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The Death Rattle!!
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The Death Rattle!! Hello Friends, I posted this over a year ago and deleted it. I regret that. As you know I have been talking about how I am recreating my blog format. One of the sections I will be adding is personal stories about me. What I have lived through. Yes I know this site is sex related however I find it therapeutical and I will use my outlet the way I see fit. Afterall this blog represents me not just the exhibitionist. Thanks for letting me share everyone! THE DEATH RATTLE The death rattle. The most horrifying sound that echoes in my mind. I hear it in my nightmares as I relive watching my mother gasp for her last breath. Even though she was flatlined. A flood of emotions overwelmed me. The fairytale ending was crushed by reality.I stepped outside and looked within as I watched our life rewind to my very first memory. November 1, 1981. I was six. I was dressed up as Lemon Meringue as I was scavengering through my halloween candy. I noticed my mother was crying. I could not comprehend what was going on. She was also unaware of my presence. I continued to walk down the hall to see my sister.Her name is Lindsey. She was two months old. To this day I will say she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. She was laying there so peaceful and calm. I loved to watch her sleep. I remember hugging and kissing her. I adored her . That is when my Mom walked in with a police officer. I can still remember the look in her eyes. She was scared. She was terrified. She was acting hysterical. This is the first time I have seen her act this way. It was not going to be the last. My sister passed away the night before. That was my first life altering moment. I truly believe I lost more than my sister that day. I also lost my mother. Her mind was cracked. She was never the same. She had post traumatic disorder, depression. self medicated. Also so desperate for love that it did not matter if it was taking away my innocence. She was later diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Multiple Personality Disorder. Most of her personalities did not like me. I left home when I was 15 after my family secret. I am ashamed to say this but I hated her. Fast forward my life 22 years later with a lot more history in between. I am in the hospital room as she is on her death bed begging me for forgiveness. I told her I was okay. Truth be told I am not. I told her I understood. I was not telling the truth. I told her I forgave her. That was not true at the time. When I told her these words. I did not tell her for myself. I told her because that is what she needed to hear. I felt empathy. All my hatred turned into sympathy. There was something very familiar in her eyes. She was scared. She was terrified. She was broken. I can not waste my energy being angry anymore. As the puzzle fits together I realized it was not her that I despised. It was the disease. In a way she was just as innocent as I am. How could I not have compassion. Once I was able to separate the two. Forgiving her was easy. Forgiving myself is not. It is Three years later and I think about her everyday. The daydreams of the " what if" possibilities that will never exist. I am filled with guilt, remorse and sadness. I love my mother. I fucking hate the disease. My biggest fear is.. Will it take me?? |
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8/29/2017 10:06 am |
Yes Babe..it is a horrible thing having to watch a loved one die.. I did it with My Mom and younger Brother..it is all so sad... You can't expect to be Old & Wise..If You were never Young & Crazy!!!
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I am so sorry my friend I lost my little sister to SIDS when she was not even three months old. And I still remember her funeral today I was barely a little over a year old. Its so sad that this happened to you, and your mother, I can't even imagine what you went through as a child.. Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on.. 
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That is very sad for you! Butch
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How does one respond to such a life changing story?Besides feeling like I was punched in the throat and wiping tears from my eyes.I take a moment in silence,wipe more tears and think to myself how can I be so compassionate for someone I don't know or will ever meet? It's just the way I am I guess.Your story is something that makes any hardship I have ever had to endure like ripping a bandaid off. Thank you for sharing something so personal.It's not often we as humans get to see how the lord works at ensuring that your late sister's request that he take care of you for the rest of your life!  Using more than all the road!
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Visit my Blog Older but no Wiser and find out more
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What a sad story. . Of course you didn't realize that her illness was at fault and not her.. That's very understandable. Now you must move on.
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sorry for you jeanine
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thank you for sharing Jeanie, you are in my thoughts.
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While it is personally sad for you, know that others have walked along this path that you are on. You do have an advantage, in that you know it is part of your history and can take steps to check yourself out. Prayers and blessings to you.
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forgiveness takes time....love yourself....love others....it will come! “Life is available only in the present moment.” Thich Nhat Hanh Come and read my blog! Become a watcher! veryfunnycple64 
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Thanks for sharing that. I hope that whatever way you choose to deal with this works out for you.    
