I DID IT AGAIN (I LOST SOMETHING)
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Posted:Jul 21, 2007 6:28 am
Last Updated:May 14, 2024 9:38 am
3727 Views
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I did it again. I lost something. No newsflash to my readers, but like most of my goof ball moments the story is far from typical. I was on “vacation” last week. Vacation is in quotes because in general it was everything a vacation should not be and then some. That is a story for my next post.
Last Friday was our last full day on the beach. We went surfing as usual for the week. The surf was good until a huge thunderstorm blew about 4pm. Gathering 1 Mermaid, 2 preteen boys, 5 surfboards, assorted beach gear and moving everything and everyone 200 yards to the truck took coordination and a bit of shouting. (at the boys who have no fear of lightening)
As I was loading the gear in the back of the truck, the wind blew my hat off my head. (my new straw hat by the way) I rescued my hat forgetting my good sunglasses were perched on the top. I continued loading the gear and strapping the surfboards to the racks as the storm got closer.
The loading finished. I wrapped a towel around me and dropped my trunks. Then the rain started for real. I hopped in to the drives seat to get out of the storm. The Mermaid and I had seen a gallery down the road we wanted to check out. So off we drove.
I finished getting dressed in the gallery parking lot. We went in and while browsing the skies opened up and the rain came down in barrels.
When the rain slowed to a moderate deluge we dashed to the truck. (Mermaid thanks for the incense holder. It is great  )
Wanting to avoid the crowd at the house that we were staying at. It was decided to take the boys for pizza. It was not until I pulled into the pizzeria's parking lot I realized my sunglasses were gone.
After dinner I drove to the parking spot for the beach to look for my glasses. It was under about 8 inches of water. They were no where to be seen. We checked the gallery parking lot too. Failure again.
On Saturday we returned to the same break to surf for a bit to avoid the traffic off the island. After a few hours we loaded to leave. The last board secured I went to shut the tailgate. Then I saw between my truck and trailer a dark lens sticking out of the sand. Picking it up my heart sank it was my lens, but no glasses. They were apparently buried in the sand during the storm. There were multiple sets of tire tracks in the area. At minimum I drove my truck over them. I dug in to the sand about six inches and found one temple. Digging even deeper I found the remaining parts still connected in one sand covered piece. I rinsed the collected debris of my sunglasses. To my surprise nothing was broken.
I snapped the lens back in place and reattached the temple. They still fit. Except for a small scratch on one lens they are no worse for the experience.
Then is dawned on me, like my sunglasses. I have been scarred and scratched along the road, but dust me off and I am good to go again.
Until Next Time
I am as always viewing the world through scratched sunglasses
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THE ICE CREAM MAN COULD NOT CARRY A TUNE
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Posted:Jul 16, 2007 12:53 pm
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2007 9:08 am
3846 Views
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I was away for a week or so. I was busy with work, then took a weeks holiday to go surfing for real, not just the web kind. I apologize for my absence my dear readers.
While I was away, I heard the most bizarre ice cream man songs imaginable.
Off in the distance..... I hear....
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer....Let It Snow
Wintertime songs to be sure
winter cold is cold ice cream is cold
almost makes sense.... almost
Then I hear the theme from a movie ...
THE GODFATHER
Ok Ok..... that one had me scratching my head for a bit
people get iced in the movie....
cream gets iced to make ice cream
that is a leap of free thought even for me.
The last song I could easily identity was.....
HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL
That one left me saying WTF
Until Next Time
I am as always grateful for my readers
XO and ^5
MJ
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WHAT ONCE WAS LOST NOW IS FOUND (I CAN EVEN SCREW UP BEING A SCREW UP)
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Posted:Jun 25, 2007 8:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 18, 2007 9:49 am
4336 Views
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This post is to serve as a retraction of my previous post: DUDE, WHERE ARE MY TRUCK KEYS. As it turns out I had not thrown my keys away at all. My observant Mermaid spotted the prodigal keys hiding under my entertainment center. Mind you, Eagle-Eye the Mermaid, saw them from across the room. There was no bending over on her part. Just an innocent, “What is under the TV?”
I had to get down on my hands and knees to see what she was talking about. I sheepishly pulled out my truck key from under the TV.
This should tell you my dear readers a number of things:
1.I am not very observant
2.I have not hunted the dust bunnies under my TV in awhile "shhhhh  be werry werry quiwett wee are huntin dust wabbits"
3.Bess the Wonder Cat and or the Mermaid are gas lighting me.
