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Blogs > Teyjj > Something Else

Poetic Metamorphosis; Continued  

Teyjj 56M
2573 posts
11/27/2012 9:17 am
Poetic Metamorphosis; Continued

The following is something I read more than a decade ago that relates to sharpening your<b> poems. </font></b>It's written by Kathy Hoeck and should be kept in mind when you finish your work.

Poetic Metamorphosis: Revising Your Work

By Kathy Hoeck

LEARNING THROUGH EXAMPLE

Perhaps the best way to illustrate the power of the revision is to show how it can work. Here is a line of poetry:

“The singing of the birds in the morning makes me want to fly with them.”

This line of poetry certainly attempts to convey a dramatic idea. However, its intended strength is weighed down by words that do not mirror the joy and inspiration the author must be feeling. So the revision begins. First, since conciseness and precise word choice are keys to good poetry, this line is probably too long. The use of the prepositional phrases “of the birds” and “in the morning” could be removed or changed to “The birds morning singing.”

Second, although alliteration is a good technique to use in your work, the repetition of the “th” sound here isn’t especially lyrically. “With them” could be removed, since it repeats the “th” sound twice in a row. It is also unnecessary since we can assume that the author wants to fly with who else? The birds.

So here is our first revision, removing unnecessary phrases and non-lyrical alliteration:

“The birds’ morning singing makes me want to fly.”

Reading this line you will notice an alliteration – the “ing” sound that is a little difficult to say. This could be changed to “The birds’ morning song,” a grouping that now has the pleasing repetition of the “o” and “n” sounds.

Now consider the phrase “makes me want to fly.” Actually, these words are the crux of the poem. They are meant to express the depth of feeling that the author derives from the song of the birds. These words, however, do not really capture such a strong emotion. Perhaps a phrase such as “moves mountains within” can better illustrate those feelings inside that so moved the author.

The imagery used here helps convey the intensity and magnitude of the author’s feeling. These words also sound pleasing, with alliteration of the “m” sound at the beginnings and the “n” sounds at the ends of the last two words.

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