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Bittersweet goodbye
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Bittersweet goodbye This is a special goodbye post for two reasons. It is a collaborative work with another blogger whose artistic work I admired so much, I asked for her help to illustrate the following entry. Sadly she appears to have finally left the A F F landscape, leaving me with a beautiful parting gift, an epilogue to her amazing illustrative skills. She will be sorely missed. Second reason is within the story itself. Please enjoy: I recently had a bittersweet experience with a woman whom I devoted most of my affection, and used as a scaffolding to learn and build most precious feelings of love, precious on account of sheer devotion. However, it was not a love based on a relationship; that was rejected long time ago. I have clung to hope for a while, and try to reject that concept, albeit she always seemed to be able to stoke that flame. I do not blame her, as my dedication was so sincere and so loyal, it is a kind of love that is rarely provided with so little in return.  And that would have been all fine, as I was proceeding to delivering great platonic love, but then she persuaded me to join her in Switzerland. I rejected the idea at first, instinctively thinking that it might not be healthy for the direction we were already taking, but she insisted for so long, I consented on the grounds that such action would in fact be a display of my platonic love for a friend who is asking for something that seems to be important.  But I was not prepared for what arrived. I stepped into a world of a very confused woman, woman who admittedly does not know what she wants out of her life, and detests herself for it. I was basically a third man in her life to whom she was devoting herself, and within a week of my arrival I wanted to leave and expressed such desire. She broke down and in her grief said that only I can truly provide sense of stability right now. I truly believed her and grieved for her, and stuck around for couple of months. But the emotional toll was tremendous, even for me, as I pride myself for my sense of strength. Perhaps experiencing all of this from a source that has received so much of my affection over the years was the basis of it. I wanted to share some of my letters I wrote with few women who were gracious to support me at the time. None of them knew my friend, as I did not want to have any of our mutual friends have negative thoughts towards my friend because of me. Some of these words truly provide the sense of what suffering I was going through at a time. These are in chronological order, and each quotations marks represent different letter: “I am probably writing to you now because writing you is like seeking strength. I have to admit that I am emotionally slaughtered and I am very weak, exhausted. Switzerland in the end has been extremely tough on me. It has surpassed my expectations, and I swing between moments of happiness and great grief. Grief probably because I am being rejected, once again, and once again for the man that has ended our relationship before. I am confused because part of me wants to love and care, and part of me feels like I do not deserve this.  Part of me is being rewarded with me being here and part of me has to suffer through it because she could not understand that her hanging out with her exes (one she also dumped recently) would hurt me or affect me so much. In the end, I am not really sure why I was brought here, and it probably doesn't matter. But I am beat up emotionally, and I hope I can pick myself up from this and be normal and healthy” “How do I proceed without betraying the sanctity of real love I feel for her but without hurting myself? My only solution I can think of is to move on, perhaps isolate myself from her, and remain faithful in care and love by praying occasionally for her happiness.  Well, I did manage to seduce her enough to fool around with me and let me eat her pussy. And I am still the only guy in the world that actually could get her orgasm, and so powerfully that she told me after that I was even better than her vibrator!!! So I will take that trophy with me, while she has to acknowledge that is another part she is letting go. Strangely, that is a consolation. But I also got kicked out of her room after few days of that. I think she couldn't handle it, but she already has her mind set up on another guy.” “So that was a sweet way to say goodbye to her body. I was [also] allowed to finger her and jerk off in front of her. She did admit she did concede this for me knowing she wants this new relationship. But also when she first got fully naked in front of me, she added with joy how long she actually has waited for this. It certainly wasn't fake.”  “I am also trying to best face the reality. I anger her a lot, and it can come out at any moment. My presence here with its emotional burden is inconvenience to her, even though I try my best. Currently she is upset with my request to wait with starting this relationship until I leave because I tell her I'm worried about my emotions. She too admits that she didn't expect us facing such difficulties (and I'm like, how could she not?) and it's just shitty. She really thought me and that guy would become best<b> buddies. </font></b>I did meet him and it was instant turn off. My instincts were not happy. And many such situations. She instead feels constantly guilty for actually having me and impacting my emotions negatively, and we have this unpleasant circle. I am in grief even more because I am upsetting the woman I chose to love the most, but who is again rejecting me, but who also have said the sweetest and most magical words to me of love while I have been here. But... It's only friends love and she has no attraction to me is what she also repeats all the time.”  “I just need to be able to get over her. I hope this pain and some humiliation I am receiving will cool my jets. But I'm also sad to say my heart was wrong. That's where I try to find smart solution, love her as friend which can always be true, and not desire to possess her as my woman. I know part of it is how hard it is to let go of that time investment. Either way, will have to move on.” “Part of me, in her anger that was displayed, I focused on the emotions that were being presented, and how much it would have taken to produce it. In the end, [her] reaction was in many ways a statement of emotional outburst, and it was there for a reason too.  She has started dating this guy even though I pleaded to simply wait till I leave. That is also disappointing, but also brought sense of relief, because she finally calmed down, and I can finally act myself, because we both agree we need to relapse to what we had in the past. But it is more complicated than that. Today she still told me in passing how she could be my lover one day in the future. But... she will try with another guy first” “It is also a profound test of love, because despite the pain and disappointment, I am still trying hard to find love and even happiness in her situation. I think in the end this is her ideal dream situation, having me around as a roommate while having a boyfriend at a same time. Well, it shall be granted to her for some days. My payback for her making my fantasies come true many times in the past too. And I come out armed with even stronger sense of love that I even knew possible. But it hurts.”  I have come out of that situation even feeling sense of pride for myself of what I am capable of. One of my achievements was that I persisted in loving her, being kind, and offering services of devotion day after day, no matter how bruised and battered I was. I was able to continue to love, because I compared it to like loving your , no matter what your will do, you love your . In the end it was a test of proof not for her, but for myself, of what I am capable of, and what I can deliver. She probably doesn’t even remember any of it by now, but I know where my abilities lie. I do struggle still though. I struggle of closing this whole saga appropriately, with kindness. I want it to gently evaporate like a smoke in the wind, so I struggle of finding the right balance of how to maintain friendship, move on myself, but not have negative impact on either her or myself. I want it to end with kindness and respect, and I hope we are achieving these goals. Time will tell I guess.  |
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