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| Blogs > StickyLips007 > Tales From the Dark Side..... |
So...What AM I Looking For?
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So...What AM I Looking For? I feel like I put a lot of time into dating sites. All different kinds of dating sites where I see a lot of the same people over and over. And most of the time, I don't respond to messages or meet people. I read profiles, I read my messages and think, meh. I'm happy with my life and I don't see this person fitting into it or me into theirs. I recently lost my long term (well, for me he was long term) FWB. I fucked things up between us because I fell in love with him. And he left me, just like I knew he would. I wish I hadn't fallen deeply and passionately in love with someone who would not, could not love me back, but that's just not something you can control. I have had a lot of lovers. And this was the best sex of my life. Honestly, I'm crushed to lose him. I'm dying for his calm voice of reason that always said the right thing to make me feel better, his smooth voice washing away my fears. I close my eyes in bed alone at night and imagine his smell, his touch...try to recreate all the magic moments he had together. That mouth I just could not get enough of...to think I'll never kiss that mouth again, well....it's heartbreaking to me. I'm confused and hurt as to why he fe;t he needed to end things because of my feelings for him. I accept he didn't feel the same and I was managing just fine. I didn't want anything more from him than he freely gave to me. Mostly I just feel sad, abandoned and like a failure that I couldn't even make a casual sex kind of relationship work. I know that lately I have been trying to fuck away that pain. But the ironic thing is, it just makes it worse. It's stark reminder of what I'm missing. I close my eyes and imagine it's my FWB again kissing me or fucking me, but it doesn't feel right and I tear up. I know that basically I am on the rebound right now and if any unlucky guy did happen to catch my attention, it would be very disingenuous for me to let him think I was feeling anything for him. Between my crazy weekend, the loss of my long term FWB, my time spent on dating sites and my cumulative 2+ years on Polyamory Date, I've been thinking about why I'm on here...what I'm looking for. It's the golden question everyone always wants to know, the question that absolutely drives me nuts and the question I heavily resist answering. Maybe it's because I don't know what I want. Or worse, maybe I do know what I want but don't want to admit it. So it's time to take a hard look at what I want, because frankly I'm all over the damn place. A friend recently asked me, so do you want a relationship with someone who you have great sex with, or do you want to explore your sexuality? The answer is, I want both, and I want neither. I'll try and explain. I'm lonely. I want some companionship. And by "some", I do mean only a little bit. I actually love my single life. I don't want to be an "us". I have no desire to get married or even live with someone ever again. I don't want someone texting me while I'm at work asking me what I'm doing or when I'm coming home. I need space to breathe. I've never had . I'd be happy to have a partner with but I don't want to be a mom. I can't entertain the idea of being someone's grandma and unfortunately at my age, that's something that does come up. So...I want someone to hang out with once a week. lol Someone who shares some interests with me and has other interests too. The more pressing issue for me is sex, which is why I'm specifically on this site. Man, I hate the revolving door of lovers. I sincerely wish I could find someone who I shared amazing sex with. Someone who is loyal and caring and passionate. I want to be touched. I want to be held and cuddle. I see that as part of the erotic experience. My<b> libido </font></b>is intense...I need some steady, fantastic sex. So I guess I do know what I'm looking for....I just don't know what to call it. And that's where I'm at. I'm sure this is not the final word from me on this..... |
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Yes you are all over the place, but on the other hand you are grounded if this makes any seance lol. Maybe its me hahahahaha lol
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Keep looking you will find what your looking for when you least expect it!! he maybe a friend then might go further to fwb you never know so good luck!
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You're on this site so that you can share exactly what you just shared, with someone like me (who knows nothing about you), but can read what you just wrote and say - 'I understand!.' You're here because, at the very least you're not totally alone. There are quite a few people like you, exactly like you, right here on this site. That's a touching story. I really do understand where you're coming from. Yep.. But there's hope. There is hope for everyone! I hesitate to use that cliché, but sometimes hope is all we have. Is that enough for you? I doubt it... Good luck! ... is there another way to look at it Going Too Fucking Far NEW Blog Features RevealeD O O A Foolproof Method Posted Over on that NEW site O O
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