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What I Did On St. Paddy's Day
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What I Did On St. Paddy's Day What I Did On St. Paddy's Day 7:00 A.M. Woke Up and Jumped out of bed. It was... St. Patrick's Day! The one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. 7:10 A.M. - 8:00 A.M. Took a long, hot shower, and liberally used 3 different perfumes, 2 different deodorants and LOTS of powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m., I KNEW I would be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, I would have smelled like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. 8:01 - 8:15 A.M. The bars open at 9, so I used this time to prepare. I collected the following supplies and put them in a place where I would be able to find it in MY impaired condition: (the bathroom floor, between the toilet and sink since that's where I ended up last year) 1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulfate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 recharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles Phone # to the trauma department at the Local Hospital 8:16 - 8:25 A.M. Brewed a strong pot of coffee. I Added 9oz. Jameson Irish whiskey and drank it before I left the House. Note: Irish Coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; Unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. 8:45 A.M. My Ride came, as I had arranged to be picked up to be taken to the bar by friends - I Can NEVER stress this enough, that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state, when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf. 9:00 A.M. We usually arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar, if at all possible!!! Almost every city in America has bars called 'The Blarney Stone,' 'McSomethings', or 'The Dirty Mick.' Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. 9:02 A.M. Me and My Friends Secured a barstool, and WE DIDN'T leave it!! The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and Me and My Friends do not wait in line for drinks - no matter what the consequences. I do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, but it really doesn't matter. Usually by afternoon, EVERYONE is sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and any mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We started out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, ALWAYS ask for coffee with whiskey (no Fruity/Designer Irish Coffee either) and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet. 11:00 A.M. - 2:00 P.M. It's lunchtime! We weren't hungry, but we knew it was very important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: if people drink like that and don't eat they are going to die. HINT: If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: Popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are not hard to slur. NOTE: Usually you will hear the most frightening and disgusting slurred phrases in the English language on St. Patrick's Day. 2:05 P.M. We switched from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember guys, beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring. 2:10 - 7:00 P.M. By now, the bar was definitely crowded, as people take long lunches and others were bailing out of work early to tie one on. Because me and my friends were following our traditional Itinerary correctly, the bar looked twice or three times as crowded as it really is. I started having a nice conversation with some real Irish people, since some of the people I came with had been taken away by ambulance, to have their stomachs pumped. Some conversational points: Try to remember when talking to the Irish: Football really means Soccer and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband ...AND The English are all piss-assed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and Shot! If you remember those two points, as well as at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. During this time we continued to drink Guinness, although I wanted to have another Irish Coffee as my heartbeat had become irregular. 7:00 to 9:00 P.M. As usual, our goal was to be the last people to leave the bar at closing time. This was impossible, since blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and all of US were pushing a .35 or .40 level by now. So, we had to go with the standard Irish excuse ... the only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time on St. Paddy's Day, "WITH HONOR," is to be hauled away by the police. 9:03 P.M. No one knows who threw the First punch. It didn't matter who hit who or why; as no one made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. Most of us were beaten mercilessly, since our motor controls had been gone since the late morning, but it didn't matter since we couldn't feel anything. 9:30 P.M. The police arrived to scrape us off the floor and clap us in irons. I knew a final impression was the most important, so as I was being dragged from the bar, I began screaming: "I want to take my drink with Me!!" Ergo, I WILL ALWAYS be remembered as a legend!!! 10:30 - 11:00 P.M. By now the other friends who came with us to the bar had their stomachs pumped, and were able to bail us all out. 11:15 P.M. And as I was being driven home, a tear or two started trickling from my eyes as I was thinking ... "Another great St. Patrick's Day, surrounded by great friends. It just DON'T get any better than this!" |
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9/27/2012 5:40 am |
My kind of girl! Let's party sometime 
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Being Irish, this is hysterical and very well written. Thinking you would be fun to hang out with, but for sure would drink me under the table.
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Hello you are wonderfully elegant and sexy
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The last bar fight I hopped behind the bar and left by the back door. I had somehow convinced a stevedore that two ladies whose dates were in the bathroom desperately wanted to dance with him.
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