(I feel this is part of a bigger plot however and will be discussed later)
4.I wasted the money I spent on Laser Eye Surgery last summer
Now I have a dilemma. Is it better to be a dumb ass and throw your keys in the garbage or to be clueless and not see the keys under the TV for more than a month?
XX and ^5s
MJ
Until Next Time
I am as always raising being a goof ball to a high art
PS
Is it appropriate to have a welcome home party for a set of keys?
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I ACCIDENTALLY FOUND OUTSTANDING CUSTOMER SERVICE
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Posted:Jun 14, 2007 7:48 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2007 6:20 am
4196 Views
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I have been remodeling my screen porch. Part of it included cutting out a section of brick wall to put in a second screen door. I have completed the cut. Things are progressing slowly, but surely in typical MJ fashion. I am a perfectionist so things take a while.
I decided to pour a small concrete slab as a stoop for the new door. This involved digging up a small portion of an existing flower bed. I started digging fat dumb and happy as usual. I was almost done. Then it happened, I found the Cable/Phone/Internet cable. Ok, I hit it with the shovel. This is no ordinary shovel. It is called a poachers' spade. It is made for fast digging because the edge is very sharp and I always sharpen it before I use it.
The cable was not completely severed. It was just a a nick. I ran inside to ensure I still had cable. I still did for the time being.
I had a bit more digging to do. So, I attempted to move the cable. Big mistake, it pulled apart in my hands.
I sheepishly called the cable company to confess my sin.
A pleasant young lady answered the phone. “Good Evening Gouge Ya Good Cable, how may I help you?”
“Good Evening I need to report a service outage. I accidentally cut the cable while digging in my flowerbed” I replied
“I am very sorry you cut your cable. It happens all the time. Please don't worry. I'll send a technician out between 3 and 5 tomorrow”
“Wow that is great! How much will it cost to fix?” I asked expecting a huge bill for damage to the system
“Usually nothing” she responded
“Wow, thank you so much. Have a great evening” I told her with great relief in my voice.
“Thank you for calling Gouge Ya Good Cable” she said with a smile in her voice
I was flabbergasted. I cut the cable. They apologized to me and they are going to fix it for free. An amazing bit of customer service.
I got the slab poured and finished at about midnight. I managed to step on a nail. No worries I had a tetanus shot last year.
Now if I can only get someone to fix my washing machine, dishwasher and disposal all which quit working in the last two days.
Until Next Time
I am as always having an adventure usually of my own making
XX and ^5s
MJ
ps I walked out this morning to find cat paw prints in my new cement slab 
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BESS THE WONDER CAT (I wonder why she does what she does)
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Posted:May 30, 2007 7:24 am
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2007 11:13 am
4370 Views
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Disclaimer: This post in not intended to cast eating disorders in a less than serious light. It is not intended to make fun, belittle or in anyway portray those with eating disorders in a satirical way. Eating disorders in humans are a debilitating and potentially life threatening disease. This post is a tongue in cheek look at the life of my cat.
Satirical Disclaimer: No animals were hurt, killed, harmed, experimented on, or suffered any long term psychological effects in this post. The name's have been changed to maintain the privacy of my cat. All rights reserved. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law.
My cat, Bess, has the life. A loving rotund mound of fur who loves to talk, Bess responds to any queries with a hearty MEEEEOOOWWWW. Not exactly a Richard Simmons like perpetual motion machine. She only leaves the comfort of her couch only to eat and or poop. Otherwise she is sprawled on the couch usually on her back with her legs spread and tongue hanging out. She looks like a poster for road kill.
Bess lives to eat. In the morning when my alarm goes off she runs to my bedroom door. Then she begins meowing, banging on the door, and finally sticking a paw under it to emphasize her pleas for food. Walking in to the kitchen she bangs her head on the cabinet where her food is stored. The door often opens under her onslaught. She will then nuzzle the food bucket like it is her long lost best-est best friend in the world.
This show is repeated in the evening as well. Except she is poised on the back of the couch and slaps any and all who pass by to remind them she is waiting.
Feeding Bess is an art unto itself. Give her to little and she feigns starvation. Give her a bit to much and then her eating disorder surfaces.
Her name is Bess and she is bulimic. She eats until she can hold not another bite. Then she horks up a neat stack of cat food. Then she returns to eating only to repeat the process again and again.
She is not starving, so she is obviously actually eating something. She is has no health problems that cause this. Has anyone else had a cat with an eating disorder? Does anyone have a suggestion to help us?
