THE THINGS I CATCH IN PASSING AT WORK
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Posted:Apr 8, 2008 11:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2008 5:42 am
3147 Views
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DISCLAIMER:
I actually work (when not reading or writing blogs). I do not spend my days lounging and watching TV. We have televisions in my office to keep the customers out of our hair while they are waiting. Consequently I am exposed to shows I would otherwise never see. Examples; Tyra Banks, Oprah, The Today Show and Martha Stewart.
Once and awhile I catch a snippet of a show and report to Mermaid over dinner. OK...OK more than once and awhile
I'll say something like “Today on Ellen, blah blah blah” She gets a laugh out of my show synopsis or is it synopsi. I actually love the Ellen show. She it a hoot. There I go letting my county show again
Yesterday I saw something on Martha Stewart that stopped me cold because of its odd juxtaposition of subjects involved. I am not certain, but it could be a harbinger of end of the world. I am talking; something on the order of lions and lambs sharing a meal, cats and dogs sleeping together or Dallas Cowboy fans celebrating a Redskin win.
Martha starting talking about her new friend that had been text messaging her. She said they met on The David Letterman Show.
None other than Snoop Dogg has be texting Martha Stewart herself. Fo' schizzle my nizzle if I am lying I am dying.
She read two of the messages they went something like this: “Yo M S Snoop here.....like your style. Hit me up later.” “ M S want to do your show 4real 4real” Then MS said I can't read you the rest.
Granted they are both styling setting icons with legions of fans, but two more different styles you could not find. Just goes to show you you just never know about people
Until Next Time
I am as always thinking and that is a good thing 4real
XX and ^5
MJ
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ALL TOGETHER NOW.......SHIT
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Posted:Apr 7, 2008 9:25 am
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2008 6:17 am
3363 Views
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This blog is interactive. You the reader will play my inner voice.
At the 9:15pm (2115 for us 24 hour clock types) on Thursday, I heard the words that will forever echo in my brain:
“Dad, my toilet was bubbling while I was sitting on it earlier.”
My first thought was why would you still on a bubbling pot?
I replied “It was probably a butt biting rat or a snake climbing in the house”
My sons reply was that pre- eye roll and a “Yeah right”
A few minutes later as he was getting ready for bed. I hear “DAD!!, I flushed earlier, but the stuff is still in there”
Feeling cocky I said “Mermaid were is the toilet plunger?”
“In the linen closet” she replied sweetly
I grabbed the plunger and did the deed. Plunging my brains out the blockage seemed to release.
My said “Dad, there are turds in the bathtub”
My reply was.......(all together now) "SHIT!"
Sending my off to bed I pondered what to do next. Stalling for time to think I checked the other bathroom. The shower had 2 or 3 inches of mocha coloured water in it the level of which is was rising
My response was......(all together now) "SHIT!"
I decided to call the city's sewer department. That call went something like this:
“Sewer Department after hours emergency hotline”
“I have sewage backing up into my house” I pleaded
“We can't get there before 8 am. We are backed up tonight.“ The after hours dispatcher said amused with his choice of words.
My response was.....(all together now) "SHIT!"
Do you know where your clean out is? If so take off the lid and let it flow into your yard. We'll clean it up when we get there” He offered as a suggestion
My inner voice responded .....(all together now) “SHIT” I actually said“I'll see if I can find it”
My first tasking was figure out where the sewer line came out from under house. That required a trip under the house. Grabbing my flashlight, I slither into the crawlspace.
What do I see?
The sewer line is leaking under the house
My response was.....(all together now) “SHIT”
I stick a bucket under the leak. I'll deal with that later.
Grabbing a shovel I beginning digging dozens of holes in the flower beds. Still no clean out. I am wet and cold. It has been raining the entire time.
I slither back into the crawlspace and temporarily patch the leak with plumber's putty, a sheet of rubber gasket and a roll of electrical tape
I give up and head into the house to wait to morning
Morning comes: My house still has sewage in all its orifices. The flower beds look like a giant absent minded squirrel has been looking for his nuts
A few hours later the sewer crew shows up. The find the clean out in about 30 seconds. They cheated. They used a metal detector.
