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Remember that time your robe fell open and the mailman saw your tits ?
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Remember that time your robe fell open and the mailman saw your tits ? Last night I saw a lady with this as her status ; "Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and trying to find the least broken and disgusting thing" I don't know if she come up with it or stole it but I love it . Because the truth is you CAN find some awesome stuff at the dump IF you're willing to wade up to your hips in garbage juice for hours . The question is is it worth it for you ? I don't love the word tits but boobs and/or breasts doesn't sound right either . We need a better word for those things . Is there a good one in another language ? Lets steal it . That's what English does best . God knows it sucks at everything else .  On time I posted a picture of some chick in a waterfall because I was talking about Irish Spring and a lady commented that if I liked tits like that I was clearly an asshole and should kill myself . And I thought dang , that's harsh , and I wanted to say that I was just posting the pic because of the waterfall but I realized there was no endgame there . I mean what would have happened ? She replies back "Oh , I'm so sorry , please let me give you 7 grand a blowjob as a way of apologizing" no , nothing , nothing was going to happen . Isn't it weird how you want people to like you that you don't and never will know ? What's super weird is when you want people to like you who you don't even like . Stupid brain . Speaking of sex as an apology you all know that I didn't "lose" my virginity (where did it go , the lost and found ? ) until I was 25 but what you may not know is that I could have lost it when I was 19 . See this dude smashed into my 1989 VW GTI and he had no insurance so he said his wife would have sex with me as some kind of medieval sexual payola . And I was like "hell yeah !" But that's because I thought she would be into it - I was 19 , I was a moron . Somehow she wasn't cool with being pimped out by her husband for some reason . So I didn't push it . Wouldn't it be funny if they were still married .? "Hey honey , remember that time I tried to you to some , classic us !" Wouldn't it be hilarious if my first sexual experience was essentially (banned topic) by proxy ? Like most men I would like to have sex with all the women . And I sometimes think about how I could accomplish this goal . One way is that I could cut all the faces off all other men . Because why physical attraction is not the only factor involved in who gets sex its a pretty important one . And even if you truly love your husband or boyfriend or whatever I feel like after a while you'd think "I just want to have sex with a man with a face once" and that's when I slide in like Kramer sand say "Hello Laverne" . And I feel like if your faceless man really loves you he'll be okay with you banging me once or twice . Obviously this plan is riddled with holes - do I really need to cut the faces off all the gay dudes ? What about lesbians ? But you can't deny the fact that next to a guy with no face I look decent . Betsy was needling me about the non-diversity of Iowa and it made me think back to one of my temp jobs where I worked with a lot of Bosnians . We worked in a print floor type thing and every few days one of the machines would break and in the process emit a loud bang and all the Bosnian people would drop to the floor . The only other white due there thought this was the funniest thing ever and would laugh and laugh and laugh - even after I explained that they did this because they came from a place where people were dropping bombs on them . Was that dude just stupid or an asshole ? Or a stupid asshole ? When I was driving home I was stopped at a light and an ambulance with its lights on and siren and all was trying to get through the intersection and the cross traffic did not stop so it was trapped . One guy tried to stop and the dude in the car behind him immediately laid on the horn and started flipping him off so he went . On a daily basis I see things that make me think humanity should be destroyed but this is one of the most egregious I'd seen in a while . What is the thought process for not letting an ambulance through ? The light's green so I have the right of way so fuck you medical jerk ! I briefly dated a lady who was an EMT , she was pretty messed up , but I think that was unrelated . I don't know if I agree with Tiny Buddha but I read it every now and then . There's an article on there about why we get rejected and what you can do about it . It supposes that there are two reasons for being rejected . Our Behavior Turns Others Off and We Fail To Meet Others’ Expectations The first one we're not supposed to take personally because our behavior is not our identity . But isn't it ? Is there really a substantive difference between being an asshole and just acting like an asshole ? I remember when I was a these two other were going to fight but the one kept trying to get out of it by saying "I didn't say you are a pussy I said you were acting like a pussy" . I fail to see the difference . Perhaps I'm too stupid . I used to not like the word pussy either , but I've come around on it . Pussy , pussy , pussy . When I was reading this article an advert for another popped up "How to reject men safely and respectfully" . Safely . The very fact that that article exists makes me sad . Its basically "how to not get sexually assaulted for the crime of not wanted to bang a dude" right ? Here are the wrong ways per this article ; Avoidance Engagement without commitment Not being ready yet Turning those guys into friends Here are the right ways per this article ; HA ! Just kidding , instead the article just lists more thing you SHOULDN'T do ! Good luck bitches ! This turned out to be another downer blog . To liven things up here's a list of Nic Cag's last movies stolen from Conan O'Brien . Hooch & the Spankman Paging Dr Pretzel Dinosaur Dance Party Professor Nacho and the Temple of Cheese Hammerfinche's Panflute Find Those Pancakes ! Return to Chihuahua Cove Face/Off 4 : I Got the Wrong Face ! Panty Ninjas Two Eyes , Three Eyepatches Bart Party 3D Holiday Inn Express The Movie Ghost Rider 3 : Mr Bean 4 Escape from Diarrhea Island If you thought there weren't tons of ninja panties being sold on-line you were wrong . You'll shut me down with a push of your button ? 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You don't like tits, boobs or breasts - how about Bosom? Jugs? Fun Bags? Udders? Love Globes? Mammaries? Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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