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| Blogs > PurplePeach72 > No Ordinary Girl! |
Trust broken and Damage untold
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Trust broken and Damage untold Trust broken and damage untold For those of you who don’t know our history let me give a little background. The Viking and I met here on Polyamory Date back in Dec 2010. We were both ending our 2nd marriages and recovering. For me it was literally love at first sight. The Viking was sowing his wild oats dating about 5 women besides me. I was the only one of the women he was honest with about everything. Despite all the women he was lonely and hurting. I was his friend above all else. Our relationship developed pretty quickly after that. I was and am his emotional safe place. I have seen him at his lowest and held him through it. Neither of us expected or intended to get married but we were committed to each other long before marriage became a necessity. Our relationship was built on openness, honesty, trust, loyalty and love. We have always had an open marriage. We worked really hard to make the best possible marriage we can. I identify as a bi-sexual poly woman. Up until recently he identified as hetero mono-flexible (swinger) male. My poly seemed to be easy for him to accept and deal with. I have never truly had a poly relationship with a woman or a man while he (or any primary partner) was present. Most of our poly discussions revolved around me having a female partner at some point although relationships with other males was also ok under the boundaries we set for ourselves. Mostly we enjoyed the swinging lifestyle with me having some ties to other poly people. He thrives on the excitement of sex but claimed he did not feel at all poly. He had never been in an open relationship before and struggled with being totally honest and open with me when it came to other women. We had some rough patches where he lied to me about other women he slept with on multiple occasions. I thought we had worked the issues out and moved on. While he was away for work for a year I had several poly relationships with other men. That was very hard for him to cope with and he made serious demands and restrictions on how I dealt with the other men in my life. He always had complete and full disclosure during that time. Eventually I ended the other relationships because I felt they were more work than reward and the Viking really didn’t need the additional stress. We moved to Italy 2 years ago which basically forced us to revert to a monogamous relationship. We did have a couple of swinging experiences but not many. Although living here can be amazing it is also very isolating for me. I have felt there was an unexplained distance and issue in our relationship since we moved but he has not been willing to address it, solve it or work on it. We’ve also been trying to have a baby for the last 3 years. We’ve had 5 miscarriages all between 6-10 weeks. That also put a major damper on our sex life and feeling like we failed. We have been discussing ending our baby quest but I’m having a hard time letting it go. I just feel in my heart that I wouldn’t be getting pregnant at all if it wasn’t meant to happen at some point. None of the medical tests show anything wrong so I feel we’re free to keep trying. That brings us up to speed. I am still in shock. I don’t quite feel like my whole world is coming apart anymore but I am still very angry, hurt, worried and fearful. Valentine’s evening at dinner the Viking brought up a woman he’s been friends with for years. The reference he made about her didn’t fit what I knew of their relationship and I questioned it. He got very defensive and said “if you don’t believe me I have nothing to hide just go read my emails”. I was completely shocked by his reaction and puzzled that he seemed to think I had a problem with this woman when I didn’t at all. It has been a week now since I took the Viking’s invite to read his emails. I didn’t tell him I was going to do it. Originally I wasn’t going to read them at all but he left his email account up and open last Wed so I did. What I found blew my mind in the worst way possible. On the most minor front he fucked some random woman he met in a pub while he was away for work, twice. That pissed me off because there is no reason for him not to tell me when he fucks someone else. There was no emotional attachment, not epic dialogue going on there. Absolutely no reason not to tell me. The rug being pulled out from under me was the months and months of emails back and forth between him and the woman he claimed to just be friends with, professing their love for each other. He told me when we first moved here that she knew we were married. She didn’t. He only told her 3 weeks ago. Still despite knowing he had lied the entire time they were building this affair she decided to pursue it. Telling him that she was not going to be second to anyone no matter what. I had to find out by snooping in his computer. Yes, he told me I could but I should have heard it from him a year ago or whenever he first started having feelings beyond friendship for her. I can’t tell you how many hours we talked about being poly and how absolutely essential it was to be open and honest. How many times while we were dating that I would tell him, show him that I liked knowing he was having fun with other women. Repeatedly while we were swinging reassuring him that I truly meant what I said about liking to share him. Compersion is a real thing for me. I enjoy him getting joy and thrills even from other people. I would have loved to have been on that initial roller coaster ride of him discovering he loved this woman in addition to me. Instead he lied, hid and betrayed the very foundations of our life together. It made no sense to me other than him changing his mind about us. I literally trembled and shook from the shock of what I was reading. I could barely control the mouse because my hands were shaking so bad. I thought I was going to pass out even sucking on my inhaler. Why would he lie and hide this from me unless he planned to replace me with her? Everything she said in their emails confirmed my fears. I called and emailed him telling him he had to come home. He called to see what was wrong. All I told him was that I’d taken his advice and read his emails. He acted like I had nothing to be upset about because he hadn’t fucked her. It was all just words on paper. Of course I wasn’t supposed to be upset about the other woman he fucked either because she wasn’t an emotional attachment. So either way I wasn’t supposed to be upset about what I’d read in his emails. How