They open the clean out and with a hiss sewage flows out onto my newly seeded lawn.
(all together now) “SHIT!”
After unplugging the line and cleaning up. The crew leader says “This patch of lawn will be really green in a week or two. Have a nice day”
All I could do was wave and smile
Until Next Time
I am as always happy when shit works like it should
XX and ^5
MJ
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HOW DO YOU SPELL RELIEF?
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Posted:Mar 25, 2008 8:35 am
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2008 11:10 pm
3471 Views
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I notice after I posted my rant that my next post was going to be my 100th. I wanted it to be a gem, as it was a milestone of a sort. So I pondered, observed my surroundings, and waited for that one thing that would give birth to mother of all posts.
The more I pressed my brain the less it produced
So in an effort to unclog my brain. I decided to post this as an arbitrary number 100 so the pressure is off.
Until Next Time
I am as always happy to feel relief
XX and ^5
MJ
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STAND BACK I AM RANTING
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Posted:Feb 29, 2008 6:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2008 6:13 am
3962 Views
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I am surrounded by rampant stupidity at work. In fact I am drowning in it. In the last five months we have increased revenue by 60-70%.
Our reward:
The most productive employee I had was fired with out reason.
The owner took the staff's productivity bonus away
The fired employee is replaced by an on call person. They are only called in when traffic warrants it.
Yet the office is expected to continually increase the quantity of revenue.
"Management" threatened to with hold the paychecks of our hourly staff. Before a three day weekend no less, because some new unannounced arbitrary deadline was missed by 38 minutes
Mermaid skip the next six words:
FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK
FUCK NIT
OK to start again here
I am to say the least frustrated.
This concludes my rant.
Thank you
Until Next Time
I am as always still surprised by the level of stupidity I find myself surrounded with at work
XX AND ^5
MJ
PS I NEED A HUG
UPDATE: Monday 4 March Tuesday is the Boss' birthday. Found out this morning "we" are having a party.  Arranged by the home office  (his minions). Here is the best part..........everyone is expected to attend and "donate" fifty bucks.  As I am management I am expected to pony up more 
Fuck me running
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IF ELECTED I VOW TO STOP FORGETTING FOREVER
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Posted:Feb 25, 2008 8:36 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2008 7:49 pm
3489 Views
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I decided to launch my campaign for Governor of the Great State of Confusion.
All campaigns have promises. Mine is no exception.
I decided to make a campaign promise myself.
I promise you my loyal readers that I will never ever forget anything again.
That promise can be extended to me losing items as well.
You can bank on me never forgetting anything anymore.
I will now only misremember facts, important things or where I put keys.
Misremembering is not forgetting. It is simply remembering incorrectly
My fellow bloggers I invite you to join me in vowing never to forget anything again.
Choose instead to misremember.
It is liberating.
You too can say I never forget anything and mean it.
Until Next Time
I am as always misremembering but never forgetting anything
XX and ^5
MJ
I am MJ and I approved this announcement
Paid for by the Institute for Instantly Improving Your Memory and the Society for Eliminating Forgetting in 2008
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IT IS WHAT IS AROUND THE HOLE THAT MATTERS
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Posted:Feb 19, 2008 9:01 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2008 7:50 pm
3530 Views
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The title of this post came from a slogan used by local bakery years ago.
For all of my life I did not have a favorite food. Now, I do.....The winner is (drum roll)......(pregnant pause)........doughnuts.
Not just any doughnuts, but food of the gods. Manna from the deep fryer, little wheels of perfection
Layton's Dip-n-Doughnuts
Layton's Family Restaurant in Ocean City, Maryland has elevated the cake doughnut to a culinary masterpiece.
My personal favorite is chocolate icing and peanuts
Yum doesn't begin to cover it.
I am not a sweet lover either. Yet I am helpless against these tasty morsels.
For this I have the Mermaid to thank. She introduced me to these innocent looking pastry crack on our visit to Ocean City in November. I thought nothing of them until our visit during the Valentine's weekend. I found myself saying: “I don't care what we do as long as I get my Layton's doughnuts in the morning”
My first word Saturday morning was not coffee as is typical, but “DOUGHNUT”
Mermaid thought I was channeling Homer Simpson. I explained that is was all me.
