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| Blogs > backpocket13 > THE SINNERS CLUB |
“Doctor, Doctor”
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“Doctor, Doctor”  -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- WELCOME THE SINNERS CLUB -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- “The pump don’t work ‘cause the vandals took the handle.” ~ Robert Zimmerman ~ ..........Well Hello Again, to all of my sweet, sweet fallen angels there scattered across the four corners of blogville, and especially to all of those of you hiding in those dark corners,........ , ,.......Join our rank and file as they say. All are welcome here,......We don’t judge, and all we ask is neither do you.........So please feel free to pull a chair and relax........You’re amongst friends, so allow to jump right in with both feet this week, it’s the easiest way,........We now return our regularly scheduled episode, already in progress,......... .......It’s unseasonably for an early Friday afternoon in March. The sun is shining brightly, without a cloud in the . This is all for the best because it’s keeping my bare ass as I run through the parking lot of the medical complex in nothing but one of those gowns they give you tie in the back. I dart from row row frantically looking for my truck. Let think, the window I climbed of was in the back of the building. I parked on the far side of the building. There it is, I can see it from here, just two rows over from where I now. Turning I make a B-line and head between the parked cars straight towards it,....... (Twenty Minutes Earlier) “I have the results of your blood work Sir, they rushed it over while you were still here because the technician thought the results were well, a little distressing.” The Doctor tells as he closed the examination room door behind him. sitting on the exam table leaning slightly towards the left in nothing but one of those flimsy gowns are like those smoks you had to wear in kindergarten when you were finger painting. “First I’d like to ask you a couple questions pertaining to your lifestyle, perhaps will provide us with some insight as to your test results.” “Great Satan’s Pitchfork Doc!” I exclaimed “How bad is it?” “Now hold on a second.” The Doctor says. “Am I gonna Die?” I ask. “Fuckin Finally!” “No, at least not from any desease we can see, as far as your physical body is concerned you’re in great shape, low blood pressure, low blood , low cholesterol,........” “Then What?!?!” I bark. “Well, it’s just the results of the actual content of your blood reads like a Hunter Thompson novel.” “Really?” “ or maybe like something by William S. Burroughs, I don’t know, but amongst the many, many other controled dangerous substances and other miscellaneous chemicals are prevalent in your blood, there was a rather large of tranquilizers.” He finishes. “Why were you using tranquilizers?” “Because they were all of elephant tranquilizers.” I say. “Duh.” “Excuse ?” “What’d you squeak one?” I ask. “I don’t smell nothing.” “What?” The Doctor responds. “Ahhhh forget it Doc, my friend Jawbreaker has been staying with me till he gets back on his feet.” “I see.” “The other day Jawbreaker went and ate an ounce of shrooms.” “Oh my.” Replies The Doctor. “Yeah, they were My mushrooms Doc!” “I don’t understand.” “Apparently Not.” I tell him. “That no good rotten bastard ate all of my mushrooms!” I continue. “So I grabbed the Pakistani Beheading Clever from between my mattress and I went after the knuckle dragging lout.” “Wait, What, Why?!?!” The Doctor asks. “Oh Yeah, but the lucky fuck, he made it to the gun safe and grabbed the tranq gun, and when I came around the corner he shot me twice.” “Twice?” Asks the Doctor incredulously. “That smart bastard, he knows well enough to know just one dart alone would never be enough to do the job.” I tell him. “I still have the marks on my neck, see?” I say showing him. “He shot you in the jugular?!?!” “Wouldn’t you?” I ask. “I was powerfully upset Doc.” “Ahhhhhhhhh.” “Close your mouth Doc you’re catching flies.” I tell him. “When I finally came to, the mad bastard had shaved off all of my facial hair, that’s why my eyebrows are so thin, they’re still growing in, and if you squint your eyes you can still faintly make out the word “Cock” on my forehead.” I finish pointing to my head. “I wasn’t going to mention that.” The Doctor replies. “Is this all some sort of joke or something?” “A joke?!?!” I yell. “What the fuck is supposed to mean!?!?” “ sorry, please continue.” He tells me looking slightly stupefied. “So, When he comes home I act like it never happened, we had a cup of coffee with a little Irish in it, however unbeknownst to him I’d laced his coffee with a