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raptureless
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raptureless in the big scheme of things it doesn't much matter what one person does one minute of any given day does it? or does it? can one small act ripple throughout the entire cosmos and alter the future? if that's possible or even vaguely possible are we then not responsible to be conscious of everything we do? and is that even do-able? okay, so we all get a time out for pooping and sleeping and ablutions cause really, how can you count those? but interactions with others in any form have consequences, however minute. may i give you a small but telling example? i had to lay off an employee the other day. if i had my druthers i wouldn't have picked this particular woman to let go. she is smart, efficient and professional and she's done a great job. however she was the last person hired into the CM sector and so unless i was going to lay off based solely on performance within a particular program, she was the only person i could legitimately let go. otherwise, it would be a termination. although i could have left this to the program director, i felt that i should be there. i had hired her. when i told her, she was gracious, appropriate and professional. i was, again, impressed by her and felt only regret that she would be leaving. that's when i should have left. i didn't. this is a family shelter and i love hanging around the . there was a 6 year old boy who was a delight to talk with and we were chatting while he ate his dinner. his mother was meeting with the program director. when she came back into the room, i complimented her on his intelligence and wit and she went off on his behavior and attitude and shamed him in front of the whole room. he closed up like a clam. i said, he's a smart and lovely young man and excused myself. as i left the room, she started to berate him about some stray scraps of food that had fallen off his plate. she yanked him by his arm and pushed him towards the kitchen door and told him to "get a towel stupid". okay.......what would you have done? here's what i did. i tromped back in. told her to wait for me in the office. i cleaned up the offending scraps of food and settled the boy back down with some dessert. i then tromped into the office and told her that perhaps his behavior issues had something to do with the way she spoke to him. she told me to go fuck myself. and she was right. first, i undid every bit of good any of the case managers had done building trust with this woman by interfering in their process. i had stepped between a parent and , not in a helpful way to have them work something out but to separate them and bring fear and isolation into the equation. and then to top it off, i'd acted like i knew what the solution was when i'd never met either of them before that moment in time. my good intentions and righteous anger were fine. but how i handled it was so off base. i can't believe i did it. still can't. oh, i can say she deserved a little pulling up...but for all i know that bore the brunt of my feeling the savior for 11 seconds as soon as i left the shelter. so how do we figure out how to be truly present and handle the moment when the moment is upon us? I've taken so many crisis management courses i can walk and talk a serial killer out a door without a flinch. but really, how do you stay present? how do you know that what you are doing is what you should be doing and what will be the best for all concerned? i love program development. i love doing trainings and facilitations. but i need more time back in the field. i need to know what it is that happens when you're right there where it matters. and how the words sound to someone when they're upset, or hurt or crazy mad. just thinking about how to make me better i guess and it's sunday and sundays always make me a little contemplative. and hey, since the rapture didn't take me, i guess i have to go to work tomorrow after all, so....best be prepared. You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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I got nothing except a huge hug for you. Oh and peace and clarity and joy!  Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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How can you know everything about everyone, WickedE, even in the small world of your shelter? And how can you not be yourself when you respond, from the gut, to a situation you just know is going badly? Now sure, you can take more training, and spend more time reading case files, and blah blah blah ... but in the end, you are YOU, and that you is fairly well developed at this point, I'd venture. What do you learn from this excursion? How do you use that learning to further refine the well developped YOU? And how do you go forward with the kid, and the Mom, and the case manager and your boss? You've got lots of constituents to look out for, and you've got your own sense of right & wrong too. I doubt you'd have slept well if you'd simply walked away without a backward glance. You do the best you can, and keep on trying. chas
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we-we... "she told me to go fuck myself. and she was right." It's a good God Damned thing she didn't tell me that! If I went through life worrying about my every reaction (in advance) to what I perceive are injustices, I'd probably end up in the nuthouse. Of course, I could, just as easily, end up on death-row. There are certain times when it is prudent to withhold your temper... and, as well, other times where it should be loosed. I think you did exactly what needed to be done--even though it may or may not turn out as you'd initially hoped. But--how do you know you undid the efforts of the case workers? How do you know those case workers are even beginning to make any difference--with her? If you feel you slighted the case workers, just tell them so. Apologize and be done with it. Don't guarantee them it won't happen again. Just guarantee them you'll always make the best call you can--give the circumstances at hand. Ya can't have ALL the answers. All you can have is the information at hand and your ability to make a moral judgment based on your experiences and your gut--(and what God expects--yeah, I know; they'll hate me for that remark... like I freakin' care.)  Which is exactly what you did. Maybe your were right--maybe you were wrong. But you did what you felt needed to be done. There ain't anything wrong with pondering the facts, in retrospect--just don't let your ponderin' get in the way of your ability to respond to something--at hand. Here's a question for ya: If she had walked over and grabbed a... something--anything--and started in beatin' that kid senseless... would you have stopped her? If yes; why? If no; why not? Get my point? Cause and effect are immutable laws of reality. No matter what you do or "don't do", there will always be consequences. Some will work out--some won't. But if you sit and ponder every single factor in every single case--nothing will ever get done; or even not done. And just exactly what will transpire from that, in either case? Not a freakin' thing! Nothing. And what will be the consequence of that? Sunday is drawing to a close, so--end of sermon.  Solar...
