach affecting this site, now admitted by the site.
Inside is the exchange of mails between me and the site about the issue. I’m still awaiting a reply to my question why a censored blog post that didn’t breach the site’s Terms of Use was taken down.
It’s so frustrating because the site’s Customer Service Department rarely answers questions. I’d respect the site more if it just said they took my post down because it was critical of the site rather than the corporate guff they give out.
I realise this issue isn’t that important in the wider scheme of things, but censorship, whether state or corporate censorship, affects us all. Being free to think, say and act lies at the heart of any fair, free and democratic society.
Can I just say that this site provides a wonderful way for members to communicate with people they would not otherwise communicate with.
But can I just say that this site has got it well wrong how it censors what is posted in blogland. Sorry that was a typo, what I really meant was this site has got it well right how it censors what is posted in blogland. And sorry I forgot to add that this was posted in 2016 and not 1984!
Have you ever been banned by the site?
If so, what was your badge of honour that got you banned?
This may be my last post before I’m banned.
STOP PRESS. The site has just mailed me that my censored post will not be reinstated as it breached the site's terms of use, precisely what terms I breached they did not tell me!
Isn't it strange how the site can send repeated mail reminding its members to vote in its latest Halloween contest but send no mail alerting its members to a security breach?!
My apologies to all for not being able to reply to comments to my censored blog post.
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MY GIRLFRIEND IS A STUNNER
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Posted:Oct 21, 2016 10:29 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2016 1:48 am
60699 Views
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My girlfriend is a stunner. She’s not good-looking but she does work in an abattoir!
It’s not easy to find photos of stunning women in a slaughterhouse!
I want to categorically deny the rumours circulating that I am dating Laura Whitmore, an Irish television presenter now starring in Strictly Come Dancing!
But I can categorically confirm that this joke was composed by Graeme Swann, a former English Test cricketer.
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To link to this blog (spunkycumfun) use [blog spunkycumfun] in your messages.
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