Until Next Time
I am as always watching where I step
XX and ^5
MJ
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BARE-ASSES AND COLD NOSES
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Posted:May 23, 2007 7:13 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2007 5:50 am
3977 Views
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I remembered an humorous incident that happened to me many years ago when I was three or four. I was in the bathroom peeing. Like do I had pulled my pants all the way down. This obviously left my bare butt exposed. I also did not shut the door. That was my first mistake
Hands on hips; I was happily whizzing away. My oldest brother's walked in. She touched my bare ass with her cold wet nose. This blindside attack startled me. I turned around mid-stream. This of course meant I was unintentionally peeing on the dog, mistake number two. This caused me to giggle, strike three.
About then my big sister walked by sees me peeing on the and the floor and giggling. She yelled at me to stop. She swatted my still bare butt. My brother comes in and sees what had happened I got swatted again.
Thus ended my experience with watersports. I had yet to encounter the giant killer cows so I had more animal adventures to come.
The end result being I was in trouble and the got a bath. She never walked in on me while I was peeing after that.
Until Next Time
I am as always making sure I am taller than the dog
XX and ^5's
MJ
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THE KEYS STRIKE AGAIN
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Posted:May 22, 2007 8:17 am
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2007 6:52 am
4041 Views
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Yesterday was Monday.....
I had a key issue to start the week off right. That seems to be a regular theme with me.
I left my work key ring at the Mermaid's cave. The first problem being she swims two and a half hours away. The second problem is I have a trailer full of furniture attached to my truck. The keys to open the trailer and to unhook it are on my work key ring. There is no spare set. I lost all my keys before and these are the spares.
All together now: “Smooth move Ex-lax”
I think I have a key to the trailer door somewhere. I just have to find it.
My work keys hang from a red monkey fist the sized of a golf ball. That is not the easiest thing to over look, but I managed to do it.
I have an explanation. It is actually a feeble excuse at best.
I can stand fully erect inside the trailer, but have to duck to get through the door. This is a trailer I own and have walked in and out of thousands of times. As I was rushing through the door I hit my head and knocked myself off my feet. I had scalped myself, not bad enough to require stitches, more like a skinned knee, but on the top of my head.
I also left the cave early Monday morning. So I was groggy from the blow to the grape and lack of sleep. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it like vinyl seats in August.
Are you buying it so far?
This is where it gets a bit weird even for me.
I could not get comfortable on the over 2 hour ride to work. I took my wallet out of pocket that did not help. I kept wiggling and squirming in my seat but something was keeping me from getting comfortable. I could not figure out what was giving me the problem.
I finally made it to work. I had to bang on the door to be let in as my keys were with the Mermaid. While changing into my work clothes I discovered why I could not get comfortable on the ride.
No I was not commando. I had put my boxer briefs on backwards. The flap that should be in the front was in the back and the fabric was in my crack. I have no explanation or excuse for my ass backward status.
I did learn I won't be wearing thongs anytime soon. My experience showed me they are not comfortable. I can hear the collective sigh of relief from around the globe.
Until Next Time
I am as always finding new ways to show what a goofball I am
XX and ^5s
MJ
PS I found extra key so I can unload the trailer. 
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Update on DUDE WHERE ARE MY TRUCK KEYS?
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Posted:May 15, 2007 12:58 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2007 6:14 am
3958 Views
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No, I did not find my lost truck keys. I did manage to take out the garbage with 2 sets of keys in hand and not throw away either set
Until Next Time
I am as always happy with small victories
XX and ^5s
MJ
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GOING WITH THE FLOW
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Posted:May 15, 2007 8:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2007 8:39 am
4102 Views
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Throughout the almost 30 years I have been driving. I have had my share of speeding tickets. Like most of my experiences in life. They are far from the normal encounters with the members of law enforcement. He is a sampling of the stories from COPS the MJ file.
Would you expect any different from me?
I was pulled over for speeding as the officer was getting my information a car went by at a high rate of speed. (Much faster than I had been going)
The officer said to me. “I would love to give that guy a ticket”
I responded, “Be my guest”
Believe it or not he did not see the humor in my response. So I got my ticket.