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we-we... I agree with Opti. However; "she told me to go fuck myself. and she was right." WTF! It's a good thing she didn't tell me that! Ya know--if I went through life worryin' about my every reaction (in advance or even in arrears) to what I perceive are injustices, I'd probably end up in the nuthouse. Of course, I could, just as easily, end up on death-row. There are certain times when it is prudent to withhold your temper... and, as well, other times where it should be loosed. I think you did exactly what needed to be done--even though it may or may not turn out as you'd initially hoped. But--how do you know you undid the efforts of the case workers? How do you know those case workers are even beginning to make any difference--with her? If you feel you slighted the case workers, just tell them so. Apologize and be done with it. Don't guarantee them it won't happen again. Just guarantee them you'll always make the best call you can--given the circumstances at hand. Ya can't have ALL the answers. All you can have is the information at hand and your ability to make a moral judgment based on your experiences and your gut--(and what God expects--yeah, I know; they'll hate me for that remark... like I freakin' care.) Which is exactly what you did. Maybe your were right--maybe you were wrong. But you did what you felt needed to be done. There ain't anything wrong with pondering the facts, in retrospect--just don't let your ponderin' get in the way of your ability to respond to something--at hand. Here's a question for ya: If she had walked over and grabbed a... something--anything--and started in beatin' that kid senseless... would you have stopped her? If yes; why? If no; why not? Get my point? Cause and effect are immutable laws of reality. No matter what you do or "don't do", there will always be consequences. Some will work out--some won't. But if you sit and ponder every single factor in every single case--nothing will ever get done; or even not done. And just exactly what will transpire from that, in either case? Not a freakin' thing! Nothing. And what will be the consequence of that? Sunday is drawing to a close, so--end of sermon. Solar...
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we, dear... I don't know why but the site is screwin' up--again. Could you remove my first comment? Duplicates--and I don't want to eat up your BLOG space. Thanks Solar...
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I think it does matter what we do, what stands we take. Three cheers for you, WE, from me for your stand in that moment. Many of us would have cheered you, and stood in honor of your attempt to protect the child from a form of emotional parental abuse! However it seems now; it clearly would have set me off in the same way it did you. In a room full of people who might not be able to respond, for whatever reason, I think she shamed you, and I think that is what made you feel remorseful. But in my heart, I know that when all the shame/and shaming is gone, people can and do make less violence on the smaller ones around us. You are a loving creature, and love was banished in that outburst of hers. You have a really hard job and I send you as much love and support as I can, from such a distance. You are my hero! You should only read what is truly good or what is frankly bad. Gertrude Stein
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No matter where it takes place, what the woman did constitutes verbal and emotional abuse. Twice, you modeled giving a child appropriate praise and yet she chose to act in an abusive manner. The way she spoke to you in the office clearly shows that she not only abuses her own child but becomes verbally abusive with adults too especially when confronted with her own behavior. Never ignore those who care for you you will have lost diamonds while you were collecting stones
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zazou said it far more eloquently than I could have. I's an opportunity to show her that we're all human, and perhaps could actually serve as an additional way to bridge some trust by telling her that you would handle it differently upon further reflection. It also sounds like the woman was trying to put on a "show" of how well she kept the reins on her son, that she wasn't the sort of mother who let her children get away with anything, and that perhaps was why she was taken aback when her "show" of being a no-nonsense parent backfired. Remember that her son is a bright and intelligent boy and THAT was what impressed you. He didn't get that way without guidance. I'm not defending the mother, I hope that is clear. But perhaps there was more to her very public display of "strong/tough love" parenting, and this is an opportunity.
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poor kid!!!...she is so disfunctionate she can not see it...add stress to the bowl and mix...dang...poor boy!!!...  []   Seduce my mind and my body
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WE, don't beat yourself up. I would have done exactly what you did, albeit not quite as well. In today's society, we hear so much about "anger management" that we begin to feel that we cannot even display our "righteous indignation" when it is appropriate to do so. My opinion? You were "righteously" angry about the verbal abuse that a little kid was receiving from his own mother. And you worry about the "case managers" who I presume are trying to work out the dysfunctional relationship between mother and son? WE, it just might be that you have done more good with your "righteously indignant" intervention than the more politically correct "case managers" have been able to do in all the time they have been working this case. Anyway, I hope that woman will learn to treat her son as a mother should treat a son. And I hope you will always intervene as you did when someone in a subordinate position is being abused or treated unjustly! God bless you! P.S. I was "left behind" on Saturday evening too, so I went downtown and consumed several Tangueray gin and tonics. Guess we'll both just need to keep on bloggin'!
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Everyone else has already said what there is to be said. Don't beat yourself up - you had the best of intentions.  
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wickedeasy replies on 5/26/2011 3:08 pm: i think you're absolutely right. it was a show of sorts.... but why? Because she is a small minded person who saw a woman in authority compliment her son and she thought she would demonstrate her "stellar" parenting skills. On a less intense level, I can remember being stricter with my kids when my folks were around to "show them what a good parent I am". You're dealing with a woman who has no good role models. She's trying desperately to prove she is a good parent, but she is hopelessly confused. Keep being kind to her. I don't know why I feel this in my gut the way I do, but she needs you.
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Wicked, Puzzle seems to have distilled some wisdom (no surprise there) out of all of this; the Mom needs your help too, even if just to model what excellent parenting looks like. OK, I'm a hopeless optimist, but expecting the best sometimes works, and when it does, it is far more satisfying than expecting the worst. Happy Weekend to you Chas
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