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| Blogs > Xenia0natop > Musing of a Sexual Nerd Girl |
What you don't know...
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What you don't know... I have heard many couples say that their only rule when it came to playing with other people is that they want to know what is happening before something actually happens between their partner and another person. Thus was the rule between myself and my husband. In March my husband and I went on vacation in Costa Rica. One night, just at sunset, we decided to go splashing in the waves, and that is when it all went wrong. The water was barely up to our waists when one huge wave came and neither of us could touch bottom. My husband shouted "Swim baby!" as he pushed me forward by my heels. I took one deep breath and swam for my life. I stumbled toward shore, turned to look back into the darkness of the ocean expecting him behind me, and he was nowhere. I screamed his name over, and over again over the roar of the crashing waves, but he never appeared. It was the worst night of my life, the ocean had taken the love of my life. The worst phone call in the world anyone every has to make is to tell someone their has been killed, and I had to make that call. His parents could barely understand me through me crying. What was I going to tell our sons? He was their hero. The authorities in Costa Rica searched for him for a week without finding him. I waited and prayed that by some miracle he would be found alive. The only time I left the hotel that week was to speak to the police, and the rescue workers. It was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. How could this happen to my tall, strong, larger than life husband? How did I make it and he didn't? I sat in the dark of my room, and when I wasn't keeping people up to date with the search, I was trying to block out the sound of the ocean, and crying. The last day, when the search was called off, a wonderful man with the Red Cross handed me a handful of flowers, and walked with me to the beach where my husband had disappeared to say a prayer and have at least a little bit of closure. I sarcastically told him as we walked toward the beach that as soon as I put those flowers in the ocean, Curt would be found. We stood together saying a prayer, I could barely breath, tears streaming down my face. I placed the flowers in the water, they all scattered except for two that clung together - Lionel said that was a sign of our love. 5 minutes later there was a phone call at the hotel, two surfers found him. I was a stranger in a strange land for those two weeks. I didn't speak the language and had to deal with various authorities to make arrangements with the funeral home, and then to get him home. I spent a lot of time crying. I lost the love of my life, but also the bottom had fallen out of my life. All the hopes and dreams I had with my husband were gone. I was scared to come home because of the financial mess, the literal mess my home and property were in given we were in the middle of a house build, and the couple dozen vehicles all over the place from my husband's failed auto parts business. I was simply terrified. I did finally come home, and typical for Alberta spring, it was during a huge blizzard in April. My husband's parents and aunt came to get me at the airport, and they treated me as they always had - as though I was their from birth. I felt safe for the first time in 2 weeks. The first weekend I was home, two of my friends had offered to reformat both my husband's phone and computer so I could give them to my boys. As they were going through both making sure I didn't lose anything important like pictures, or anything else, I heard my name called from my computer room. My friends both had shocked looks on their faces as they told me how sorry they were for what they had found. Dozens upon dozens of pictures, videos, and logs of my husband with other men and woman, or doing things to himself on cam for other people. I was absolutely devastated. I left the computer and phone sitting on the floor beside my desk for 4 weeks. I had seen enough that day that I couldn't handle seeing the rest of it. Both of my friends had the same reaction - why would a man, who had permission to play with others, go behind his spouse's back and do what my husband had done? This question got the better of me, that, and I wanted to give both the computer and phone away, so I cracked both of them open. What I found was shocking. The first set of logs I read had him in an online relationship with one of his fellow safety officers. Him fawning over her perfect pink pussy turned my stomach, but what bothered me more is that this woman knew about me, and didn't care. Not once in those logs did he say he had a miserable relationship with me, on the contrary, he told her that he loved me very much, and that I loved him, which made this all that much harder to understand. I threw up when I read that he wanted to book a room at the very hotel that had been our special romantic place and fuck her on every conceivable surface. I shut off the computer shortly after that when I found out that some of the logs I was reading were from when I was with him in Costa Rica. I thought I had been on a beautiful, romantic vacation, with the man I had loved, and who told me he loved me for the better part of a decade, meanwhile he was carrying on with this woman online the whole time. