THE SISTERS AT IT AGAIN
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Posted:Apr 29, 2009 1:56 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2010 12:25 am
6241 Views
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'
'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'What shall I do now?' she shouts.
'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.
'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.
'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the fuck off the car!'
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FOR THE WOMEN
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Posted:Apr 29, 2009 1:07 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2010 12:26 am
5631 Views
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Love is like playing checkers. You have to know which man to move..
A woman has to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
I want a man to take me in his arms and whisper those three words that all women long to hear:
“You were right.”
The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain from drinking.
When you’ve got the personality, you don’t need the nudity.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of fat, happy women.
Why do women go to tanning salons? Men only like the white parts anyway.
If love means never having to say your sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.
Keep in mind that no matter how cute and sexy a guy is, there is always some woman somewhere who is sick of him.
Sometimes it seems that all of the really good-looking, together, sensitive men are taken…..by other really good looking, together, sensitive men.
I’ve been on so many blind dates that I should get a free dog.
Today’s women are not only beautiful, but also confident, intelligent, independent, and savvy…
Do today’s men deserve us.
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TIDBITS OF WISDOM
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Posted:Apr 29, 2009 12:58 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 8:11 am
4907 Views
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The hunger for love is more difficult to feed than the hunger for bread.
Never lose your zest for building a better you.
Action is the antidote to despair.
If you can’t do it with feeling….don’t!
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
Good manners will often take people where neither money nor education will take them.
To be content with little is hard. To be content with much is impossible.
The heart outgrows old grief.
If your experiences would benefit anybody, give them to someone.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.
Duty takes us to places that we never expected, love brings us home.
Give curiosity freedom.
Mistakes are a fact of life. It’s the response to the error that counts.
It isn’t where you come from, but where you are going that counts.
The more I wonder…the more I love.
We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated.
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INOCOUS KNOWLEDGE
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Posted:Apr 29, 2009 12:49 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2024 8:11 am
4868 Views
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Boys will be boys
Girls will be women…
The truth will set you free, but first it will
piss you off.
I don’t call it gossip, I call it emotional
speculation.
Remember if people talk behind your back,
It only means that you are two steps ahead.
Knowledge is power. If you know it about
the right people.
People who drink to drown their sorrows
should be told that sorrow knows how to
swim.
Art is the only way to run away without
leaving home.
Everyone has talent. What is rare is the
courage to follow that talent wherever it leads
Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got.
Fashion can be bought. Style one must possess.
I’m not offended by all of the dumb blonde jokes, because I know that I’m not dumb…I also, know that I’m not blonde…
Juries scare me. I don’t want to put my fate in the hands of twelve people who couldn’t get out of jury duty.
It’s better to light just one candle than to clean the whole house.
Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
Speak the truth….no matter what comes of it.
The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote someone who is.
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I'M IN THE BRAGGING STAGE
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Posted:Mar 24, 2009 4:18 am
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2010 12:26 am
5934 Views
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THE OLDER CROWD
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I 'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
***********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his , a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his .
"Yes, Dad, what is it? "
"Don't be nervous, ; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...
****************************
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
****************************
The older we get,
the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
****************************
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
******************
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
******************
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
*******************
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf.
********************************
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"
" The second old guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********************
Lord,
Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and Your hand over my mouth!
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THE DREADED COLONOSCOPY
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Posted:Mar 24, 2009 1:35 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2009 12:40 am
5919 Views
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This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly thru Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. 20You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said An dy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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THE RANCH HAND
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Posted:Mar 23, 2009 4:33 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 1:17 am
4451 Views
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch wasdoing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)
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ON THE LIGHTER SIDE
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Posted:Mar 23, 2009 4:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2012 1:45 pm
5168 Views
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I love these little bloopers. Probably because they
remind me of some of the things my own might have said
____________________________
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have
to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the
bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth
is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose
of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you,
Brutus."
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a
long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake-
speare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A divided against itself cannot stand." He
was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the
slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of . In between he practiced on an
old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in
the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-
boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the
Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had
trials to see if it was really true.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her
but they didn't get to find radios because they were already
taken.
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MISFITS AND........
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Posted:Mar 23, 2009 4:17 am
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2011 2:22 am
4364 Views
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Here's to the misfits.....
goofballs, and the 'unique' of the world. How dull life would be
with everyone thinking inside the same box and no weirdo standing
outside it with an idea so crazy that it just might work.
Here's to the wacky artist, the eccentric inventor, the sidewalk
entertainer, those never-a-dull-moment-friends who get on our
nerves, but are absolutely themselves.
Here's to questioning authority, refusing to sell out, and wearing funky hats.
Thanks for being you, freaks, and kooks and crackpots. The world
needs you now more than ever....
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TO FEEL BETTER
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Posted:Mar 23, 2009 4:14 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2012 1:52 pm
4191 Views
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I'm thankful.....