The street I live on empties on to a very busy two lane road. You take your live in your hands at rush hour turning out of my neighborhood. One morning I was headed to work in a loaner truck. My POS was in the shop yet again. I turn on to the main road, driving fast as the rest of the cars. I see a police car going in the opposite direction. Next thing I know I hear sirens and see flashing lights. I think he is chasing a fugitive from justice or on his way to a serious wreck. I move over to let him by, no such luck... I am the scoff law, menace to society dirtball he is chasing, except I am not running I am driving to work. I pull over; the officer walks to my window. I look up; I just got busted by Doogie Howser PD. He looks 12. I know I have flip flops order than he is. Granted I was speeding but the full on chase mode made me giggle. I can hear him now. “Mom, I pulled over this mean looking biker dude today”
I also appeared in traffic count once in front of Judge Lawless. Go figure.
I realize police officers hear all types of excuses, and have a tough job. This not an anti-police post at all. It is about the silly shit I get myself into.
I saved the best for last. I was driving, well speeding, on a 4 lane road one day. As I topped a hill I see a patrol car turn on its lights. So I pull over in front of it. I keep my hands on the wheel and wait for the officer. I wait and wait. 5 minutes go by. No movement in the car at all. I turn around to look out the back window. The patrol car looks empty, but the lights are still flashing. I wait some more really not sure what to do. 10 minutes has gone by. So I decide to move my car a bit I drive forward still no movement from the car. I had been pulled over by an empty patrol car.
Until Next Time
I am as always going with the flow
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WTF
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Posted:May 9, 2007 8:47 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2007 1:32 pm
3697 Views
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I am not sure why my last post has appeared twice. There are comments on both so I guess they both will stay. Unless someone can offer a suggestion.
Until Next Time
I am as always baffled by the site
XX and ^5
MJ
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DUDE, WHERE ARE MY TRUCK KEYS?
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Posted:May 9, 2007 7:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2007 6:32 am
4017 Views
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Has anyone seen my truck keys?
I have not either. I know where they are, but I can’t retrieve them.
Let me explain...
Flashing back a few days.....(Cue the haze)
Coming home from work after a long day. I walked in to the garage. I see some trash on the floor. It was hard to miss it was in the middle of the floor. My had left it on the floor instead of throwing it away like I had asked him to. I picked up the cup and papers to throw them away.
(I know I should have made him do it. I typically would have left it for him. He was off somewhere and I was in a good mood so I decided to throw it away for him. Then ask him about it later)
I had my keys in the same hand as the trash. I actually thought I needed to be careful and not throw my keys away. Then unbeknownst to me the arch villain UBER-A-D-D-MAN seized control of my brain yet again.
Skip to the next morning. (Haze fades)
The mad scramble out the door to go to work begins. I can’t find my keys anywhere. I dive into the laundry basket not in there. I look through my coat pockets not there. I know they aren’t in my shoes. The flip flop fetish is helpful at times. I grab my spare set and head off to work.
The same evening…..
I searched high and low. Then it hit me like a pissed off nun with PMS. Duh…… I know where my keys are. The last time I had my keys was on the trip to the garbage can. They are in the garbage can. Except today was garbage day and the can is empty. My keys are on their way to the incinerator to be turned into electricity.
This was not the first time I had tossed my keys in the trash. I have dumpster dived a few times to retrieve my keys. You think I would learn. This is the reason I keep my house keys and truck keys on separate rings. My work key ring is a monkey fist the size of a the size of a racquetball. That is hard to lose even for an internal blond such as me. I know it is not nice to stereotype.
Keys are not the only victim of UBER-A-D-D-MAN. Dustpans, screwdrivers, gas caps, and house keys all have been tossed away. He appears without warning, like a zit on prom night Taking control of all brain functions turning me in to a world class nitwit. Thus far my adventures have been physically harmless, financially painful though. The replacement key for my truck cost $115. Of course my key has the boop-boop attached. You know I have to have my tools and toys so I have a shiny new boop-boop.
Most of the time, I pass for a responsible adult contributing member of society. Alright, already some of the time I can pass if you don’t look to close.
Until Next Time
I am as always looking for something I lost.
XX and ^5s
MJ
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DUDE, WHERE ARE MY TRUCK KEYS?
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Posted:May 9, 2007 7:38 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2007 12:53 pm
3538 Views
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Has anyone seen my truck keys?
I have not either. I know where they are, but I can’t retrieve them.
Let me explain...
