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The art of the deal
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The art of the deal When I started my "new" job (at which I have now been working 1 human year) I asked how many vendors we had and no one knew . Which is bad . So they hired a lady to be the vendor manager and she hired her nephew Jimmy to be her helper . They were awful . Lady quit after 2 months so Jimmy because they vendor manager . He quit a few days later . So then they hired a vendor to manage our vendors . They are awful and do nothing . But we signed a contract so we're stuck with them . So they hired a new lady to be the vendor manager and do the stuff the vendor management vendor is supposed to do but is not doing but gets paid an obscene amount of money to do . Sidenote in the 12 months I've worked there this has happened at least half a dozen times , a person is incompetent and quits or is fired , they sign a contract with a managed service that costs a fortune , the managed service is 100% useless , so they hire someone to do the job again while still paying the managed service tons of money for years to come . And somehow we're not making money . It's hard to fathom . Anyway , I went to a training course this week put on my our useless vendor management vendor because I thought it was going to about what they were supposed to do to manage our vendors . But it wasn't . Instead it was about how to negotiate . And I have not yet become disgruntled enough with this job to just walk out of a meeting in disgust so I sat there and let it happen to me . I've never read the Art of the Deal but I imagine it's this same kind of bullshit . I can condense the entire hour down into a nutshell for you "Be an asshole" . The entire thing was about how to put your opponent (because thinking about your vendors as enemies to overcome is a good idea) "on their heels" and making them confused so you can bend them over a barrel and go nuts on their tender butthole . My favorite part is when the dude said you should lie and then immediately went onto the list of lies you should have ready . I don't know exactly what job it is to negotiate these things but I think whoever these people are they've replaced Radio DJs as my most hated people . Here are my suggested techniques for negotiation based on this training class . 1. Show up drunk Super drunk . Falling down drunk . This show them that you don't give a shit about their negotiation which will make them feel sad and give you the advantage . They'll really be back on their heels when you vomit right on their chest . Plan ahead and have some accomplices come in halfway through the meeting and pretend to ambush you with an intervention . Refuse to get help . This will show them that you don't back down and will make them want to give in to your demands . 2. Constantly blast farts right in their faces Filling the room with noxious gasses will really make them uncomfortable . Make sure the room is airtight and start cracking off . Eat an entire tub of egg salad before you go in there . Every thing you say should be punctuated by a thunderous ass ripper . Also blame it on them . Try to get the stench in there so awful that someone with a weak stomach would puke their<b> brains </font></b>out . Bring in a pinch-farter if you don't have especially rancid ass gas . 3. Take off your shirt First roll up your sleeves , then take the shirt off . This will confuse them . If you're in great shape it will make them feel bad about their body . If you're in horrible shape your fat belly swinging around will make them feel sad and grossed out . If you're a woman they'll be worried that you're going to call the sheriff and accuse the of ripping your shirt off - because you'll say that to them . If you have tons of backhair this will be especially effective . If you're not in good or bad shape give yourself ringworm - those lesions really freak people out . 4. Shout everything you say Shouting is the strongest form of communication besides punching Morse code into someone's stomach (save that for later) . Establish your dominance by screaming constantly . If you can't think of any words to say just start grunting like a wild boar . 5. Expose yourself at a crucial moment Whatever you got whip it out when things are really heating up . If you have a big cock they'll be intimidated . If you have a small cock you'll gain their sympathy . If you have a "normal" sized cock threaten to (banned topic) them to get them back on their heels . If you're a woman have surgery to get a cock . More than one if you can find a doctor willing to do it (I know a guy) . Get one implanted right on your chest . That really gets people back on their heels . If things are going well start sucking your own chest-cock to show them how little you think of their presence . 6. Weaponry Bring it . Tridents are very good for negotiations . Klingon bat'leths are even better . A Hispano 20 mm autoannon you ripped off a WW2 Westland Whirlwind is best . If you forgot your weapons in the trunk improvise . Take off your belt and tie it to one of your shoes to form a crude morning star . Better yet knock them down and use one of their shoes - beating someone with their own shoe really puts people back on their heels . Threaten them with a pot of hot coffee . Blast them in the face with a fire extinguisher . 7. Don't compromise on anything Whatever you want double it and then don't budge at all . Any time they try to cut back you double what you want again - and you never go back . They key to negotiating is insisting on your own way 100% and never letting them gain any ground . Force them to compromise , you do not compromise anything every . 8. Stalk them If they leave the room to go to the bathroom follow them . Send them threatening messages via text or social media . Tell their spouse you're having an affair . Pick up their from school and ride them around for a while . Don't hurt them obviously , it's just the implication . Bombard them with nude selfies . Hack their account , steal their nude selfies and put them all over the internet . If they don't have any nude selfies install a camera in their shower . Dummy up video of them getting humped by Paul Rueben . Infect their computer with malware . Slash their tires . 9. Force their head under water Bring a large tub of water and set it on the conference table . Don't say anything about it . When the time is right get them in a hammerlock and shove their face into the water . Suffocation really puts people back on their heels and makes them feel uncomfortable . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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"The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people's fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That's why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I call it truthful hyperbole. It's an innocent form of exaggeration, and a very effective form of promotion." Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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LOL. I was reading somewhere that part of the reason 45 sucks at getting along with other countries is because he only knows a business negotiation model where the objective is to screw the other party. He has no concept that there might be such a thing as a win-win.  
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