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Collisions of Love and Loss
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Collisions of Love and Loss Yep, just like everyone else ( those of us with any consciousness anyway) sometimes we get into one of those " head on collisions of love and loss." Sunday was ugly to the max !! Long story short: When you've loved, and still love a human being, heart for heart and soul for soul, , but only as a friend , a person so lost, who desperately needs help . A person who in one breath says they love you and minutes later says they Hate you. One who says they love you, yet refuses to be your friend. A person you are trying so much to help and is so detached from real life ,in real time , a small scared withered, depressed woman. One who refuses to reason logic. When you offer to give a former lover and spouse a free habitable home , one you now live in , and tell them to give you a a couple months to build one for yourself on the property, while you live in the art studio... and they refuse because they want to lay side by side in the same bed with you again , but they have been told for months now that it is never going to happen again, you have the makings for a head /body/ mind and spirit shaking fucked up afternoon. Sleep was a reluctant visitor in the A.M hours. It is most likely a good time now to say with unequivocal conviction that our split was never due to my mistrust of her, nor any infidelity on either spouses side, ever in our relationship, until our permanent split. Another thing, never saw the woman shed one tear , ever. Coldest , most distant individual I have ever met. Before passing judgement on my view. Let me explain that I took a year of counseling and evaluation simply because I thought my self diagnosis ( IE being my own inner psychologists may have not been in my best interests so, forgoing my own mind and putting it into the hands of others, particularly by beginning to make certain that I truly wasn't suffering from P.T.S.D , even though I felt not. I wasn't and haven't. She would forget saying something to me, or something I said to her more frequently. Then she would forget in minutes. She does not want help and refuses any guidance/ counseling. Like a person falling from your fingertips down a well you cannot enter..voice fading until heard no more..there's a fucking poem huh? One last thing, any sex for 3 years was based on her feeling it was a loathsome duty , missionary style only . I was so bollixed up in my head , that after I dropped her off ( 15 actual minutes after picking her up ( 10 minutes of that arguing ) and went home to do some<b> yoga. </font></b>I was so driven by adrenaline that I did a move I hadn't done in 25 years, a one arm, flat down balance ,( with my spinal fusion no less ) , legs in air and the other hand out for balance. It was grunting, painful and useful. I tried it an hour later and could not do it..... Just like everyone else in life , I have to take the Bitter with the Sweet ...... Monday is a reset , work , fun stuff I mean , beckons. Have a suprcalafragilisticexpealidocious week.... 
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