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Suicide by Telephone Pole.....It's long
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Suicide by Telephone Pole.....It's long It's long, but, sadly all true. If you lived during the Hippy Era or seen druggies go mental...this will make you laugh. Setting: USA, 1970, Mcallen, Texas 8 miles from the Mexican border. During the prime years of The drug Exploration Shortly after high school, sister moved in with a Hippy. He was very sociable and had a large group of fellow Hippies. Since The Beatles had released the two most earth changing albums ever....Sargent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club and even more trippyer Magical Mystery Tour, the use of drugs...first just pot, then psychedelics became a social norm among the "cool incrowd". Despite the many stern warnings of mental and chromosomal damage by the soon to be disgraced Nixon administration, there weren't many who didn't see Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Some used it improperly and too often in too great a quantity and were actually damaged. This is one of those. Now, the story begins: My soon to be brother in law is working on the biggest motor block that Dodge built at the time. He made the foolish mistake of smoking some good weed and got high BEFORE going to buy a pickup truck. IN his highness wisdom, he decided the best buys would be in the poorer side of town at the local corner gas stations. The predatory "car dealer" quickly realized a golden opportunity. And, took the white boy from the other side of town for a demo ride....after talking up the power of this monster engine, he fast shifts into second<b> gear </font></b>and gets rubber. That was when the Hippy decided it was the best ever and paid the full price without bargaining. Forest Gump style of bargaining. Two weeks later the cork in the crank case oil stopped working and the engine showed it needed a complete rebuild. The Hippy had pulled the engine and had it sitting on a four foot tall tree stump. It was fairly stable. Now, in walks his good longtime friend who had recently decided to "find the Lord". He had been a level headed member of the Hippy group and more recently had been seeking the "Meaning of Life" and with the daily use of multiple doses of LSD had gotten very frustrated that God had, despite several weeks of sincere effort, not spoken to him either by signs, dreams or word. In his frustration, he decided that if God was actually real and all knowing, God would give him a sign that he wanted this deluded Hippy to live. So, he decided if he tried to kill himself and if God was real, God would stop him and make him his "Prophet on Earth". Uh huh..wink,, wink. Soon to be brother in law is working on the massive engine block on the stump and the Prophet comes in asking if he had heard from God and did God want him to live. Bother in law says, "here smoke a joint, relax and forget about it. You just had a bad trip". Next thing he knows the Aspiring Prophet has bent down on the side other side of the massive engine block from my brother in law to be and wrapped his arms around it and is now leaning backward trying with all his might to pull it down on his chest ! This massive hunk of iron weighs over 400 pounds. My brother in law to be reacted quickly grabbed onto the engine block and is keeping it from toppling on the Prophets chest and REALLY KILLING HIM !!! I am outside the garage and upon hearing "I WILL KILL YOU" coming from the inside turn around in time to see the two of them explode out into the street. The Prophet is prancing like a ballerina, and making good time as he was rather slender...while my to be brother in law is so mad his muscles are tight and he is not covering ground any where as fast as the ballerina. Also, he was busy bellowing at the top of his lungs extensive pronunciations regarding the Prophets ancestry and current mental state. In addition to a very sincere chorus of, "You want a sign? I will give you a sign! I WILL KILL YOU." After the Prophet had covered a full city block and my Hippy to be in law had only covered half that distance, he realized the futility of further pursuit and came back to the garage. All this noise had not gone unnoticed and soon the 6 people who had been inside the house poured out to find out what the hell is going on. We all gathered around the Hippy in law and listened in total disbelief to the strangest tale I had ever heard...up to that time. While this is going on the Prophet becoming bored and curious, cautiously drifts over to the circle of conversation. When he does half the group advises him to relax and just be cool. The other half advises calling his parents and getting professional medical help. While this enthusiastic round table conversation continued for several minutes, I was watching the Prophet and noticed his attention had quietly left the conversation to focus on a telephone pole about ten feet away on the edge of the circle. To my very great and unbelieving surprise, the Prophet suddenly gets a strange sparkle in his eyes, without saying a word, bends over at the waist holding his arms straight out in front runs at the telephone pole and when about 4 feet away...jumps head first into the very solid pole. This action was followed by what I can best describe as the sound of a overly ripe cantaloupe hitting a concrete floor from the same distance as his speeding jump..... a rather lumpy thump sound. As if in slow motion, Prophet hangs in midair for a second before sliding down the now confirmed solid telephone pole into a crumpled heap. As the circle of friends processed what had so quickly happened...the now deflated Prophet uttered his revelation that God had just imparted in reward to his efforts. He says, "OW...that hurts so much"  To which all present were in complete agreement. That pretty much ended the "relax be cool" factions argument and soon his parents were called and had showed up taking him to get the electric shock therapy so obviously needed. Two months later, he was released from the institution. Upon which time he went straight to the first barber shop available and traded his 3 foot long ponytail for a flat top crew cut. Not one to give up he was still believing, but no longer expecting direct message from God, he was soon wearing white short sleeved shirts with a bow tie going from door to door asking ,"Have you talked to God today?" It is only fair to tell you all this is sadly true and while tragic, after 40+ years I still laugh so hard I have tears running down my face. As I am now..lol.... 
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2/15/2016 4:14 pm |
So, hallucinogenics + a severe blow to the head = Jehovah's Witness? Damn, a new form of math to learn! 
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