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. A few day later I returned to both the phone and computer. I caught him cheating on me 3 years previous to this, he apologized and had made me think he was on the straight and narrow - this couldn't be further from the truth. I read logs of him telling someone that the very woman he had cheated on me with was the hottest woman he had ever fucked, and that every time he had been down to Calgary on business he was having marathon sex sessions with her. I then read the logs of him telling her how he missed the feeling of her soft skin, and that her eyes were the most beautiful he had ever seen. They then reminisced over the various threesomes they had with several friends of mine. So not only did he lie to me I had all kinds of friends playing me for a fool too, and some of these friends even had the nerve to send me their condolences when he died! And again, this woman knew about me, he told her he loved me, he told her he was never going to leave me, knew I had no idea what was going on, and yet put as much into pursuing this relationship as he did, without one thought as to what this would do to me. I then found out about the 2 1/2 year bdsm relationship he had with yet another woman who he had claimed he hadn't talked to in all that time. I read how she was very disappointed that he had ignored her when we were at Lupercalia, and paid too much attention to me, and that he could expect severe punishment, because he had been a very bad submissive. When I had seen her face to face she was polite and all smiles to me, knowing I was oblivious to what was going on, and he acted like he hadn't spoken to her in years. Along with those logs were the various videos of him doing things to himself on cam for her while he was out of town at work. He even had a cute pink little collar she made him wear for her. I felt like a stupid idiot. After going through the over 400 pictures and videos of him with other people, both men and women, and of him doing things to himself on cam, I read the last log. Along with him carrying on with one woman while we were in Costa Rica, he was telling another woman, from this very site, that he wanted to fuck her tight little pussy so hard it was going to be a man hole when he was finished. She, as well, knew about me, acted like my friend to my face, knew I didn't know anything about what was going on, and didn't care. At this point I couldn't take it anymore, I took his computer apart, took a sledge hammer to the hard drive, and used the parts, along with others, to make a new laptop. I have had people judge me, but as you can see, my situation is not as simple as it seems - my husband had narcissistic personality disorder. He knew this, he knew he was out of control, and he was booked into therapy for when he got back. Unfortunately, he never came back, and because of that, I feel like he never found peace, and that I will never find peace either. I loved him with all my heart and soul - he was my everything. I don't know if this makes me stupid, but I would have forgiven him for everything he did. I do still have questions, because I was with a man for almost a decade who I can never be sure loved me. Did he love me? Was he capable of love? I have to question every time he said I was beautiful. I have to question every time he said he loved me. I have been destroyed in so many different ways. My self esteem is destroyed - I pick apart every last physical aspect of myself, my intelligence, and my personality, because intellectually I know I didn't cause this, but emotionally I feel like there is something I did to make him do what he did. My hopes and dreams with him were destroyed. My finances are a disaster, along with my home and property because there was a lot of money spent on doing what he did, and a lot of time spent online cultivating these relationships. It's months later, I have met someone else, and I still wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, screaming, and crying, with nightmares that have me experiencing the night he died like I'm right there. I have moments of blaming myself because I took him down to Costa Rica and got him killed - not rational I know, but I still feel that way. I wake up with the sensation of being on the ocean being pulled under. I have post traumatic stress disorder over that night, but also because of what I found out after his death. I have a very difficult time driving anywhere by myself because I have visions of him with other women - his hands on their bodies, his lips on theirs, him telling them how beautiful they were, him making them fall in love with him. I wrote this because there are those that have judged me without knowing the truth. There is nothing I could write here that can give anyone a full sense of what it is like to live my life after what has happened. I have met someone else, someone who loves me very much, and is there to hold me when I wake up crying after having yet another nightmare of that night. Incidentally, my husband's parents adore him too, and are happy for me. There are people that say I am with someone too soon, well what you don't know is that I have been alone for far longer than you could ever know. It is very isolating being with someone like my husband. It is very difficult being with someone who is larger than life - they cast a very big shadow, and I ended up standing in it for almost a decade. Some of you will judge me for writing what I have written. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but some of the rumors out there have hurt me deeper than those of you who have participated in the rumor machine could ever imagine. I hope that none of you ever have to go though even a fraction of what I have been though. If there's one thing I can say, it's be wary of the people on this site - there are those who want what they want, and they don't care who has to get hurt in the process. I have made many true, and great friends through this site, but it is also a place that attracts people who are very self centered, and even some who have deep psychological problems. I just want what everyone else wants - to be happy and loved. It will be a long road going through the healing process, and I am lucky enough to have friends and family that really care about my sons and I helping that along. I think I am on my way to finding some happiness in my life - those of you that are my friends will be happy for me, those that aren't, should stop focusing on me, and find some happiness for yourselves. |
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Hugz! 