So do I have a doughnut addiction?
Until Next Time
I am as always ready for a Layton's Doughnut
XX and ^5
MJ
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THE HEART IS WHAT MATTERS
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Posted:Feb 14, 2008 8:18 am
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2008 6:01 am
3306 Views
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Not just on Valentines day, but everyday.
Show your loved ones how you feel with the little things as often as possible.
Especially when it is not expected.
Flowers on Valentines Day that is a no brainer. Flowers on Bastille Day, St Stanislaus Day, or on your loves half birthday.
Celebrate National Pickle Day with a that is unique.
Make Hump Day a "special" Day
Use your imagination make love fun, fresh and uniquely yours
Happy Valentines Day
Until Next Time
I am as always trying to make little things count
XO and ^5
MJ
PS
Here is a reprint of my last years VD post slightly more cynical PENICILLIN FOR YOUR VD
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SOMETHING I SAW THAT MADE ME GIGGLE AND THEN THINK
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Posted:Feb 8, 2008 6:05 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2008 7:51 pm
4055 Views
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I saw this on a bumper sticker in the Home Depot parking lot a few days ago:
Why are people so violently opposed to fur, but not leather?
Could it be rich women are safer to pick on then bikers are?
Until Next Time
I am as always a believer in live and let live
XO and ^5
MJ
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5
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DOES LLYOD'S OF LONDON INSURE NIPPLES?
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Posted:Feb 6, 2008 9:07 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2008 9:27 am
3442 Views
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In the last week or so my nipples have been in grave danger. The likes of which has not been seen since the belt sander debacle of 1995.
First I attempted to roast them over an open flame. NO, not intentionally accidentally of course. Let me explain.
I had taken the filter screens off of the vent hood above the stove. Of course, I dropped one behind the stove. I did not want to go to the effort to move the stove to retrieve the filter. I decided to try to reach over the stove.
After first making sure the stove has cool, I reached over the back of the stove. The filter was just out of my grasp. I instinctively got on my tip toes. Then I heard the click click of the igniter attempting to light the burner. Panic did not instantaneously start yet, because the burners I was across usually take a few seconds for fire up. Then I heard the whoosh of the gas igniting.
Now it was time to panic.
I was laying across a lit gas burner. I knew I could not stand up with out getting burned. So I arched my back like a pissed off alley cat, rolled as far as possible to my left and yelled for help. My Mermaid is so what accustomed to me yelling for help.
She came to my rescue, turning off the burner. No real harm no lasting damage just another in a series of close calls
Then I tried to decapitate my left nipple.
The night before last I noticed a red spot on the clean shirt I had put on after showering. I did not think anything of it. That is until I saw a few more bright red spots lower on the shirt. Then I realized the first spot was over my left nipple and it was getting larger. Shit my nipple was bleeding.
Either I had a misplaced stigmata or I had filleted myself while shaving my chest in the shower a few minutes earlier.
Further inspection ruled out the miracle. I had sliced the side while shaving. It was bleeding like stink.
A bit of triple antibiotic and band aid and I was as good as ...well not new, but I was no longer bleeding through my shirt.
It is not easy being my nipple; toasted and filleted in the same week. Guess I need to be more careful and check my insurance for nipple coverage in the event of another incident
Until Next Time
I am as always a hazard to my own health (almost)
XX and ^5
MJ
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ALL DAY HOLD AND THEN SOME
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Posted:Jan 29, 2008 12:40 pm
Last Updated:Feb 5, 2008 5:52 am
3438 Views
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Mermaid and I have been doing a minor remodel on the galley. As with most of my projects they take on a life of their own. We found a section of rotten subfloor. In the midst of that repair I discovered a long lasting hair gel.
The best part is it is only $2.79 for a big tube. It has all day hold. In fact it has all week hold.
The name of this uber gel:
Liquid Nail
it is not just for wood any more
I accidentally dipped a lock of my hair in some while I was repairing the subfloor.