When daily life seems plagued with small aggravations and
annoyances, it's good to realize that it is also filled with
blessings. If we make an effort to look and listen, we might be
surprised at how much there is to be thankful for.....a favorite
snack, anything dark chocolate for me, an old but familiar song,
the love of family, pleasant memories, a 's laughter, a
pet's devotion, an unexpected courtesy. My list goes on and on
as I'm sure yours will. There are many things to be thankful
for at any given moment. So smile and feel better about whatever
kind of day it is.
**************************
I'm grateful for........
A dolphin's smile, the forgiveness of memory, people who wink,
true wit, honesty, passion in any form, friendship, fresh mozzarella, desire. fragrant flowers, pleasant surprises, baby anything, whale songs, a roaring fire, seeing people happy, people who hug, air conditioning, hummingbirds, puppy breath, people who rescue animals, the smell of the sea, the infinite passion of expectation.
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HAVE YA EVER...
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 3:26 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 3:54 am
3923 Views
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.....Had a night like this..?
HOW COME?
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
****************
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LOVE, BONNIE
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 12:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 11:11 pm
3593 Views
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The two following posts are from a very long time ago, but remain relevent reading if you wish to know who I am.
I know that some of you have read at least one of them, but I wouldn't expect anyone to read all 56 pages of my rambling. Some of it funny, some just plain silly, some serious, some passionate and many more straight from my heart, but all of them telling in one manner or another
I look forward to getting to know you as you get to know me.
Please take care and good luck to each of you in your search for that which will make your life complete.
Love,
Bonnie
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CALLOUSED PALMS & DEAD BATTERIES
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 12:26 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2012 12:22 pm
3928 Views
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I'm not sure why I am here. Maybe, because it's finally beginning to take on the feel of winter in California, with a chill in the air and the thoughts of the coming holidays. I've made myself a cup of hot chocolate, (from scratch mind you), and built a fire and now, I have a need to write.
First, let me answer a question that has been asked of me literally thousands of times... Why am I here on Polyamory Date. It could be a long story but I'll give you the abbreviated version.
Once upon as time.....I had a husband who spent all of his time on the computer. He received many messages from Polyamory Date and being the brilliant gentleman that he was printed them out. His brilliance shone once again when he left them lying around. Of course, being a woman, my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to check the site and see what he was up to.. However, to do a search I had to join and did so without a picture and answering the questions honestly, as I thought you were supposed to. (I've learned a great deal since then.) I found what I was sure that I would and thus the divorce.
Now, please don't feel sorry for me. I had been in a loveless, sexless marriage for years and in all actuality this was the best thing that could have happened. It gave me the impetus to move on with my life and in the process meet many wonderful people. Meet, as in message, email, chat etc., you get the idea. I've met only a handful face to face. I know, I know...I'm a coward, overly cautious, ( I had one very bad experience on site), a bit intimidated by some, shocked by others, still finding that I'm a bit naive, and trying to learn the ropes. Still, all in all, I wouldn't trade my experiences here for the world.
A few days later when I told my ex that I joined the site, he stated, "people are there only for sex". Of course, it never occured to him while he was professing his innocense, he had been a member for years. Go figure....
Let me get to the point that brought me here. In the sites list of questions, they ask, "What can Polyamory Date do for you?" Well, they can feed the hungry, find homes for the homeless, bring world peace, make me 10 pounds lighter and 10 years younger. (A girl can dream.) In all reality they have given me a tremendous gift. They have given me you..
I have been a therapist for many years, but most of that time has been spent dealing with with abuse, neglect or drug related issues. Not in dealing with adult realities. I didn't realize that at my age, I could be so naive. This site has taught me much.
I now realize that my ex was wrong, (Thank you!), and that not everyone is here for "sex". No, actually that is wrong, also. We all have healthy sexual appetites, and to feed those appetites, God gave man a right hand and women access to Eveready. While that may give us an orgasmic experience, it's lacking in........ well, you fill in the blank. The list is too long.
In my obversations, I've found that the reasons for being here are as varied as the people. Some are here to find a warm body to spend cold nights with. Whether it be for a night, on occassion or long term. Some are here to find a friendly ear, someone who will listen with care and without judgement. Some are here to fill a void in their marriage. Some wish to find a woman who won't mind sharing them with a career that takes up seven days a week. Some find themselves recently widowed, divorced or alone for whatever reason. Some are curious, wanting to experiment, live out a fantasy, looking to see what they've been missing. Some simply for the thrill of the hunt, to boost their egos and easily walk away. Behind the annonimity of the computer screen they needn't face the hurt they have caused, and, yes, some 'just for sex'. So, no matter why we are here, even if it's calloused palms or dead batteries, I'm sure we can all agree, sex is no fun alone.
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To link to this blog (almostalwaysaldy) use [blog almostalwaysaldy] in your messages.
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