long would I have stayed clueless if I hadn’t read his emails? How much more would he have done before he told me the truth or if he ever would have? To his credit he dropped everything at work and came home to talk to me although honestly looking back at it I don’t know why. Yes he said he was sorry and wanted to make amends but they were just words. He offered to end everything with her. I am supposed to have veto power. I didn’t want to do that because I know how painful it is to give up someone you love and haven’t even gotten to explore that with. In return I expected him to actually go back to being my best friend, my partner, my husband. I had to fly out the next morning going back to Fla for my mom’s wedding. He promised to be completely open with me about the affair from that point on offering me his email passwords. By the time I got to Fla that had all changed. Yeah he sent me the passwords but they didn’t work anymore and he promised the GF that he wouldn’t let me read anymore of her communications to him. He talked to her on the phone, IM’d with her and I’m sure emailed but told me I’d need to wait until Monday (when I was supposed to be flying back) to talk about it all with him. I was furious. Hell, I’m still furious. His attitude was that I could decide to trust him again or go find a divorce attorney while I was there and not come back. We finally did talk on the phone and IM but it was all a circle jerk of him basically telling me I had no choice other than to accept the affair on their (his and GF’s) terms or leave him. He did forward me one set of email communications between them but never answered any of my questions or concerns about what was said in it. He hasn’t offered anyway of even beginning to repair the damage. He doesn’t see the problem apparently. To him nothing has to change because she is only going to see him a couple of times a year and it shouldn’t affect me. He says he’s letting her dictate the terms of their relationship so that she feels like she has some control. He had to leave to go out of town for work before we got back so I decided to drive up here to where he’s staying this weekend to try to hash some of this out. I don’t know how well it will go. From what I see he feels like he has all the power in our relationship so he can dictate what kind of relationship he has with her, shove it down my throat and I have no choice but to accept it. He says he wants our relationship to be stronger from this but all I see is him choosing her over me. He isn’t acting like my friend, never mind my best friend. His behavior certainly isn’t that of someone who loves and cares about how I feel and what this is doing to me. He used to always say he was my guard dog. Somebody needs to protect me from this guard who is shredding my heart like an old worn out shoe. He claims he’s poly now but this is not how a poly relationship works. Everyone has to be on board and ok with how the new relationship affects the other partners. One person isn’t supposed to be forced to accept whatever the 2 other people decide without a say. Even in a strict primary/secondary the secondary has the option of not getting involved. He’s known this was going to shatter my trust in him for months but has he done any research into how to make this easier for me? Has he looked into how he can make sure as the hinge that he is being fair to us both? Has he done anything at other than talk to make me feel like I’m still important? No and the talking he’s doing is just making me realize even more that for whatever reason I’m no longer a priority never mind the most important person in his life. I don’t know when or how that happened but I’m devastated. He’s asking me to trust him but refuses to give me any reason to. How can I trust him when he tells me she gets to decide how this works? How do I trust him when he’s told me to go get a divorce attorney if I don’t like it? How does he expect to be a team again when I have no clue what is going on? Everything is his way or no way at all. That isn’t trust that is living under a tyrant perhaps a benevolent tyrant but a tyrant all the same. That is not anyway to live and I damn sure don’t deserve to be treated that way. I wish I had high hopes for this weekend but I think he expects to fuck me into oblivion and not have to deal with any of the hard stuff. His GF is coming over here in a couple of weeks. That was actually my suggestions because I feel like the longer they can hide behind the “we haven’t even fucked” thing the less likely he is to deal with the underlying issues. Frankly, I suspect I maybe turning around tonight and driving back home. If you believe in prayer say one for me because I need all the strength and courage I can get right now. I have never felt so alone and betrayed in my entire life. For those of you who know my history you know that’s quite a statement. I put my heart and soul in this relationship with him and feel like it’s just been used for a door mat.  Kisses, LA    |
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Sexy photo. Kisses
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GOOD
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Mega-Hugs to you.  It hurts to see guys continuallly keep on doing this (and even some women). Liars like that are bad news. You really deserve better.
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So sorry to hear things like this. I have heard them before with other people I know. This happened to a friend of mine that goes to swing partys with me. She fell in love with a guy,,and she knew he was a player. But they had so much fun at the partys that they started having feelings for each other. They went steady..for about a month, She was into him, but he found others to fool around with. She told me the song "Fooled Around in Fell in Love" was her song, when she was down and out she would blast that song over and over. I know what you are going through. Hang in there..you are soooo sexy & pretty. You will manage!!
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Sorry. But I say dump his sorry ass...he doesn't deserve you. You offered him freedom with no negative fallout and he chose to lie and lie and lie. Done.
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2/27/2015 11:12 am |
All my thoughts and hopes go with you, Peach. No matter what happens between you and your Viking, I hope that you come through it in one piece. Best of luck. -TDH
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Sad needs indeed. I really hope the best for you. This is not meant to offend any one in any way.     
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