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Breaking Out of Hell
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Breaking Out of Hell Breaking Out of Hell Sometime last night between reading and responding to all the comments on my blog, my Viking making me dinner, doting on me and him including me in making plans for the next visit with the GF that include time for me, all of us together and her and I alone I realized that I needed to change my perspective. I have so much in my life to be thankful for. Thank you all for helping me get back to my normal demeanor of choosing to be happy in spite of what life hands me. Each and every one of you that has commented, read and shown me your support by being here has helped me start that journey back to happiness. My inbox has had an unusually large number of positive and encouraging emails as well. I’m starting to have hope that there maybe people here open to adding me to their lives for the next year or so. Building my support base here may have come late but better late than never. I’ve also been reading a good book on C-PTSD: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. It has been so long since I had to deal with any serious impacts on my life from my C-PTSD that I seem to have forgotten all the ways it can affect me. In reality I don’t think I ever really did a lot of research into it but I certainly am now. In all aspects of my life the more I know the better I feel and understanding why I feel so awful is no different. I’m trying to help the Viking understand that my reactions and feelings are not just about what is happening with us but about it dragging all that past pain to the surface. All my years in therapy are helping me cope and have allowed me to get through this last 6 weeks alone dealing with all of this. The Viking is the only person (outside of therapy) I feel safe enough to let myself break down and be weak and I need to work on that. That isn’t fair to him or realistically good for me. After I wrote my last blog, I also wrote a long email to the GF getting very real and honest about how I felt things were going and she seemed to take it in the vein it was presented. She hasn’t had time to respond to it completely but she did send a reply to let me know that she appreciated me sharing all I had. All 3 of us worked together to plan the next visit in June so that it isn’t just the Viking and GF’s time alone. The Viking will go with me to see family. All 3 of us will have some time together and the GF and I will have some time together away from the Viking. Of course they will have their few days together. I think maybe it finally sunk into the Viking that I have never had to deal with him sleeping in another woman’s bed before never mind him spending numerous days there and it is really hard. It would have been hard even under the best of circumstances but these are anything but ideal. Believe me I’m still worried and upset but I can see the sun shining through the storm clouds again now. I’m also trying to stay aware that all that negativity may very well come back the next time we are apart or that he decides to go back to “my way or the highway”. I’m constantly reminding myself that this is hard for us all including him. I think most of my return to finding happiness came when sometime after the last blog I just accepted that there was only so much I could do but that no matter what happens I will truly be ok. I am a strong, beautiful, sexy, generous, loving woman that many a man would be thrilled to have. If the Viking is stupid enough to let me go or drive me away then it is his loss and his choice. Nothing I can do about that. I will be here loving him and trying to make this work but I’m not going to spend any more time curled up in a ball on a floor somewhere. I’m getting back out into the sun and being happy. Thank you pervs for helping me. Take care and love each other well. Kisses, L  Kisses, LA    |
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Hope everything works out for you. Kisses
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GOOD
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You just one hit on one of the things that I think makes for an outstanding life...the absolute knowledge that you can and will deal with whatever comes along and thrive, even if you lose something precious. To me, having this belief allows me to take huge leaps, take big risks, open my heart to new. And it seems to do the same for you...I'm glad you were able to tap into that again. And I'm also thrilled that the gf and you are building a relationship. That seems like it's going to be key to this being a good thing for all. NRE and PTSD are definitely challenges that can derail things so it's good to be looking at that. All good stuff here...and I'm totally rooting for you (all of you - but most especially you). xoxo Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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Glad you are keeping positive darling... and that big bump in the road just may be there for a reason.  Thoughts from the Garden...
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keep moving forward my pretty one!!!! Be happy!!
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4/9/2015 5:34 am |
Hugs to you wonder woman! 
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