Regrets, this is one
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Posted:Apr 12, 2015 5:38 am
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2015 4:41 am
6268 Views
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A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.
He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrrr." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!
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Fair is fair
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Posted:Apr 10, 2015 4:55 am
Last Updated:Apr 13, 2015 4:41 am
6328 Views
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Women's Survey
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During a recent survey, women were asked...
"What would you do if you woke up and had a penis?"
Here are their actual responses...
"I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it."
"I would write my name in the snow."
"I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'"
"I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new."
"I would want a big one and show it off to everyone."
"I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed."
"I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing."
"I would measure it both ways."
"Pee off of a tall building."
"I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed."
"I would treat women better with it."
"I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day."
"Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything."
"Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it."
"I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot."
"Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best."
"Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around."
"See how many donuts I could carry with it."
"Check out my boyfriends gag reflexes!"
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Too firm?
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Posted:Apr 7, 2015 5:06 am
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2015 4:33 am
5925 Views
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One morning, while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle."
The wife was angry but said nothing.
The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, and your brother!"
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Not a mile high
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Posted:Apr 4, 2015 6:02 pm
Last Updated:Apr 6, 2015 3:51 am
6016 Views
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An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."
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Her Story / His Story
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Posted:Mar 30, 2015 4:46 am
Last Updated:Mar 31, 2015 5:14 am
6475 Views
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HER STORY:
``````````````
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and
he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
`
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
`
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
`
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
=============================================================
HIS STORY:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
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Turned 86
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Posted:Mar 28, 2015 2:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2015 5:48 am
6459 Views
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Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: "How are you doing, Sam?"
Sam: "Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first ."
Doctor: "Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently."
Sam: "Oh yeah? What?"
Doctor: "Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit.
I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!'
Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think about that, Sam?"
Sam thinks for a minute
Sam: "Well, I think somebody else pumped a round into that rabbit!"
Doctor: "My point exactly!
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Got milk?
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Posted:Mar 25, 2015 5:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2015 4:15 am
6329 Views
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Mrs. O'Reilly regularly has the milkman drop off 3 quarts of milk for the week. One morning the milkman arrives at Mrs. O'Reilly's and she insists that he leaves 25 gallons of milk. When asked what all that milk was needed for, Mrs. O'Reilly stated that she had just won the lottery and she was treating herself to a milk bath. The milk would surely make her skin soft and supple. The milkman agreed and asked her if she would like the milk "pasteurized?"
"Oh no, dear, Up to my titties would be just fine."
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Turn of phrase
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Posted:Mar 24, 2015 3:35 am
Last Updated:Apr 24, 2024 10:31 am
6220 Views
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Wrong Understanding
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A man approached a female clerk in the department store: "Excuse me," he said, "but do you have notions?"
"I do," she replied, "but I try to suppress them until 5:00pm."
"Oh, no," stammered the embarrassed shopper. "You misunderstood. I need to know if you keep stationery."
"Just until the very end," she replied. "Then I just go wild."
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HIred help?
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Posted:Mar 22, 2015 2:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2015 4:50 am
6398 Views
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A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination.
She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room.
Doctor instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm".
He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.
In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
"Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"
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Biking soon
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Posted:Mar 21, 2015 5:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2015 3:17 pm
6413 Views
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New Bike
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A father came home from a long business trip to find his riding a very fancy new racing bicycle.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $1000."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
It is not a racing bike nor paid for with sex but I got my bicycle out of the garage rafters yesterday. I'm ready to hit the trails again.
Prof
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5 days in a row
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Posted:Mar 19, 2015 4:11 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2015 3:24 pm
6191 Views
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5 days in a row not in the office. It was a pleasure to not think about work while eating and drinking with friends. Experienced some wonderful scenery on the shores of Lake Superior.
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Got British?
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Posted:Mar 13, 2015 4:22 am
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2015 4:09 am
6487 Views
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Another Urban Dictionary steal
web shite
A site full of shit.
Very British.
"Oh my Goodness, what a shitty web shite is this?"
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Masturwait
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Posted:Mar 7, 2015 4:29 am
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2015 3:40 am
7033 Views
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I do get a kick out of the Urban Dictinary.
Masturwait
Fapping while you're watching porn but you're waiting because the video's buffering.
"Due to my slow internet, I had to masturwait."
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To link to this blog (Prof10001) use [blog Prof10001] in your messages.
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