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My biggest fear is getting Alzheimers. It took hold of my gran, my uncle and more recently, my mother. I'm just grateful I have many fond memories unlike yourself which must have been extremely hard to take. 
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Oh Jeanie, that is such a frank, honest and moving story. You are a wonderful lady with such a beautiful smile. Love and hugs to you xxx
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That was a powerful but very sad story Jeanie. I'm so sorry you lost your sister then your mother. My mother has the same traits and a few other ones the doctor has not discussed with her. She tells me everyday she will not live by the end of the year. She keeps getting sicker and sicker by the day. I just thank god she is not lying in a hospital bed right now. I continue to pray for her everyday hoping she beats this. My prayers are with you too Jeanie. Happy Tuesday!
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Very emotional post my friend. My Aunt had Schizophrenia. That was awful to see and watch. Visits at the sate hospital...a horrible atmosphere. I wish you well through this whole experience... losing family members is hard, especially if things are not going well.. I am sorry for your losses.
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Hugs...I kind of know what you feel...I understand the comforting statements for your mom, this would be an act of a compassionate person, you...you were a victim of circumstances, your responses to that are normal...sorting the feelings I don't think we can...I avoid those feelings if I can...your history brings back mine.. Hugs.
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Hi Jeanie, My sincere empathy, and sympathy for your loss of your family. I recently lost my Aunt to Alzhiemers. I lost my wife to pills and alcohol in 2014. I wanted to die that day. I asked God. What did I do to deserve losing my best friend and my lifetime mate and partner. In 2010 I lost my father to botched surgery. Ended up getting sepsis. By the time the inadequate staff realized what happened. It was to late . I to live with the horror of my dad gasping for his last breath. Since my wife's passing I have been trying to put my life back together. It's not eazy. With that being said, God has a plan for us. We don't know what that is? A good friend of mine and Minister shared something with me. He said, God will never put you in a situation that you can't handle. I am still trying to figure that one out myself. What I do know about you for following your blog now for approximately a year now. You change people's lives literally. You are the most giving and down to earth classy and undeniably sexist lady that I am proud to be your friend. You have my personal info. I am only a click away.
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The pain of watching is the most difficult part, It sets in the deepest. My heart goes out to you. I watched my mother die from bone cancer. The pain she endured was extreme. Of course my Christian aunt blamed me for her suffering because I was not a believer. I did not witness the end, my older brother arrived and sent me home, I had seen to much already. My father passed minutes before I arrived and my wife's breathing continued to slow till it stopped, no big breaths, and watched her turn a pale grey before her heart stopped. Memories that will last till our final breath. I've told my kids that no one is allowed to watch me die.
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Thank you for sharing this again (I do remember reading this when you posted it before). That was such a brave thing to post and I think that everyone here would agree that you are an amazing woman.
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Granting your mother peace in her final hours was a beautiful and selfless act, even if it was contrary to the feelings in your heart. I have had far too many close friends lose a child and it leaves them with an emptiness and guilt that is unimaginable. I have also seen firsthand the devastating impact it has had on the siblings of the lost child. A home filled with delight is suddenly a place of inescapable sadness that they wrongly feel responsible for not being able to fix. You were a victim of circumstances that were beyond your control and even your understanding. No child can ever compensate for the loss of a sibling and yet for some reason they all feel an obligation and a guilt for not being able to mend an irreparably broken heart. It was clear your mother felt tremendous pain for letting her inconsolable grief rob you of the joyful childhood we all deserve. I hope you can find peace in the fact that even though she was never able to overcome her pain, she always knew you deserved better. You had every justification to be bitter and you rose above it and unselfishly granted your mother the eternal peace she could never find here. Hopefully, that tremendous act of love and kindness allows you to find your own peace.
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Thanks for sharing Jeanie....your true friends here understand - this is your blog and you use it how you want. glad i am a friend of yours
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My chin is always up. I have to be selective of when my boobs are out..LOL Thank you for the kind words.
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Yes Babe..it is a horrible thing having to watch a loved one die.. I did it with My Mom and younger Brother..it is all so sad...
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