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British Dating Sites - Impressions of a foreigner 12/04/2013
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British Dating Sites - Impressions of a foreigner 12/04/2013 In the East of the Congolese tropical rain forest and the Virunga volcanic mountains lies a large swath of fertile land with snow peaked mountains and the river whose waters are the life blood of the present day claimants to the oldest civilisation in the world. In this land, life still goes on like it did in the years when Homo erectus walked the East African grasslands. The internet, cellular telephony, and social networking sites have had an infinitesimal change to the lifestyle of most people save the urbanites. In those lands which Sir. Winston Churchill called the Pearl of Africa; we still wait for the village belles by the footpath that leads to the well to ask for their hand in an affair. It is no longer a straight forward marriage as it used to be the days when Speke and Grant became the first Europeans to see the source of the River Nile. That was the life to which I was accustomed till my sojourn abruptly ended and I re-embarked on that long Odysseus journey to fulfil my promise to my parents landed me on this Island Kingdom. Indeed, the sun never sets on the British Empire was the imperialist slogan of the forefathers of this Kingdom. Unfortunately, the sun never shines on the heart of that empire. The weather is as unpredictable and the rains are unbearable. If you have lived in a tropical country, you will know that it rains in storms so intense for half an hour or two and it ceases. In the heart of the British Empire, a shower of a few hours is a blessing because it could choose to do it for 48 hours without a break. The boredom of continuous term papers, the weather, and the cuisine proved too unflattering for a young man straight from the equator. I soon discovered the dating websites as a favourite pass time. My female European housemates were scared I would lose myself in the mire that these websites are. Fortunately, growing up in a very strict patriarchal society that preached self-discipline and control, I am never in danger of forgetting my mission in this Island Kingdom. I have a job to do, a battle to fight which is part of that bigger war to which we agreed so many years ago and it will be done. The statistics are compelling. Twenty percent (1 in 5) of relationships start online. So with an upward trend, these numbers will keep rising and most likely in the next generation (25 years from now) we could be left with virtual hook-ups as the most dominant form of linking up. Beyond the statistics, there are three kinds of dating websites I can think of thus far namely, decent web pages for those looking for soul mates; moderately decent ones for those looking for a quick fix; and extreme hard-core pornography where you could easily lose your soul [for those who have any Marxist ideas, these are simply fantasies of the old school like me --- you do not believe in souls --- You may want to re-consider your thinking because Quantum Physics can now prove that there is no linearity in time --- it is a creation of our minds.]. One common characteristic in all the three forms is misrepresentation. It baffles my understanding why someone looking for a relationship would lie about the city they are resident in or their colour. Is it a form of self-doubt? If you expect the relationship to work, starting with a lie would not be such a nice way. I remember a beautiful dark haired woman supposedly from Hounslow aged 28 who changed her location to Krasnoyarsk in Siberia when I suggested a drink out. Another disturbing trend, I came across was the representation of the marital status. Some were straight forward enough to say that they were committed but sought a spark in their life without antagonising their marriages. Quite sincere but worrying nevertheless, pointing to a growing trend of young adults who cannot meet their sexual satisfaction in their marital beds. Probably, the spouses are too busy developing careers to pay attention to the needs of the partner. With the hard economic times, divorce would be a no-brainer because it would leave both of you cleaned out. So the partners live out a life of misery without marital bliss. The language of the profile lines leaves a lot to be desired. If you choose to say something about yourself, say it precisely, nicely, and in clear prose. It is the first impression the other person will get of you. Luckily there are those who still prefer a well written conversation. I was once reminded by a relatively older user who went by the screen name “Kissmyheart67” [Please do not bother searching for her because she is not on Polyamory Date, she is on another dating site I used to visit before arriving at Polyamory Date] that she preferred more formal language other than slang. These are the last few of an era. Nonetheless, there are still quite a number of them around who have mastered the internet revolution and use dating websites but fear for the deceit and hype and would not drop you a line in your private e-mail. It is not all gloom as some were very sincere to the extent of telling you from the first moment that your profile information does not meet their criteria. Never follow what the site says on compatibility, some of the best chats I had were with people whom the sites thought I had a