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Vote or don't So before we get down to brass tacks I need a favor from you ‒ I feel like we’ve become close enough that I can ask . Yesterday a lady friend of mine and I were watching Taking It Up the Butt 2 . Now it seemed like a pretty good movie and I liked it and all , but I never saw the original Taking It Up the Butt so I didn’t really understand what was going on all the time . The plot has some major holes that I assume would make sense if I saw the first one . So if anyone out there has seen the first Taking It Up the Butt movie and can give me a precise summary of the plot it would really help me out . I thank you in advance . And while we’re on the subject during this viewing a scene came on with two ladies and my companion commented “They’re not moving very fast are they ?” To which I responded “Well they’re women so they’re not used to having to do anything while they’re having sex .” She responded by giving me a titty twister . Now somehow I managed to get through my childhood without ever experiencing this phenomena ‒ and I have to say I’m probably a better person for it . I think that doing that should be classified as assault with intent . Luckily the police response time was swift and she was taken away before she was able to do any further damage . Hopefully now she’ll end up where she can’t hurt anyone like that anymore . Except lady prisoners and they deserve it ‒ especially the one wrongfully convicted , because man , get a clue lady . “This clan of slack jawed troglodytes has cost me the election , yet if I were to have them killed I’D be the one who’d go to jail ‒ that’s democracy for you .” C. Montgomery Burns So I’ve been around Polyamory Date for a while now and I feel like I’ve got the lay of the land . And I feel confident in saying that I have no confidence in the leadership of this place . Mostly because there is none . And that is a problem that I intend to rectify right now . I mean enough is enough (also a crappy Jennifer Lopze movie ‒ although I guess I don’t need to say crappy when I’m talking about J-Lo . Although I liked the Cell .) I am announcing my candidacy for the President of Polyamory Date (the online community not the company itself) . My first order of business is finding a running mate . Now a vice presidential candidate doesn’t do much , but they need to balance the ticket . I’m a man so I need a woman running mate . I’m ugly so I need a pretty running mate . I’m fat so I need a running mate in good shape . I’m monstrously stupid so I need a smart running mate . I have as much sex as your average eunuch so I need a running mate who gets around . I am vulnerable to kryptonite so I need a running mate who is invulnerable to kryptonite . You see what I’m saying I need someone who can level the playing field . So if you’re all those things and you want a meaningless titular position of mock authority on an online community dedicated (in theory) to hooking up , drop me a line . Now I know what you’re saying “But Deuce , what qualifies you to be President of Polyamory Date ?” First of all I’ve had just about enough of you Mr. Questiony . And secondly lets break down the word President . P = Power , I have all kinds of powers ; invisibility to women , immunity to creditors , etc R = Racist , I’m not one (unless you count bisexuals which I hate) E = Energy , eh that’s not really my strong point but you can’t have everything S = Sexy nudie sexy sex , Ah yeah baby I = Integrity , I gots integrity out the ass ‒ remember how I didn’t tell everyone about that time (or times) that you did that thing (or things) ? D = Deliverance , I never saw it and I never will E = Enough , man that movie sucked N = Nipple , I got 2 of ‘em and one of them isn’t even mutated very much T = Time , time is on my side , remember that song ? It was in Fallen . That movie kicked all known forms of ass . John Q was good too . And Man on Fire . Denzel is sweet ‒ super sweet . Anyway if that doesn’t qualify me to be president of this little and pony show what would ? And if you’re thinking “having more than one sexual partner in your life” you can go to hell . But more important is the question of what I will do for you as president . First of all ‒ NO MORE PICTURES OF DICKS IN PROFILES ! And while we’re at it no more pussy pics either . Sexual organs are not anything anyone wants to see . Use ? Yes . See ? Not necessary . No wants to see it people . If you’re a lady and you want to be naked that’s fine ‒ but no close up shots of your spread lips . Who gets turned on by that ? Just the sweaty guy who hangs out by the keg all night . Secondly as president I will add a new category to searches ‒ me . Just clicks on 40deuce and seeking women for 1-1 sex and presto-bango-mango there I am . I’ll make it that much easier to find me . And I solemnly vow that I will lead Polyamory Date to the forefront of all the online adult personal sites ‒ no matter how many male (non-gay) members have to die in bloody and pointless conflict . And if the side effect of that is more women for me that’s a sacrifice that I’m prepared to make . But most important as president of Polyamory Date I will listen to you ‒ I’ll care about you and your concerns . Your problems will be come my problems ‒ and I have yet to meet the problem that I couldn’t eat . Beat , beat , I meant beat . And I will personally have sex with every female AFFer out there . I don’t care what you look like , what your personality is like , what you did to get your promotion , I’ll totally do everything to you ‒ and call the next day (unless its long distance) . So vote for me , because its what Jesus would do if he was alive today and looking for internet hook-ups (and why wouldn’t he ?) And now we turn to the hot girl watch at work . The hot girl who adjusts her boobies every 5 minutes is really starting to get on my nerves . At first is was cool in many ways but now its just irritating . Sweet rack or no just leave those things the hell alone ! I assume she has to be a man who had a sex change because no real women would play with herself so shameless . The hot girl who adjust her pants every time she stands up was wearing a blue thong today . Awesome . Big rack was out sick and sweet ass was working in a different department . Finally , I get asked a lot of questions but the one that I get asked the most often is “Why are you so fat you stupid moron ?” Well first of all there’s no need to say stupid and moron , either one would suffice . But to answer the question ‒ its quite simple . I am a victim of deliciousness . But then again , aren’t we all in our own way ? No ? Oh , my bad . Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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