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The war on sex
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The war on sex I'd like to start it . The war on drugs , the war on poverty and the war on Christmas were all unbridled successes - I mean when's the last time you saw a poor person doing drugs on Christmas ? Ergo , I feel it's time for a war on sex . Why you ask ? Because I've decided I don't like it and I want to ruin it for everyone else . This comes from my investigation into my perceived preference amongst women for rough sex . The investigation led me to an article written by a professional wrestler , trainer , professional cosplayer , pin-up , Playboy and fetish model - who I feel is qualified to speak for all women everywhere all the time . Clearly this women's voice is the one that can be applied across all womanhood . Here's an excerpt ; However, our heads still turn when we see the guy with the loud, fast car or the motorcycle. We want tattooed, muscled and pierced. He’s ex military, in a rock band or a crazy surfer. We want that because, quite honestly, he looks like trouble. Trouble means he will probably throw us down and ram us hard from behind, while pulling our fucking hair. (Read: Not yank. Pull.) We want to be nipped at, tied up, spanked, and told what to do. We want you to hold us down and lick our pussy until we can’t take it anymore…and then we want you to do it again with your fingers teasing our ass at the same time. If you won’t, we’ll eventually find someone who will. At least once. That’s just how it is. Sidenote what exactly is a crazy surfer ? Like a dude that tries to surf on a piece of celery instead of a surfboard ? Or like a guy who surfs and has a dissociative disorder . The rest of the article is all the same kind of stuff , women all have (banned topic) fantasies , they're attracted to assholes , they make decisions all day so they want to give up control , blah , blah , blah etc. etc. ad nauseam . So I decided that I don't like sex anymore (if I ever did) and because I don't like it no one should have it . Now you might be saying "Hasn't our society had a war on sex going on for decades ?" And the answer is yes , but it's a bullshit US-Russia Cold War kind of thing (did you know that even at the height of the cold war US and the USSR were each other's biggest trade partners ? ) I want to ramp up the war on sex to a no holds barred UK-France 100 years war kind of thing where both sides end up broken beyond repair . Who's with me ? You know what else I'm sick of ? People talking about the "friend zone" enough already . Shut up about it . No one cares . By which I mean I don't care . And I am no one . Did you know that there's 9 justices on the Supreme Court because of the 9 Egyptian god's that presided over the inherence of the universe between Horus and Set after Osiris was killed ? I didn't . I find it interested how much pagan stuff has influenced our modern world . I heard someone say today "don't get your Bat-panties in a bunch"  I'm curious what the context was . They have to have been taking about Batman right ? I mean what kind of person would just add in "Bat" in that scenario besides me ? Have I already mentioned my movie idea where Adam West , Michael Keaton , Val Kilmer , George Clooney , the dude from American Psycho and Ben Affleck use their wealth and power to fund and actual Batman style vigilante ? Also they're like buddies and hang out . Some people pride themselves on knowing all the answers and when they're asked an unanswerable question , they crack . And some of those people then go on to discover the answer to that question . And then they start asking questions of their own . I wouldn't say this is a fantasy of mine , or a fetish or what have you , but it is an image that pops into my mind from time to time . I'm having sex with a lady in the style of a dog , and she's eating a pie - not like with a knife and fork off a plate but just with her face smashed into it pie eating contest style . And while we're doing it and she's eating the pie I'm berating her for it and calling her a pig . This mental image is kind of the perfect storm of my dumb psyche as it combines my hatred for my own fatness , my fears and anxiety about sex , and my low to medium grade misogyny .   So I got that going for me . Here's a listicle about doggy style 1. It's a great way to hit the G-spot. Doggy-style sex is perfect for deep penetration that will hit the G-spot, so it's great for women who like it deep and basically any guy ever. And although manuals as old as the Kama Sutra and even relatively recent guides recommend it, some studies do dispute the idea of a g-spot. Still, it's a great way to achieve deep penetration regardless. (I read another article recently that said all women hate doggy style because there's no clitoral stimulation , although I am going to conduct a study that disputes the idea of the clitoris) 2. It's part of a bigger family of "rear entry" sex positions. Doggy style isn't the only way to have sex from behind; doggy style is part of the "rear entry" group of sex positions that range from downward dog (yes, like the<b> yoga </font></b>position) and froggy to reverse cowgirl. So if you find the "standard" doggy style too uncomfortable, you've got plenty of options: use a pillow under your stomach or even brace yourself against a chair. (If you can have sex in downward I commend you) 3. It's really, really old. You think Snoop Dogg was the first person to reference the sex position in 1992? No way. Ancient Greeks and Romans have artwork and literature referencing the sex position; Roman philosopher Lucretius even recommended it for couples trying to conceive (please note that this has no actual scientific basis). (No I didn't think that because I an not complete idiot) 4. Lots of songs reference the sex position. Lots. According to Genius, there are over 1,600 songs that address the topic, at least in passing. "P.I.M.P." by 50 cent, "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang, and "Back That Thing Up" by Justin Moore (which is a country song about doggy-style sex in a barn, and it's just as good as it sounds). (I remember after I had sex for the first time I realized every song ever was about it - especially the Star Spangled Banner - think about it) 5. It's called "doggy style" but plenty of other animals mate that way ... including horses, camels, giraffes, and elephants. (Dumb) 6. ... and tons of animals don't. Whales, dolphins, and spiders forsake the position. And primates like chimpanzees don't use it exclusively. (Dumb) 7. It's not just for vaginal sex. Feel free to engage in anal sex and cunnilingus while you're back there. "Doggy style" can refer to any of those things, not just sex from behind. (Thanks , I will feel free to engage in anal sex - blame Cosmo ladies ! ) 8. If you've tried it, you're actually in the minority. According to a study by the National Survey of Family Growth, only 44 percent of men and 36 percent of women have tried it at least once. Congratulations if you're in that club. (Not sure I believe this , but I suppose there's a lot of parts of the world where maybe people aren't so freaky) 9. It's a favorite for a lot of guys. According to a Women's Health poll, men list it as their favorite sex position, trumping old standbys like missionary. (Missionary is the worst , maybe because I'm a fatso , I hate it the most which is a bummer because all women hate doggy style . It's like some kind of cruel joke) Now here are some tips on winning a pie eating contest . Eat as much as you can in the days leading up to the event. This stretches out your stomach so you'll be able to eat more, faster. On the day of the contest, don't eat anything; just drink lots of water and tea. Have a friend tie your hands behind your back and practice eating pie. Stick your face right down into the pie as soon as the contest begins. You have to get down and dirty to win! Stick out your tongue and use it to pull the pieces of the pie into your mouth. Repeat this method as you begin to clean each pie plate. Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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"all women hate doggy" - boy oh boy you're full of hyperbole today. I'd go for that pie scenario as long as it was some yummy variety like dutch apple or strawberry rhubarb. Banana cream, no way. (I just realized banana cream could be a euphemism for the substance that comes out of a penis...)   
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"So I decided that I don't like sex anymore (if I ever did) and because I don't like it no one should have it " Them's fighting words. I'll give you your 100 year war!! I'll never give it up! Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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I am one of the 44%! Sorry, but you are on your own! I will give up Sex on my Death Bed  Visit my Blog Older but no Wiser and find out more
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Yeah, why DON'T we call it elephant style? . . Or platypus style? Why are we picking on dogs?  Maybe call it "eenie-meenie" style because, you know... there's an option.  I love that pie idea. . Not THAT'S sexy! 
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I blame everything on cosmo. I used to blame my mother but she died. You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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