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| Blogs > 40Deuce > Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93 |
Upon further review I DID mean to be so bad to you
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Upon further review I DID mean to be so bad to you It was NOT the heat of the moment The soul sheds light Death is its shadow When the light dims Life and death embrace Two stories before I get to the rock humping . Now that the snow has melted I see all the leaves I missed last fall so this morning I was picking up a few leaves and I see a damn lizard sitting on my porch . I don't know if there's any lizards native to Iowa , probably there are , but this didn't look like something that belonged here - it looked like a pet that someone got tired of and hurled outside or that scampered away somehow . I'm no herpetologist (that's someone who studies reptiles you know , and has herpes) but its still friggin cold here so I assume the thing is dying . So I pick the dumb thing up , probably giving myself some kind of lizard disease in the process and I bring it inside and feed it some apple slices , which are probably poisonous to the stupid thing . So I call up the vet to which I used to take my cat and I ask the lady who I think was hitting on me once if I can bring this lizard in so they can ID if its a natural thing I can just turn loose or an imported pet that doesn't belong in the wild . So they say sure and I drive the dang lizard to the vet , probably getting filthy lizard germs all over my car . I plop the thing down and they tell me its a god damn Argentine black and white something or other that was definitely someone's pet . So I say "great , see you later" and they're like "whoa buddy , we don't want this dang thing" and I tells them I just found the thing , I don't want to friggin' adopt it . I think it was Paul F Tompkins who had a funny bit about if you want a pet lizard "Just put some google eyes on a shoe and talk to it and you've approximated the experience of having a lizard" . So they won't take the damn thing , but thankfully ARL did . Stupid lizard . Gator meat is delicious , I wonder if other lizards are good eating . I purchased some slacks online , as is my wont , and they came in the mail the other day and the crotch is totally messed up on them . I don't know if they're supposed to be like that , but it looks like there's a friggin' codpiece sewed (sewn ?) into the damn thing . In fact its so big I think it might be a troutpeice ! Wordplay !  Alright , now the rock humping . Many , many years ago I went to a museum in Chicago and there was this big jade thing , a statue maybe you'd call it , about the size of a couch cushion that was carved to more or less look like an ass . And it had a hole in it , and the little placard said that is was an antiquated sex machine from what we now call China . At the time I thought nothing of it , but for some reason this morning (pre-lizard) that object came into my mind and I realized how horrible that would be , because any way you slice it you're humping a rock . First off the sex-hole was towards the top and at a 45 degree angle - so to use this thing you'd have to like lay on top of it and prop yourself up like you're missionary fucking a rock , which is the worst position of all for those of us with poor upper body strength . It looked very awkward , although I suppose the dudes using it back in the day had servants to hold him in place . Also , its a fucking rock ! The hole is not flexible at all so even if you had this giant jade sex butt made specifically for your dick size how good could it feel ? Its just a rigid hole , either its not going to be snug at all or its going to be way too snug 99% of the time . And did I mention its a damn rock ! Even if the hole size is good its hard , because its a rock ! How could that feel good ? I had sex with a lady who had a hard vagina once , I sometimes wonder if there was something wrong with her or if some vaginas are just hard - but it wasn't rock hard ! Plus , if you manage to get some pleasure out of humping this rock and you do ejaculate into the sex-hole then you have a crusty dirty sex-hole . How are you going to clean that out ? Sorry if I'm disrespecting Chinese culture but that thing is dumb and I hate it . I did wonder why anyone would want that when they could just jerk off and I guess at the time masturbation was consider not cool amongst the aristocracy - that was low class nonsense . Humping rocks was what all the movers and shakers did . Jade is smooth at least I guess . I was wondering what would come up if I searched for giant jade sex butt but it was just plain old porn on account of there's a porn star named Jade . Disappointing . And finally , I checked out a listicle the other day "18 things a grown man should never have" figuring I would have some of them because I'm immature . Surprisingly I didn't really , but it seemed like less of a being grown up thing and more of not being a douche thing . The list ; A black eye - This was supposed to be a thing about not getting in fights , but that has less to do with age and more to do with not being a douche to me . I don't think I've ever had a black eye . A witty e-mail signature - Never had one An empty refrigerator - I never have an empty icebox but I also don't have as the article suggests the stuff for an "on the fly three course meal" for whatever broad I'm banging . I do cook for myself though , that puts me miles ahead of most single dudes I know . PlayStation thumb - Never did much console gaming A keychain with a bottle opener - Not an issue since I don't drink , several of my friends have bottle openers , but that's because they're alcoholics - it just makes sense for them A lucky shirt - Never had one , is this even a real thing ? Feels like something they made up for sitcoms . Wacky Neighbor what was my lucky shirt ! An unstamped passport - I do have one stamp , this seems like nonsense to me though , you're not a man unless you've been out of the country ? Whatever . Olympic dreams - What ? Are they implying a lot of dudes out there think they could be in the Olympics ? I have literally never heard any guy say that . Less than 20 dollars in their wallet - Disagree 1200% , who carries cash these days ? And yes , I see this fully aware of my recent credit card fiasco . If you have a wad of cash you're either a drug dealer or a poor person . A name for this penis - Never had one , again I don't think this is really a thing Any beer that costs less than $20 a case - Again , don't drink . The point is FUCK YOU POOR PEOPLE !!! If you can't afford better beer you don't deserve to get laid . The need to quote Big Lebowski/Caddyshack/Superbad - Is Superbad a quotable movie ? Because it sucked . A futon - Never had one Code words for ugly women - Again , what ? Why would anyone ever need this ? If this is a thing its purely about doucheness not age Nerf hoop - Never had one A secret handshake - Never had one , I am getting more and more convinced this list was made by aliens who's only exposure to human culture is<b> films </font></b>and TV shows Drinking glasses with logos - I don't have any but I also don't think there's anything wrong with it A recent story with "So I said to the cop" - Never had one , although I have talked to cops from time to time . And finally , finally did you know that the backdoor is wide open for anal action ? I didn't until I got the e-mail .  Apparently the front door is unlocked and all I need to do is go downstairs . Who knew it was so easy ? Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I agree with a lot you've said here but, and I know I'm in the minority on this most likely but, I pay cash for most everything and always carry cash. My house with a 1200 sq ft garage and 25000 gal inground pool as well as my 3 cars are all paid for. I owe nothing. I have 1 credit card and the only reason I have it is for online purchases for the most part and, to keep my credit score up which is well over 800. Also have a healthy stash of rainy day cash. I think I have to disagree on that one point.
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Aw, your lizard rescue story made me melt a little (not quite as much as the picture of Justin Trudeau with two baby pandas though). Well done 40. What's ARL, some version of the Humane Society?  
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At first I thought you said you purchased some "slack" online..... and I was like "I need to find out where he ordered from so that I can have some ready the next time someone asks me to cut them some slack." But then I saw "codpiece" and everything went south from there.
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This imperial gem of both Heaven and Earth {jade} has always been empowered with magical properties, at least in the minds of the Chinese. Maybe a Chinaman needed to hump the jade stone just once and his penis would become magical. Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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P.S. I want to see a picture of your slacks with the codpiece. Robin's codpiece looks like a uterus and ovaries...not a very manly image.
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