thoughts from the coast
 
thougth of from a ole ozark mtn boy
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d my dick had run away
Posted:May 26, 2020 6:25 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2020 4:11 pm
176 Views

When I awoke, something seemed wrong
I reached down and felt no schlong
Though it hurts me just to say
I found my dick had run away

I went to the mirror and looked again
My midsection smooth, just like Ken
I started to scream, to wail, to shout
My favorite friend, I was without

Below the belt, I had no worth
Not even one single inch of girth
Looking down, I wished me dead
The thought striking my only head.

For dangling down, I sure did lack
My swinging dick, my ball filled sack
For like a man, I sure ain’t
With nothing ‘cept my lonely taint

But on the mirror, hung a note
I’ve no idea, just how it wrote
Perhaps he found another mate
With which the departed did dictate

I’ve had enough, I must complain
Of sex, it seems, you do abstain
I do hope you understand
Lend me more than just a hand

I cannot take it, I’ve had enough
I must explore at least one muff
Or perhaps some lips would spread apart
That at least would be a start

But you, it seems, are shy and meek
To women, you will barely speak
And while my balls do burst at the seems
You content yourself with porno scenes

I’ve lived enough without affection
My life has been one long erection
Where I go, I cannot say
I’ll find another chest to spray

I read the note, with much surprise
The tears spilling from my eyes
You may think this a farce, crazy, strange, or silly
Yet it was signed, my dearest friend, Yours, Willy

I found some hobbies, I began to learn
All hoping my dick would return
As for women, I no longer stalk
I open my mouth, I actually talk

And then, one day, my dick came back
Dragging behind his only sack
He said he’d stay on one condition
If getting laid remained my mission

Soon a girl, we both did find
With intercourse on her mind
Her body she allowed me full access
And so I did start to caress

Finally, I’d found my move
Her dress she slowly did remove
And as we positioned, ready to go
My penis did refuse to grow

She tried to help, to fondle, to suck
Only down below was such a schmuck
He left me hanging, just like a dope
Trying to swing, with a piece of rope

She shrugged, I stammered an apology
Now that I was willing, where was he?
And though she gave me such a lick
It didn’t work, what a dick!
2 Comments
What would be different with Microsoft if Bill Gates were a Red Neck
Posted:Apr 7, 2012 3:52 am
Last Updated:Aug 22, 2014 2:19 am
6164 Views

?

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? It's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ride in the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad
0 Comments
The TRUE Meaning Of Southern Expressions and Foods!
Posted:Mar 16, 2012 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Jul 10, 2019 6:42 pm
6049 Views

Suthunuhs!

Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southerners know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Football

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah !

There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine!

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a'been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.
0 Comments
If you marry a Texas girl....
Posted:Mar 4, 2012 2:28 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2020 7:38 am
5998 Views

Three friends married women from different parts of the
country. The first man married a woman from Alabama . He told her that she
was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put
away.

The second man married a woman from South Dakota . He
gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw
it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

Thethird man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he
pees.
0 Comments
Why Teachers Drink..........
Posted:Feb 3, 2012 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2012 1:37 am
6163 Views

ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS?

GED TEST

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
0 Comments
2012 New Year Resolutions
Posted:Jan 1, 2012 6:47 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2020 8:5 pm
6110 Views

2012 New Year Resolutions

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer.

6. Play more games.

7. Read more books than you did in 2011.

8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9. Sleep for 7 hours.

10. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13. Don't overdo. Keep your limits.

14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16. Dream more while you are awake.

17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23. Smile and laugh more.

24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25. Call your family often.

26. Each day give something good to others.

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30.. What other people think of you is none of your business.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32. Do the right thing!

33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34. GOD heals everything.

35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37. The best is yet to come.

38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

40. Have a happy new year, no matter what!
0 Comments
As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........
Posted:Dec 4, 2011 6:18 am
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2012 2:21 am
6250 Views

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section .. buy a dog.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a ? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way
1 comment
Strange Things a True Southerner Knows…
Posted:Nov 5, 2011 5:46 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2020 8:5 pm
6112 Views

Strange Things a True Southerner Knows…

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.

When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.

The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, “Well I Suwannee !!” means.

Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits !!

A good is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don’t come from the store.

When “by and by” is.

How to handle their “pot likker”.

The difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece”.

The differences between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ‘em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy’s pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
0 Comments
The Difference Between The North and South CLEARLY Explained!
Posted:Oct 6, 2011 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2012 2:37 am
6154 Views

The difference between the North and the South CLEARLY explained.... at last!

The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses .

The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .44's, .45's, .50 cal's & 'chine guns!

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
(AND....They marry cousins!)

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.

The North has green salads; the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .....

In the South : If you run your car into a ditch, DON'T PANIC!
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. THIS....is what they live for!

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store...
Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round chere, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.

They can't understand you neither. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

Be advised that 'He needed killin'.."IS" a valid defense here!

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this!" you should stay out of the way!

These are most likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store for milk & bread! (Likely for milk & bread samiches) It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear , don't think we will accept them as Southerners...
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven......
We ain't gonna call'em biscuits!
1 comment
Those out there that have daughters can relate.
Posted:Aug 31, 2011 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2011 2:08 am
6283 Views

Those out there that have daughters can relate. Marine Dads out there who have daughters could have wrote this........because its true.

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

2. You do not touch my in front of me or matter in fact at all. She is trained in solid grappling blood choking techniques. A straight arm is a broken arm. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my 's body, I will remove them.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my , I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my . Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my : Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are even better.

9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my , I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There is a GPS in your trunk and I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.



10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password: announce in a clear voice that you have brought my home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
0 Comments
Strange North Carolina Laws
Posted:Aug 5, 2011 2:49 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2020 8:5 pm
6135 Views

It's against the law to sing off key.

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.

A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

Barber

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

Chapel Hill

It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.

Charlotte

Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

Elon College

There is to be no rollerblading during daylight hours, on the roads, or on the bricks. All the sidewalks at this college are made of brick. (Repealed in 199

Forest City

You must stop and call City Hall before entering town in an automobile. This is so the townspeople will have time to go out and hold their horses until you get through town.

Greensboro

Restaurants "with on sidewalk dining" must post their menu so that it is clearly readable from the sidewalk, but is not readable from the street.

Hornytown

Massage parlors have been banned.

Kill Devil Hills

You may not ride a bicycle without having both your hands on the handle bars.

Rocky Mount

It is required that you must pay a property tax on your dog.

Southern Shores

It is against the law to rollerblade on a state highway.
0 Comments
Redneck Rules of Etiquette
Posted:Jul 15, 2011 2:14 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2020 8:5 pm
6207 Views

Personal Hygiene

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your Home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Dating (Outside the Family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. "
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; Others might say Monday. If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

* Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
* Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips for all Occasions

* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
0 Comments
Humor From The Deep South
Posted:Jul 4, 2011 3:48 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2020 8:5 pm
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Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

*** You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North!
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