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WELCOME! Come in and enjoy!
Note: Almost all of my posts are jokes taken off the inter net or from books. I did not create them. However, I modify nearly all of the jokes to, I feel, improve or enhance them. Occasionally, I will completely rewrite the joke using a given idea. If I do that I will put my ID - Cruiser4900 at the bottom of the post. The post titles, however, are mine.
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Flattening Daddy's Stomach
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Posted:May 8, 2017 8:47 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2017 9:17 am
2064 Views
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A little boy goes into his parents bedroom. He sees his mom bouncing on his dad and and says, "Mom, what are you doing?" She turns, sees her and quickly makes up a fib, -"Oh, just flattening daddy stomach." Innocently, the boy responds, "Well mom its no use because when you go shopping our next door neighbor comes over and blows it back up again!"
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X Rated Dinning
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Posted:Jan 2, 2015 11:09 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2015 1:12 am
8890 Views
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to mix it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So at dinner that evening, she does exactly what the doctor ordered. About a week later, she goes back to see the doctor.
"Doc, the pill worked! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all of my clothes, and fucked me hard right there on the table. It was wonderful."
But the doctor was alarmed,
"I’m sorry, we didn’t realize that the pill was that strong! The foundation will pay you for any damages."
"No Doc, that's okay." she said. " We're never going back to that restaurant."
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Holiday Office Party Consequences
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Posted:Jan 2, 2015 7:59 am
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2015 12:37 am
9152 Views
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After the annual office Holliday party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeding in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulting the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important jerk, piss on him!" John unapologetically responded.
"You did. All over his suit; and he fired you." Louise informed him.
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday." said Louise casually.
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It's Q and A Time!
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Posted:Dec 30, 2014 2:07 pm
Last Updated:May 4, 2017 10:30 pm
8999 Views
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Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they're plugged into a genius!
Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; a priest sucks them off.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why did the Mafioso cross the road?
A: Eh, forget about it!
Q: What is a mustache useful for?
A: A shock absorber for a fast cocksucker.
Q: What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine.
Q: What is a job application at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
Q: How would you describe sex while camping?
A: It's fucking intents.
Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when are leaving?
A: “Thanks for cuming!”
And finally a question without an answer,
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde interrupts, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
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Bedroom Buckeroo
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Posted:Dec 25, 2014 4:48 pm
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2018 7:42 pm
9316 Views
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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says,
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one. What is it?" says the other cowboy.
"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sister's.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."
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The Hurricane and the Maple Tree
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Posted:Dec 15, 2014 9:31 am
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2014 8:16 pm
10096 Views
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One day a tempestuous Hurricane was feeling frisky. Surveying the area, she noticed a large Maple Tree standing in the middle of a field of grass. It was standing there in all of its magnificence – with a thick trunk, long well shaped sturdy branches reaching high in the air, plenty of bright green leaves, and holding an abundance of seeds. The hurricane sauntered over, and in a confident tone of voice said to the Maple Tree,
“I could blow you hard and cause you to release all of your seeds.”
The Maple Tree responded to the challenge saying,
“My seeds are precious to me and I am much stronger than any wind that a mere Hurricane could generate.”
This response infuriated the Hurricane. She proceeded to BLOW that Maple Tree HARD. She blew up, she blew down, she blew in a swirling and sideways action until the Maple Tree’s very roots shook. Again and again she blew hard, but, the Maple Tree held strong. Until - the Hurricane’s forces became so overwhelming that it was useless to resist anymore. The Maple Tree released all of its seeds.
With an air of victorious superiority, the Hurricane turned to the Maple Tree and asked,
“NOW, do you believe in the POWER OF THE BLOW?”
With a few seeds still slowly helicoptering down its massive trunk, the Maple Tree examined his roots, trunk, and branches for damage or weakness. He found none. Instead, the Maple Tree was pleased to find that his WOOD was still HARD! In fact, he felt noticeably stronger! Enduring the ordeal had actually invigorated him! Then, with an almost imperceptible inviting smile, the Maple Tree calmly replied to the Hurricane,
“My leaves are still intact.”
Cruiser4900
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Get Two for the Price of One
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Posted:Dec 12, 2014 6:44 am
Last Updated:Mar 21, 2017 9:23 pm
10338 Views
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One day, while walking to the store, a young man passed by a retirement home. On the front lawn were six old naked ladies lying on the grass. He thought that this was a bit unusual, but continued on his way to the store. Upon his return trip, he passed the same retirement home and saw the same six old naked ladies lying on the lawn. This time his curiosity got the best of him and he went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six old naked ladies lying on your front lawn?"
“Yes," the manager said.
"They're retired prostitutes and having a yard sale."
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Give the Lady what she asks for!
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Posted:Dec 10, 2014 9:25 am
Last Updated:Dec 10, 2014 3:06 pm
10503 Views
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A well dressed middle aged woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a young salesman.
"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asks.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa," the woman responds.
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"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggests.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
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An Unreported Superman Adventure
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Posted:Dec 9, 2014 8:25 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2014 9:19 am
10577 Views
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One day, while Lois Lane was away, Superman was flying around Gotham City, looking for adventure and feeling a bit horny. Then to his surprise and delight he spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back on the roof of a tall building with her legs spread wide apart. He had always wanted to fuck Wonder Woman and now was his opportunity. Without hesitation Superman swooped down and acted on his lust.
"What was that?" Wonder Woman exclaimed afterwards.
"I don't know, but it hurt." replied the Invisible Man.
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At the Confessional Booth
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Posted:Dec 7, 2014 8:06 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2015 9:15 am
10905 Views
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One day in a large Catholic church, a janitor was cleaning the pews. As he was doing his job, he was approached by one of the priests. The priest asked the janitor,
"I’ve been hearing confessions for a few hours now and I need a break. The widow McGee is next. Could you go into the confessional and listen to her confession for me? She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance. So, when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's. Then, I'll be right back."
Being the helpful type, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession,
"Oh Father, I have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy,
"What does the priest give for oral sex?"
The altar boy said,
"A Snickers bar and a Coke."
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Custer's Last Thoughts
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Posted:Dec 4, 2014 6:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 4, 2014 9:35 am
11104 Views
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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he commissioned an artist to paint one. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that
went through Custer's mind before he died at the Little Bighorn battle site. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire excitedly went to his library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he summoned the artist to the library.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist calmly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist.
"I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"
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A Present for Santa
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Posted:Dec 3, 2014 6:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2014 6:51 am
10978 Views
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One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sister."
Santa Claus wrote him back,
"Okay, please send me your mother."
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Failure to Communicate
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Posted:Dec 2, 2014 7:08 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2015 9:15 am
11386 Views
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Her teenage comes home late from a date one evening, with her clothes disheveled. The mother, immediately recognizing what her 's condition means, says,
"We had this discussion remember? If he touches your breasts you say 'don't' and if he touches your pussy you say 'stop'. So, what happened?"
The responds,
"Yes mom I remember, but he touched both so I said 'don’t stop'!"
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To link to this blog (Cruiser4900) use [blog Cruiser4900] in your messages.
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