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I thought there would be fanfare
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I thought there would be fanfare WARNING! This post contains frank talk about sexual abuse! Those looking for fluff are directed to look elsewhere. So as a back ground, I was an oops . The last of three and very late in my parents life. My parents are 37 years older than me. And my oldest brother was 15 years older than me. My next oldest brother was 11 years older than me and he was mentally handicapped. By the time I was three, my oldest (we'll call him "F") was already leaving for college. The next oldest "W" was always in and out of the hospital for one thing or another because not only was he mentally handicapped, but he also had a host of physical problems. Which, at least I have found, is often the case with handicapped people. Anyway, this meant that I was either tagging along to hospitals or, when I got a little older, being left behind alot. To make up for being left behind, my father started taking me on camping<b> trips </font></b>and hiking and backpacking. But after a while, his "instructions" of how to do certain things turned sexual. How to hold his penis, how to stroke him, lick him and how to not flinch when I was bent over for punishment when I did not listen to him. Anyway, I never said anything. I was told I would be beaten with in an inch of my life if I said anything about our special time together. And though I didn't like the sexual part, I did like actually getting out and doing something instead of sitting in a hospital lobby night after night for hours and hours, bored out of my mind. Of course this went on for a few years and then one day it just stopped. When I got older and found out about sex the proper way, I realized what had happened was wrong, but I was too scared that people would call me names and make fun of me. I did not have many friends (my father was a bit controlling too) and I was also a bit timid. Jump forward 35 years. My father is now the only member of my family that is still alive. My two brothers have passed on.. one from complications of pneumonia and the other from a drug overdose after he came back from serving tow tours in Afghanistan. And my mother had colon cancer and passed on a few years back. So it's now just my father. The people at his church think I am one of the worse ever. I look after him only because I have to because of his age, but I do a minimal amount. Anyway I got into it the other day with one of his church people, about why I am not around. And up until this point in my life I have hardly ever said anything to anyone about what happened to me as a . But this person just hit the wrong nerve that day and I went off. I told them that my father should be in jail for the sexual abuse that he committed when I was a . I said that he is lucky to have a who is still willing to look after him even though I had every reason not to. They tried to say something about Honoring thy father, and I went off again and said that was a load of crap and lies dreamed up by a bunch of pedophiles, who had pissed everyone off because they were such a sleaze that no one would want to take care of them. And then I basically said that they had worn out their welcome and it was time to leave. They left and at that point I turned to my father and said, "no more lies to people about how great you were to me as a , cause I can still file charges and you'll spend the rest of your life in jail where you belong". I said, "if you want me to start treating you better, then you need to apologize for being such an asshole to me as a . That would be a good place to start and then we can finally talk." I turned to walk away and he just came out and said "I'm sorry". It was the first time he had ever apologized to me for anything. I had been so angry for so long that I was caught completely off guard. I stopped dead in my tracks and turned and looked at him in almost disbelief. I had hoped that it would be one of those movie moments when the band plays and the mood changes and the fanfare goes on and everyone and everything gets better, but nothing really changed . I was still angry. But for the first time I could see he was upset and crying. then he said "I'm really sorry" again. I said "good!" and tuned and started to walk away and said, "That's a start... now we can talk..." At this point it's been a couple of days and I have not gone back over there. I don't know what to say to him yet. Any suggestions? |
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To start off, he started with the apology, so that is a good start. There's a lot of anger that you will have bottled up inside you, and it is a good thing you left it where you did. Bringing anger into the discussion will never solve anything. The thing to keep in mind, is to keep calm while talking to him about it. The best way that I can suggest for you to start, is to go someplace quiet, where you two will not be bothered, and set the ground rules for talking, each get's their say in the matter, the other doesn't interrupt, and to keep things civil. With that all stated out front, then you start with explaining how you felt about it, even the parts about how you were happy to get out. You must show him both sides of what you went through, cause what he did, had both good side effects (Getting you away from the hospital, getting outdoors, and doing stuff), and that you appreciate that he did that, and bad side effects, exposing you to stuff you had no idea about at the time. Once you get that part down, then you let him have his say about it, keep track of any questions you have for him while he talks, and when he finishes, then ask your questions. I will also tell you, that some things may make you upset, may make you angry, but keep the emotions in check, and be patient with him. If you feel that you may not be able to do that, it may be a good idea to get someone you absolutely trust with you, so that they can be there for support, and to help reel you back in, if you need to.
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I don't think I was angry at my father (things with him were just the way they were), I think it was the fact that I was still pissed that other people stuck their self righteous nose into my business and made a critical judgement with out knowing all the facts. And when I told them part of the truth, like a lot of other people around here (and I see you are near by so you know the attitudes here that I am talking about), they doubled down on their self righteousness and made more accusations which showed them for the true sinners and assholes that they were. And I am still pissed at that, but I have been back and talked to my father a few times and we are working things out. And things are civil. I have always been civil to my father. Through all he has done and we have skirted around this issue for years, I have always been civil. And I think that is because I have dealt with it for 35 years, where as these other people, are brand new and I do not like to suffer fools... thanks for the advice...
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No problem. I'm not a native to this area, so I come from a different perspective. But yes, I know the kind of attitudes that you are talking about around this area. I tend to let it go on their own dime, letting the words go in one ear, and out the other. Unless they get down right nasty with me, then they get an ear full right back from me. Most times they get shocked that I do something like that, as if they were the wounded one. At that point, I just move on, and continue on my way. Don't need to have that kind of crap around me, that's for sure. Don't let them have that kind of crap around you. They can either let things be, or get the heck out. You don't owe them anything, and if they aren't willing to recognize that, then they can just keep on steppin.
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8/29/2017 10:37 am |
if you are ever down my way, try tcat144 at the y
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