No I did not glue my head to the floor. I almost did, but I manage to pull free.
The resulting hair loss was minimal. I lose a ton of hair a day anyway.
Until Next Time
I am as always finding new uses for products
XX and ^5
MJ
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OLD PRE-SCHOOL SIXTIES STYLE
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Posted:Jan 22, 2008 9:44 am
Last Updated:Feb 14, 2008 8:18 am
3709 Views
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I read last week that the Sesame Street original episodes have been released in a DVD box set called Sesame Street Old School. The set comes with a warning label that reads something like:
"These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups and may not suit the needs of today's preschool ,"
I wondered what could have been in those episodes that was OK for me as a , but not for the preschoolers of today?
Was it because they finally figured out why the Cookie Monster had the munchies all the time?
Was Mr Hooper dealing out of the store?
Was The Count a ?
Was Ernie's Rubber Ducky more than just a bath “toy”
Was Big Bird on Steroids?
Just what made Sesame Street no longer suitable for preschoolers?
My head hurt from thinking about it.
Time for a nap
Until Next Time
I am as always happy I was a when toys were dangerous, cartoons were simple and people had a sense of humor
XX and ^5
MJ
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SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT ME
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Posted:Jan 8, 2008 7:10 am
Last Updated:Feb 14, 2008 8:19 am
4413 Views
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Most of you are familiar with my predilection for losing things. Last week I lost something I would have never imagined losing. Let alone losing what I lost where I lost it.
Confused yet?
I made an early morning stop at the Mal-Wart Super Centre (notice how I cleverly disguised my true location). I needed a new bike lock and pop tarts. I selected the “cut proof” cable and lock. (side note when I went to use the “cut proof” cable a few days later it had been cut while still in the original package.) All was fine in my world so far.
I trekked across the store. Grabbed a box of Cinnamon Roll Pop-Tarts. (They are the bomb) I turned to walk back up the aisle I noticed a blue cloth on the floor. Glancing down as I walked by, I easily identified them as underwear. I looked closer they were my brand of boxer briefs. To my knowledge I was still wearing the pair I had put on earlier that morning. I was perplexed.
Quickly I deduced that there must have been a pair of boxer briefs in one of my jeans legs. They must slid out as I made my way through the store. The aisle was empty except for me and the wayward undies. I had a decision to make:
Do I pick them up? Hell No, They looked like mine, but there was that chance they belonged to someone else............EWWWWWWWWWWWWw
Do I leave them where they are? A good thought except someone may have seen me in the aisle and think I dropped them on purpose. I did not want to try to explain what had happened. Who would believe me?
What I did do was kick them under the shelves, out of sight out of mind. When that area eventually gets swept I bet there will some confused people.
Until Next Time
I am as always glad I no longer have my name in my underwear
XO and ^5
MJ
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HI - YO SILVER BULLET
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Posted:Jan 7, 2008 8:13 am
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2008 8:34 pm
3240 Views
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I bought my Mermaid a silver bullet as part of her birthday celebration weekend. We were on a little isolated island ready to begin celebrating, only to find out we had left our usual device at home. As luck would have it one of the three stores open on the island had a small selection of these silver beauties. I was as surprised as anyone to find them in that store. I made my purchase and we went off to begin our birthday celebration
Now that I have thoroughly embarrassed my sweet Mermaid, I have a confession. The silver bullet in question was a cocktail shaker. In my defense it is shaped like a silver bullet. I used the shaker to blend blueberry vodka and lemon-aide. A wonderful concoction we heard about on a late night talk show called Fashionably Late with Stacey London. She is the female half of the What Not to Wear Team, a show on TLC. Anyway, on her talk show she has a bartender that makes a drink of the night that is passed out to the audience. One night the drink was blueberry vodka and lemon-aide so I give credit were it is due. The show is aimed at women, but I love it. Stacey is witty, bawdy, sarcastic and irreverent all of my favorite traits in a woman.
Until Next Time
I am as always ready to shake the silver bullet
XO and ^5s
MJ
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To link to this blog (piercednshavedmn) use [blog piercednshavedmn] in your messages.
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