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Poly Purgatory - Day 1 of 4 - Heaven or Hell
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Poly Purgatory - Day 1 of 4 - Heaven or Hell It was a good day of gardening today. I deliberately took the entire day off from any and everything so I could sleep as long as I wanted and plant pretty spring bulbs all day. Now comes the nasty part of cleaning the house until I leave early Sunday. I didn’t get much sleep last night but I got more than I expected. I had a really good conversation with the Viking about being sure that our shared vision of what the future was and looked like was still the same. The GF got in this morning. The Viking left her napping as he went into work. He called me on the way to make sure I was ok. I felt much better after talking to him and he’s made an effort to email and text me as well. It’s very sweet of him but right now I’m ok. That phase where you’re feeling crazy thoughts racing through your head at a million miles an hour, heart pounding, nauseous, dizzy, guts knotting and twisting, is not happening as often or as intensely. As I process, it is getting easier. Once I just accepted or remembered several really basic things I should never forget. I have no control over when, if and how anyone in my life leaves my life. I only have some influence on how the time we have is spent. That love is the motivation in this for all. That this whole situation has thrown me into a complete Complex PTSD relapse but some of the worst symptoms went away as well as some anxiety. I started dusting off the emotional toolbox and figuring out what I still knew and didn’t know. Last night and today I figured out that a large part of my fear is wrapped up in whether or not the Viking’s wants/needs/desires for the future have changed. I have no problem adding people to our plan but I can’t take half of the Viking out of our future and be ok with that. Anyone we add from my standpoint has to be willing to deal with us primarily as a couple with alone time being pretty minimal. My desire for the future remains intimately entwined with the Viking. I was afraid he had decided he wanted something very different than us intimately entwined for the rest of our lives. He says that isn’t the case. I have to accept what he says as what he means but it is awful hard given the last 6 weeks. Figuring out all these little pieces of what my jealousy and insecurities are trying to tell me is great but it doesn’t do anything to actually improve how I feel. Only hearing my Viking’s voice, feeling his arms and the time it will take to get me there will improve how I feel. Our IVF adventure continues with me having gotten the first round of bloodwork done yesterday. We are all anxiously awaiting my period to try to figure out when/what dates I’m going to have to start meds and actually be in the clinic. We pretty much decided that the Viking is just going to have to go, leave a sample whenever he can and then I’m there for the 2 weeks duration with or without him. All the stress in Feb caused me to have a double period which totally screwed the calendar tracking. The pieces for us staying here for the next year appear to be falling into place. There still a slight chance it might not work out but it seems pretty much a given. Don’t uncross your appendages just yet please..lol... As the light fades, the moon rises before the sun can set. The darkness brings a whole new challenge, no nightly fix of Viking as he is otherwise engaged. I know I’ll hear from him tomorrow since he has to work but another 2 nights after this with little or no contact Saturday. The title of course referencing the current hell I'm in with things being so unknown and still dealing with the betrayals and pushing me away. It also refers to the fact that this whole thing could bring us all heaven or hell. There just is no way to know. We're all floundering around in this together with no clue what we're doing. Housecleaning I hear is very cathartic. I’m off to test that theory. I have a migraine from hell but at least the gardening made me tired enough that I should sleep tonight after a hot shower. We have a full day of cleaning, laundry and packing tomorrow. The girl is out of school and has to get her camp bag packed plus an overnight bag. I’ve just about got her Easter<b> basket </font></b>finished. Alright times to get back to chores for a bit longer. Migraine kicked in around 6pm so I think I’m going to call it a day, take an Ambien and hope for a few good hours of sleep tonight maybe a good dream or two for a change. I left my TENS unit in my med/make-up bag in the Viking cave so I have no way to get rid of these knots. You pervs enjoy your Easter weekend. Ours is going to be the most non-Easter like Easter we’ve ever had. Lots of traveling but then we’re done traveling for a few weeks. Take care and love each other well. Kisses, L The perfect song for how I feel: "The Heart Wants What It Wants" You got me sippin' on something I can't compare to nothing I've ever known, I'm hoping That after this fever I'll survive I know I'm acting a bit crazy Strung out, a little bit hazy Hand over heart, I'm praying That I'm gonna make it out alive The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all Save your advice 'cause I won't hear You might be right but I don't care There's a million reasons why I should give you up But the heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants You got me scattered in pieces Shining like stars and screaming Lighting me up like Venus But then you disappear and make me wait And every second's like torture Heroin drip, no more so Finding a way to let go Baby, baby, no, I can't escape The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all Save your advice 'cause I won't hear You might be right but I don't care There's a million reasons why I should give you up But the heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants This is a modern fairytale No happy endings No wind in our sails But I can't imagine a life without Breathless moments Breaking me down, down, down, down The bed's getting cold and you're not here The future that we hold is so unclear But I'm not alive until you call And I'll bet the odds against it all Save your advice 'cause I won't hear You might be right but I don't care There's a million reasons why I should give you up But the heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants The heart wants what it wants, baby It wants what it wants, baby It wants what it wants It wants what it wants  Kisses, LA    |
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wish i could help you. Kisses
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GOOD
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If looking good is the best revenge...he should have scorch marks on his face!! To put anyone over you is making me question his sanity!  I wish you healing...and strength...even though you are stronger than I have ever been in my whole life...and I admire that. Smooches
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wow my sweet friend...I wish I could hold you in my arms ... naked and make sweet love to you!! You deserve a sweet release!!
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