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The tough questions
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The tough questions What is it about us that makes us avoid confrontation? I'm not talking about the confrontations that we all (hopefully) try to avoid, like beating the everliving SHIT out of the person at 7-11 who runs up to the counter right after the clerk opens it and says "I can take someone right here", even though you've been waiting patiently for ten minutes and now you're the second person in line and you really have somewhere to be and why the FUCK do they call this place a "convenience store" anyway, when it takes twenty minutes to buy a bottle of water for three bucks that costs a buck and a quarter at Kroger, and we're not even going to TALK about the gas prices, because that way lies madness and wait. What was I talking about again? Oh, yes. Confrontation. We don't like to ask the hard questions, do we? I mean, it's one thing to confront a stranger and try to give a lesson in manners-- that seems to be easy, even if it does drop you to their level and risks bodily harm-- but far harder seems to be confronting people we have emotions invested in. We're scared. We're scared to DEATH of rejection. I had a situation recently when I actually came out and asked someone, "were you disappointed when you met me?" Because I seriously thought she was. Because I'm an insecure idiot, and she's an unbelievably beautiful woman who could clearly never find someone like me attractive, right? But the point of this is that I didn't want to ask that question-- not because I shouldn't've had to, but because I was afraid of what the answer might be. I was afraid that she'd confirm my suspicions that I was, in fact, too short, too fat, too... whatever to ever have any chance with someone like her. You know what the REALLY crazy thing was? There was a part of me that actually wanted those suspicions confirmed. I'm not alone, here. A friend of mine is really into this guy. They've been off and on again for a while now, and anyone who talks to either of them knows that they're both completely nuts about each other. Yet they keep each other at arms length, to the point that she actually looked at him (well, they were on IM, so technically there was no looking involved) and asked him, "If you WERE looking for someone, would I be on that list?" I'm sure it's clear to anyone outside the situation that that question was completely unnecessary. But she felt she needed to ask, and I'm sure, if she thought about it, that there was a small part of her that actually wanted him to reject her. The answer, of course, was yes, she was not only on the list, but at the very top of it. As she should be. Why do we do this? Do we think that somehow things will be easier if we get the rejection? Do we want our hardest truths and worst fears about ourselves confirmed? And don't even get me started on the subject of the hardest question of them all. The one that's so insidious that it's not even a question, but three little words that strike fear into the hearts of all of us. Saying "I love you" for the first time... I don't know about you, but for me it's like a dam breaking. I say it once, and then I can't stop saying it. I've said it to a few people now, and I have to say... every time I've said it, dammit, I've meant it. But those first times... sometimes it slips. Once, I was sitting down, on the phone with her, and I kind of sighed, leaned my head back against the chair, and just kind of breathed... "ahhhhhhh... I love you". The reaction? Stunned silence. From both of us, actually. I sat bolt-upright in the chair, and my first thought was, "Holy shit! Did I just SAY that? Wait! Why is it so quiet now?" And after a second, there was a little nervous chuckle at the other end of the line, followed by, "I love you, too." After the paramedics revived me from my heart attack, we had a nice little laugh about it, and things progressed from there. Another time, it was really early in the relationship. We were outside on a warm summer day. We'd found a nice, shady, secluded spot for ourselves back in the woods of a local state park, and we were spending the afternoon exploring each others' bodies for the first time. It was truly an amazing day-- one of my best days, really. We were lying there on the blanket, under a sheet, and she was propped up on one arm, looking into my eyes. She could tell I wanted to say something, but that I was holding it back. Finally she just looked at me-- looked into me, really-- and said, "what is it? Just... just say it." And I replied with those three words that, yes, I'd been holding back. It was too soon! It was our first time together! I was mostly naked! There were so many reasons NOT to say it, and yet the one reason TO say it was the one I remember-- it was simply a truth that was too strong to NOT say. But I'll say this-- the look on her face when I said that? That will stick with me all the way to the grave. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe this is a meditation on having the confidence to give voice to our feelings, even when there's great risk involved. But at the same time, maybe there's a time to have the confidence to not NEED to ask the questions-- to just love without fear and enjoy the times we do have with each other, because time is fleeting and it's not as if we're going to get another chance. |
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sigh....this strikes home.  
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Oh, I hear you on the "I love you" thing. You never know if it's going to come back and bite you on the ass, and not in a good way. Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
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6/4/2007 11:51 pm |
I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!  (won't this start some tongues wagging)I as you know .. enjoy confronting things 'head on' .. My crystal Ball doesn't work to well these days!
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Sigh... Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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