Be careful what you ask for
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Posted:May 24, 2015 5:18 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 6:8 pm
5819 Views
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When I stumbled across this it was a dictionary for Women's Personal Ads. A few of the terms were a little too misogynistic to be funny so I re-wrote it a bit.
Dictionary For Personal Ads
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Adventurous............Slept with all your mates
40-ish............49
Athletic............No tits/wimpy
Average looking........Face like an arse
Beautiful/Handsome............Pathological liar
Contagious smile........Does a lot of pills
Discrete ......Married
Educated............Was screwed to bits at university
Emotionally secure......On medication
Free spirit............Junkie
Friendship first.........Former slut/player
Fun.................Annoying
Gentle.................Dull
Good listener..........Sullen
New age................Body hair problems
Old fashioned..........No oral for you, only me
Open minded............Desperate
Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing
Passionate.............Sloppy drunk
Poet...................Depressive
Professional...........Unemployed
Romantic...............Frigid/impotent
Social.................Crotch like a wizard's sleeve/balls dragging on the ground
Voluptuous/husky.............Very fat
Large lady/guy.............Immensely fat
Wants soul mate.........Stalker
Widow/widower..................Murderer
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Damn math
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Posted:May 20, 2015 4:56 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2015 4:16 am
6028 Views
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Rats.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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There's two sides to every story
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Posted:May 17, 2015 3:51 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2015 6:31 pm
6179 Views
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TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
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Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
===================================================
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe
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Ba dum bump
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Posted:May 15, 2015 4:05 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2015 4:09 am
6071 Views
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Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops.
Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard
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What I've Learned
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Posted:May 10, 2015 11:21 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2015 5:13 am
5994 Views
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What I've Learned As I've Matured
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1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
2. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
3. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
4. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
5. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
6. I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
7. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or political figures.
8. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades.
9. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your , they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
10. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
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Wrong answer
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Posted:May 8, 2015 4:26 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2015 4:19 am
5981 Views
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A woman, completely fed up with her husbands internet obsession finally
takes matter into her own hands. One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom,takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" -"Super Sex" "Super Sex"!!!!
Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
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It pays to advertise
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Posted:May 3, 2015 5:08 am
Last Updated:May 4, 2015 3:51 am
6024 Views
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Three Daughters
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A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee-house". The mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said: "Satisfaction to the last drop", so Mother was happy.
The second got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Four Square Cigarettes". So the mother looks for the ad, and it says; "LIVE LIFE KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted.
The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"!
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Quotes About Sex
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Posted:May 1, 2015 3:56 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2015 3:53 am
6113 Views
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Quotes About Sex
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They
say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
*Rodney Dangerfield
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
*Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a -of-a-bitch."
*Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!)
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
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Too true?
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Posted:Apr 28, 2015 6:34 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2015 4:45 am
6857 Views
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Sometimes, when I look at my , I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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Van Gogh for it.
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Posted:Apr 25, 2015 5:24 am
Last Updated:May 2, 2015 3:53 am
5626 Views
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FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH
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His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store----- Stop'N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------- ------------------------- Go Gogh
The brother with low back pain-----------------------Lum Bay Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling. There ya Gogh.
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Don't I just wish...
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Posted:Apr 22, 2015 4:12 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 6:8 pm
5780 Views
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Doctor's Office
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A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
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7 is the magic number?
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Posted:Apr 21, 2015 4:23 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 6:8 pm
5513 Views
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An advanced Biology class was taking its mid-term exam. The last question was, "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk." The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the .
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
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A perfect day?
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Posted:Apr 18, 2015 4:25 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 6:8 pm
6013 Views
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Women vs. Men
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The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wake-up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him!
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch Sports Center
7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, leaves the room
11:55 Laugh myself to sleep.....
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To link to this blog (Prof10001) use [blog Prof10001] in your messages.
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