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Wow. That is a whole lot of trauma. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, and your subsequent pain. FWIW, I would think you can take it at face value that you were loved - if a narcicistic personality is expressing that about you to another, even if it was a relationship behind your back, it seems likely to be true. Best wishes for healing.
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Huge hugs. Way to many people judge you because it is easier to judge your life then to sit down and take a long hard look at their own lives. The people that love you and adore you will always be here no matter what. Jc and I are here for you no matter what. You deserve to be happy and I know that the new guy will and has done so. Curt loved you in his own way but did love you. You no matter how many others there were was always his number one. Remember that cherish that and take what you need. Love ya always sis I will either freak the fuck out of you or leave you begging for MORE!
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I don't know you and wouldn't dare to judge you. I couldn't even imagine what you must have gone through. He is gone no matter what you do now you can't change that or the decisions he made in his life. You say that you have people who are close to you and who care for you, take comfort in that. Do the best you can to raise your boys to be honest caring men. If you have the oppourtunity to move on with your life do so. Be strong, be kind, be loving, but live.
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Wow, you have had a difficult year. Men are typically more compartmentalized than women, and based on what you wrote, I think it's probable that he did in fact have a deep love for you, even when he was misbehaving in other compartments of his life. I'm wishing you the best for healing. Check out my blog at iWorshipU4Hours.
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I am so very sorry! My heart truly aches for you... Your loss is so Great! Losing the man you love and then discovering his deception. It is completely devastating and mind boggling, I know. I was with a man for almost 12 yrs who's actions were very similar and with people I knew as well. If nothing else... please, please, please KNOW! That it wasn't you! There is not one thing more or different or better that you could have done to change his indulgence and ultimately his deception. The problem was his alone! The details of what you have found will come flooding back out of nowhere at times and each one is a stab to your heart. It's not easy to put it out of your mind, but try not to focus on that. Think of something that makes you happy. Like your boys I know that it doesn't mean much at this time, it's all so fresh... but with time you will heal and find some sense of clarity. It really does get better! If she's Amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be Amazing. If she's Worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not Worthy... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you gotta find the one's worth suffering for. Bob Marley
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who cares what people think about you. You are strong and will get thru this. Kisses
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I hope life turns around for you, and based on what I see above, you have lots of people that think a lot of you. Take care
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All the BEST for you.I know you will be ok. and happy birthday Xenia!!!! we've had some great chats which I miss but..knowing your feeling more secure now it's a blessing you found that new security with your new guy. LIfe sucks sometimes but it's why we survive...to live another day. BIG HUGS
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You're a good friend hun, and been there for me through some of those bad times. Don't know what I would have done without you. *hugs*
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2/28/2014 10:16 am |
Hi I am new to this site not sure what to expect or find,I am married &I came here because my wife & I are at a big disconnect. First of all I would like to express my sincere condolences & admire your strength you are a wonderful person.Upon reading your blog it is nice to see things from your side of the situation. I don't now what your husbands state of mind was I don't judge to be honest I came here looking for a discreet relationship because the home fires are so hit & miss. I am away 2weeks at a time when I am away I am apparently missed so much but when I get home ya not so much. I am not so great at the Blog thing so I will quit rambling & again it was nice to read from your perspective thank you & I wish you all the best.
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I am sorry that you had to endure that terrible betrayal. I hope that with time you have been able to reconcile and put those memories in the past where they belong and clearly he did as well. you shall always be my tempting red head 
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