half sheet of Sunshine Acid.” “Sunshine Acid?” “Yeah Doc, like as in LSD, what fucking school did you graduate from?” I ask. “Anyway we sat and drank our coffee and talked a bit, and as we sat there I watched him slowly slip into a state of paranoid paralysis as he curled up into the fetal position on the couch, softly whimpering to himself or occasionally screaming like a mountain lion in heat.” “You put acid in the coffee.” Says the Doctor. “Didn’t you drink it too?” “C’mon now Doc, do I look like I just fell off of the turnip truck?” I ask him. “That’s the first rule in “The Poisoner’s Handbook” you put the poison, or in this case, the LSD in the victims cup, that’s basic shit man.” “The Poisoners Handbook?!?!” “Yeah, it’s an from the mid 1800’s.” I inform him. “I only have it because this white slaver I know named Savage Henry also sometimes deals in obscure<b> books </font></b>from the th the 19th century. If you want a first printing of Aliester Crowley’s “Diary of a Dope Fiend” Savage Henry can get it for you, he also dabbles in guns and precious metals, but ’s beside the point.” “Wait, What?” Says the Doctor somewhat flustered. “Never mind Doc, just try and keep with here will you.” “Now hold on here a moment, are you saying you know somebody who traffics in human beings?!?!” “Well, inadvertently I suppose so.” I reply. “I never claimed to condone his actions, I merely said if you were looking for some rare book on Black Masses, Bombmaking, or Palmistry then he could get it for you, Sweet Lucifer’s Halo Man aren’t you listening all?” “Okay, okay, how about you just tell me why you’re here today then?” “Finally!” I exclaim. “I thought we were going to be here all day, I you to take a look this bite on my ass to make sure it’s not going to go septic or something.” “Somebody bit you on the ass?” “Not just somebody, Atilla bit me on the ass!” “Okay, Wait just a second, who’s Atilla now?!?!” “He’s a Resis Monkey not a person.” “A Resis Monkey?” “Yeah, I left the cabinet drawer open getting the acid and mean little of a got into Jawbreaker’s speed stash. I think he might have eaten most of it because he’s been awake for a good three days now, for at least as long as Jawbreaker has been tripping out on my sofa.” “My god.” Replies the Doctor. “You ain’t shittin’ he’s been driving me crazy, finally I soaked a banana in a couple crushed up valiums and a bottle of cough syrup and tried to feed it to the mean little bastard, then when I turned around to get more valiums he latched onto my right ass cheek like a snapping turtle. I had to zap him twice with the cattle prod just to get him to let go of me!” “A Cattle Prod!” “Fuck yeah, why, do you know a better way to get a monkey on a three day tweek to let go of the death grip it’s got on your ass cheek before you inadvertently alert the neighbors with kind of bad racket?” “Ummmmmm, you’re going to have to hold on a moment while I confer with my associates about your case.” “Um, Okay Doc, sure, can I use your bathroom I’ve gotta piss like a race ?” “Well, okay it’s two doors down, just go in your robe and right back to this room when you’re done.” “You’re in charge here Doc, whatever you say!” (We Now Return You the Present) .......As I reach the truck I hear someone yell for me wait, stop even. I pop the lid on the truck box, grabbing the big army surplus first aid kit. I fumble with the latches burning precious seconds. Finally I get the lid open, spilling the contents out into the bed of the truck. I grab the sucking chest wound bandage, shake it open until the spare truck key falls out onto the pavement. As I bend over the sun begins to burn the bite mark on my ass. Damn it’s a nice day out I think as I hop into the truck, slide the key into the ignition and give it a crank, I turn around in time to see the Doctor, three nurses and two big fellows in white heading in my direction. One of the rough boys has a jacket for me in his hands, like the robe, it too ties in the back, he breaks into a run. As the big trucks engine roars to life. I slam it into reverse, smoking the tires as it jumps backwards nearly running over the big boy with the jacket. “You’re Gonna Hafta Take Me!!!! You Ambulance Chasing Fuckheads!!!!” I scream out the window as I speed away laughing maniacally. Now, too the point, can anyone refer me to a good general practitioner? This last one didn’t work out so well. Sinfully Yours backpocket -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- -|- |
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I've heard there are kink-friendly doctors - who will quietly ignore the bruises on your ass. It sounds like you need a drug-friendly MD    
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