Flashing back a few days.....(Cue the haze)
Coming home from work after a long day. I walked in to the garage. I see some trash on the floor. It was hard to miss it was in the middle of the floor. My had left it on the floor instead of throwing it away like I had asked him to. I picked up the cup and papers to throw them away. (I know I should have made him do it. I typically would have left it for him. He was off somewhere and I was in a good mood so I decided to throw it away for him. Then ask him about it later) I had my keys in the same hand as the trash. I actually thought I needed to be careful and not throw my keys away. Then unbeknownst to me the arch villain UBERADD-MAN seized control of my brain yet again.
Skip to the next morning. (Haze fades)
The mad scramble out the door to go to work begins. I can’t find my keys anywhere. I dive into the laundry basket not in there. I look through my coat pockets not there. I know they aren’t in my shoes. The flip flop fetish is helpful at times. I grab my spare set and head off to work.
The same evening…..
I searched high and low. Then it hit me like a pissed off nun with PMS. Duh…… I know where my keys are. The last time I had my keys was on the trip to the garbage can. They are in the garbage can. Except today was garbage day and the can is empty. My keys are on their way to the incinerator to be turned into electricity.
This was not the first time I had tossed my keys in the trash. I have dumpster dived a few times to retrieve my keys. You think I would learn. This is the reason I keep my house keys and truck keys on separate rings. My work key ring is a monkey fist the size of a the size of a racquetball. That is hard to lose even for an internal blond such as me. I know it is not nice to stereotype.
Keys are not the only victim of UBERADD-MAN. Dustpans, screwdrivers, gas caps, and house keys all have been tossed away. He appears without warning, like a zit on prom night Taking control of all brain functions turning me in to a world class nitwit. Thus far my adventures have been physically harmless, financially painful though. The replacement key for my truck cost $115. Of course my key has the boop-boop attached. You know I have to have my tools and toys so I have a shiny new boop-boop.
Most of the time, I pass for a responsible adult contributing member of society. Alright, already some of the time I can pass if you don’t look to close.
Until Next Time
I am as always looking for something I lost.
XX and ^5s
MJ
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CONFESSIONS FROM BOTH MY HALVES
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Posted:Apr 25, 2007 11:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2007 8:44 am
5128 Views
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I have blogged about being a mistaken for a BBW I am woman hear me roar. I have also blogged about my multitasking Unintentional Multitasking. These both extolled the virtues of my softer female side. I also have blogged about how being a man means I am always wrong highlighting my harder, as in dense, male side I am a man does that make me wrong.
This blog is going to serve as a bridge between my soft side and my not as soft side. I intend to confess my two addictions. My intention is to show I have balanced my sides. Balance I have rhythm I do not.
There is an old saying: “There are two tools for every job. The right one and the wrong one” It is my goal to accumulate the right tools for every job I encounter. This has been a life long, issue for me. I have the first hammer I bought when I was 12. In the 30 odd years that have passed I have acquired probably 10 different types of hammers. Dry wall, shingle, mason’s, framing, finishing, rubber mallet, engineer’s hammer that is not counting the hammers I use with my metal art. I am also not including my pneumatic nail guns either.
In my defense I am a licensed home improvement contractor and operated a small handyman service. OK OK you got me, it was just an excuse to buy tools.
The most recent example is when I bent the blade on my riding lawn mower. I had none of the needed tools. That is a mandate for shopping if there ever was one. Not that a date with a man, but a perfect excuse to visit my two favorite stores in the world; Home Depot and Sears.
I am a card carrying member of the Sears Craftsman club. I have been known to visit 4 different Home Depots in one day while working.
Back to the mower; I needed a torque wrench, 15/16 socket and wrench, and a long handled breaker bar to loosen the blade. I almost forgot a new blade too. See the correct tools for the job.
That was confession #1
I have alluded to confession #2 at times, but here it is.... I have at least 12 pairs of flip flops. I am on a quest for the perfect pair. It is kind of like the right tool for the job. I have one pair of flip flops that have a beer opener on the bottom. Guess that is the right flip flop for the job and the left on too. Openers on both, one can never have enough bottle openers.
See the balance Tools and Footwear, hard and soft, yin and yang, dumb and dumber. That may have been one to many
Confession is good for the soul. My name is M J and I have a flip flop and shiny tool fetish.
Thank you dear readers I feel better. I will return to my normal blogging style soon.
Until Next Time
I am always wearing flip flops and swinging the correct hammer
XX
MJ
PS
I saw the funniest bumper sticker in the parking lot of my ’s school this morning.
It said “I AM NO LONGER WITH STUPID”
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To link to this blog (piercednshavedmn) use [blog piercednshavedmn] in your messages.
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