compatibility index of less than 50%. It is hard to predict what will make an individual pick you up from the crowd. It is not to say you go knocking at the doors of extremes I referred to in my earlier blog [Preference & Prejudice – a revisit]. With the decreasing number of community centres in the boroughs and a declining entry age into the university, websites are increasingly becoming the place where many young Britons will most likely meet their future spouses. It is important for many who are starting on this long life attachment to appreciate that the web pages are treacherous and should be navigated with caution. Apart from the transaction costs [some dating websites are simply too opportunistic but out of respect for their proprietary rights, I not do names but to charge a user GBP 1.5 per message is almost obscene] which are required for you to send the messages, there is an opportunity cost of a misleading character on the other end of the virtual world. As a person interested in numbers, I actually find agencies a better use of resources for those in need of a quick fix. I will share my experiences of those in one of my next blogs – Stereotyping, Profiling & Sexuality. My simple advice as a first time user is keep your cards to the heart till that first physical meeting when you can assess your prospective partner’s body language. Physical meetings should take place in an open public place though there are no guarantees that by observing the people in a single encounter you will decipher their motives. Most important of all, use your instincts. In a modern sexually liberalised country, be aware of people who ask you to fund their travel costs to the location beforehand. If you really must fund anything, do it after a few meetings. There is an old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted. I recall one I met who said she was into modelling. We talked at length and after several online chats, we were meant to meet and have a few drinks and enjoy each other’s anatomy. It was a put off when she suggested that I send the resources to her manager to book a hotel room for us. Quite nonsensical, I am not dating your manager and I can swipe my debit card on arrival for a room. It also shows that everything we were to do had to be approved by the manager. Talk about immaturity in the late twenties. If you are willing to trust me with your body, why must you let the manager decide the hotel? I found it funny and if anyone is into show business, I am open to learning how managers play a role in your dating. Understanding one person emotionally to make them feel comfortable around me is a big job; I do not want to date two at a go only to sleep with only one of them. Like the natural dangers faced by those who wait by the village footpath for that African belle, there are many man-made dangers in the virtual world. Therefore, it is imperative that when you pick out a good partner treat them right. Because you met over the web, if she cannot find the bliss in your home, the website source is a click away. For those who are patient, a university partner would be a better choice. It is a lifelong investment with a person you have observed all your 3 years in the university. I have spent quite an amount of hard earned pounds on these sites. Was every penny spent worthwhile, I am not sure? In my scientifically trained life everything is reduced to numbers. That which cannot be reduced to numbers, I find hard to measure and manage. Nonetheless, there is always a qualitative value that even people like me deeply entrenched in our quantitative world cannot deny. I have enjoyed the anatomy of the female species in all shapes and all shades . I believe there is a lot of good in the world to allow a few bad people govern my love for fun on the World Wide Web. So for those who are out there to play tricks on others, stand warned, the happiness vehicle will not be stopped by you. After so many months, many messages exchanged with female strangers aged 19 to 70 and a bill of several pounds on over 10 dating websites of all kinds, I now can write comfortably about the virtual dating world and confirm that my current address in the virtual world for the foreseeable future is here at Polyamory Date. Please do not ask me how successful my escapades have been in this episode of my life. I have loved every moment of it, the acceptance, the rejection, the drink outs, the sleep overs, and the safe sex. I carry them in my memory. There are so many myths, perceptions, and realities out there; I have heard many of them --- God willing I will tell a story about them one day. But without a doubt, my lasting memory of those journeys was with a beautiful oriental lady. The details are stored in the deep crevices of my heart and will never be told because I believe that sharing each other’s companionship irrespective of the circumstances is not a coincidence. It is not karma, it is dharma. In my culture, those are secrets of the heart that we go with to the grave and one day in another blog I will call “Trust, Sacredness, and Trophy Review in Online Dating” I will share why we people of African descent do not tell whom we shared our bodies with. So long from Reading --- If you do not see me online tomorrow, please recall it is Friday and it is raining in Reading right now. Such weather calls for a beer in one of the pubs nearby. |
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